PLL: Last Dance

THIS Tweet tonight caught my eye and I cannot stop laughing:

The #PLLMoms were concerned about their daughters for .5 seconds before they got drunk and forgot to care. That sums up the whole series.

— Catherine Powell (@CatherinePowell) August 5, 2015

While the title of this episode alone is ominous, the fact that they are attending prom is foreboding of terrible, awful, amazing things to come.

“And I don’t entirely disagree.“–So Emily’s mom agrees?  Just needed to clarify that.

Twinkly lights! That’s what Emily said she wanted! A prom with twinkly lights! Stop bitching and accept your fate, girls! This is the price of being friends with Allison.

Oh hey, Allison’s 417 year old police officer boyfriend entered the scene looking old AF as per usual.

EWWWWWW Allison’s brother just asked her to prom! INCEST!

LOL @Aria’s mom saying she’s frustrated about Charles because she “need[s] a sandwich”. She might be hangry or she might have PTSD.

Spencer’s mom is a LUSH! She has this obnoxiously coquettish smirk and says “well, I’m not drinking” as she pours herself a hefty glass of cab. LOVE IT!

Caption Contest! What is Ezra thinking while taking this picture:

My guess? “Mmmmm fresh meat….smells like”...well I will let this famous quote from House Party finish that line for me.

Or maybe “This one is going in the spank bank”.  I’m not sure which one is more Ezra, ya know?

WHOA Hannah’s make up looks WACK! She is over bronzed and eyes are over-racooned!

Allison’s dress/look is my absolute, 100% favorite! She looks like cinderella+belle combined!

Emily, you cannot wear your own crown to prom, that’s…weird.  I guess these girls aren’t properly socialized so it’s not her fault. It IS a way to make your school yearbook’s worst dressed list.

IT’S CHARLES! THEY ARE AT THE HOUSE WITH CHARLES! Then who is at prom with Allison?? Bethanny?? Is she secretly alive??  I mean, I guess that could be the twist but how did they fake HER body?? HOW MANY DENTAL RECORDS CAN CHARLES AND HIS ENDLESS RESOURCES FAKE!?

CALEB IS AN INFORMATION RISK ANALYST!!!??! HE IS GOING TO MAKE ENOUGH TO COVER HANNAH’S TUITION AND RENT IN NYC?!  Listen, my friend was a DOCTOR in NYC and I know how rent there works. Unless these kids are going to move to the projects of NJ and pretend they live in NYC “because it’s totally just, like, a 30 minute drive” then this show IS BEYOND SUSPENDED REALITY! For some reason this part of the show is making me so angry!

‘CLARK is an undercover cop‘ she gasped in feigned surprised. Moving on….

“Shouldn’t we call the police?”–Emily, Toby takes umbrage to that as he says “No I already called for backup” aka SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

“We had one job tonight, one. To keep them safe”-YES, MOMS OF WINE COUNTRY, you had ONE FREAKING JOB and you failed because you are self absorbed, terrible parents and I can only hope that DCFS takes over as you are ALL FAILURES.

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PLL: FrAmed

“Charles gave me his frosting. How does that turn into vicious?” #AwkwardIncest!?

I mean, the writers knew what that sounded like, right?! Yikes.

“You just met the guy, he sure is asking a lot of questions“-Ezra, I don’t think you know how babies are made. Clark, while quite handsome, is not secretly Charles in blackface, I cannot imagine the show going THAT far. Actually….

The actor who plays Lorenzo is TOO OLD TO KISS ALLISON! Ahhhh! His IMDB doesn’t show his DOB, and type the question in google and apparently that question is a top hit! HOW OLD IS THIS MOFO?!

TWIST!: There are TWO As!  Again….I am still not convinced that Charles is A, remember when Ezra was A?

Anyways, there are two and one has a feminine physique! A woman!

The dinner at Carlo’s before prom conversation sounds like the most authentic. teenage conversation on this show! Emily even talks about “twinkle lights” at this restaurant.

Rhys is very….50 Shades of Lame….and the actor is not listed in the credits for the episode.  Does this mean that Rhys has some bigger role and the show runners don’t want viewers too hot on the trail! He looks kind of like Jason, too!

ALSO, the character’s name-Rhys Matthews–there’s an actor named Matthew Rhys, is there a connection or has this show made me a total conspiracy theorist??

I love how he ends the meeting with a message, “I need a holding’s report!” That’s a very Christian Gray nonsense-business-babble way to speak to inform viewers that this man is very important.

AHHHH ARIA ASKED EZRA TO PROM–Wow student asking a teacher to prom….I need to find more synonyms for awkward, guys.

Clark is lying! He’s hiding something!

“I grew up in a bilingual household”-GOOD FOR YOU, LINDA TANNER! NOT EVERYONE HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY SO QUIT YOUR HUMBLE-BRAGGING!

“Your little pink fist“-Tanner, chill out! Ick!

CLARK! CLARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHADY MOFO! (imagine me screaming at the TV because that’s exactly what I did).

Lorenzo and Allison’s argument disturbs me because his face so clearly shows that he’s not 20 or even close. THIS SHOW NEEDS TO MAKE SOME CHANGES! These age gaps are not endearing or something to aspire to, they are displays of power by older men (and once a woman) with younger, vulnerable women.  Soapbox speech done.

PLL: She’s No Angel

We open with a strange girl who is filthy and in some sort of basement performing ballet that is very reminiscent of Sia’s music video for Elastic Heart. VERY similar dance. I wonder if it’s the same dancer. 

UPDATE: I was right! It is her!!!! It’s Maddie Ziegler!!

OMG Spencer’s open mouthed chewing is SO GROSS! Maybe it’s my mysophonia but that brief exaggerating chewing intended to show us how anxious Spencer is was the worst 10 seconds of TV!

“My mom just got back from Curves“–Spencer’s mom works out a gym that super popular in the late 90s?!!

Okay Sara is totally fake-talking on the phone! I don’t buy it! Her parents are probably dead!

Ew Spencer talking about/implying her horny teenaged sex with Toby is creepy.  The writers are telling us she’s on a stimulant (adderall or something), but don’t those drugs make you LOSE your appetite? Or is it the weed she bought? 

This show needs to STOP with the May/December romances. Hell, the May 1982/December 1996 romances! Lorenzo is clearly MUCH older than Ali and, I know I sound like a broken record but, ITS CREEPY! No more! Please, ABC Family! Just give us more age-appropriate love interests!

Why is Emily SO hell bent on protecting Sara over Aria?! Her obsession with helping Sara is clouding her judgement!

Why doesn’t Aria just ask to borrow the picture because she thinks she knows the person in it rather than steal ALL of Clark’s work?!!

Oh wait are those weed-cookies?? Is that why she wouldn’t share with Hannah? I’m so confused about the significance of these freaking cookies! 

Update: I looked at Twitter and those cookies are in fact weed cookies. And she left them with another recovering addict to throw away for her, thereby tempting him instead of herself! How selfish!

Is it just me or did makeup use too much brow filler on Emily:

  
EMILY DO NOT BE THE STEREOTYPE AND GET A JAPANESE TATTOO! Haven’t you ever seen the buzzfeed on exactly that?!

Sara is like an anxious little squirrel! Emily needs to let her go!

WHY IS EVERYONE ACCEPTING CHARLES AS DEAD?! They all thought Allison was dead for YEARS, then Mona and now Charles?! Y’all know he’s not dead, right?!!

The ending scene of A brushing a wig on a tennis ball is supposed to be eerie but it’s HILARIOUS:

  

PLL: Out Damned Spot

Cmon, now the titles are just gibberish!

Do the writers even try anymore?! No, I know, the answer is no. Why do I bother asking? BECAUSE, I expect growth from everyone, including, might I add, these characters who have been in high school for 5 years…

Um why is everyone taking Emily’s cookies? And not in a sexual sense, they are literally taking cookies from her! They’re going to give her an eating disorder…..which might actually be a new plot twist.

WHAT IS IN THE COOKIES?! Mike (Aria’s rarely seen brother) came to the blood drive to steal cookies?! I guess plot twists are getting few(er) and far(ther) in between.

WHO IS THIS GUY that Aria is copying off of? Did they pick him up off of Jump 21 Street?!!? HE’S A NARC! HE’S AT LEAST 34!

Update: After writing this I looked him up, he was born in 1988 so fine, I concede that he’s not in his early 30s, he’s in his late 20s….

I have never heard of someone being denied financial aid.  Even my friends whose parents were extremely wealthy received financial aid. I know Rory didn’t get financial aid but that made sense, her mom got a huge chunk of money from her inheritance, that shows lack of need.

THE OUTFIT! GUYS! ON BARN GUY! JUST, ARG, JUST LOOK:

Acid washed cut-off denim vest over a camouflage hoodie….ack!

TALIA IS MARRIED!?!?! TWIIIISTTTTT!  See, young Emily, this is what happens when you date an ADULT, they might be secretly married!  Date your own age….actually, that goes for ALL of you young ladies! And while I’m at it, COVER UP! You’re going to school, not work at a brothel!

Sorry, I needed  say that.

Of course Spencer had to fall into this new, crazy-eyed man’s arms and feel something. Let me remind you that she and Toby are STILL together, they never officially broke up! You’re not Ross and Rachael, you cannot push those boundaries and think it will be okay!

27-year old high schooler looked at Aria’s texts when ever-so-slowly handing over her phone….a move that I have actually pulled quite often (sorry friends, family, etc to whom I have done this)….seeing it acted out I realize that it’s not quite as smooth as I thought it was.  I need a new snooping-move….but back to the show.

Dr Horton from Days of Our Lives (aka Hannah’s dad) is BACK! YESSSSSS!  His aged and weathered face is a reminder of both my own age and mortality in general.

See, this is why my dad should have taught me to drive a manual car, because then I could chase my little brother who is stealing blood from the blood bank to (I assume) sell to vampires at the local Rosewood sleazy-bar! That should be a new show! The spinoff! They can call it Ravensblood (RIP RavenSwood).

WAIT, IS MIKE ACTUALLY DOING UNDER-COVER-BIKER-PORN!?  Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous that Aria will find out! And it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility with this how.

melissahastings@ptmaisls.com ?! THAT is her fake email? That sounds like an older, foreign person (I can say that, I’m foreign…actually sounds like my mom) asking about checking email–“I vant to check emails, yes? Much like?”
Ahhh I think I have to send it an email, right!?

Okay done, email sent! Maybe Melissa will answer! Update: The email bounced back, BOOOO!

Ezra: “My parents…didn’t think I’d amount to much”

Hannah: “How’d it turn out”

Ezra: (what I wish he said) “Well look at me! I was on a great career track until I knowingly lied and took advantage of my 15 year old student, got a job teaching at university only to be demoted and never being able to hold a steady job, all due to ONE mistake–boning a veritable child for funsies. LEARN from my mistakes, Hannah! Have sex with people your own age!”

Also, not to sound like a total square but carrying blood around in your pocket is very unhygienic, Mike.  You don’t know what these girls have!

“You are like the queen of not helping!“-Spencer is 1000% a FRENEMY! Shut up, Spencer, at least Hannah got into college (buuuuurrrnnnnnn!)

So now A is a millionaire, blood spatter analyst, DNA expert master manipulator. Just making sure we all understand.

Ahhh we end with a preview of Hannah’s dance routine for the pageant! Yayy! Until next week!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars: Bin of Sin

So these girls are assuming that Mona’s body is in that barrel, hmm? I mean, I know this is Pretty Little Liars and it can dark but if that’s true, that’s 1. a rip off from Breaking Bad and 2. DARK! Like, REALLY DARK!

Wait, Caleb’s alibi for Hannah is dismissed as “they’ll just think you’re lying”?  If I have learned anything from Serial it’s that one witness can do anything and everything in a murder case!  That was just the writers backtracking and hoping the viewers just believe it.

This new chick is into Ezra! She made him pecan pie! And left a note on it! I can’t decide if she’s into Ezra, Emily or if she has a really poor sense of boundaries.

“You have been a cop for all of 6 minutes and you have the nerve to investigate your superior?” YES! Finally, someone putting these kids in their place!

Aria is showing Ezra her letter! As her elder I would hope that Ezra would be mature and understand why Aria wrote that letter and that her future matters. But this is a show based on nonsense with a need for dramatic arcs so this will just be one of them!

WAIT, CALEB isn’t going to help Hannah?! He’s a former wild-child-criminal, he knows what to do!!!!

Whoaaaa, Hannah knows her criminal lingo! She even uses the term “burner phone“!

You know what I love about this show, by the way? That when I DVR it, it’s an hour but when I fast forward commercials it’s only about 35 minutes!  It’s great!

Soooo, after a one-night stand Jason wants to DATE Hannah’s mom? He’s asking why she doesn’t wear an engagement ring and questioning her relationship! Dang homie, cool it, k?  You had relations with Hannah’s mom, so has every of-age man in Rosewood! You’re NOT SPECIAL JASON!

Toby as a cop is kinda dick, yo….I don’t like it! And I didn’t know I could dislike Toby more!

I am not sure where Emily and Spencer are, underground somewhere? Under the storage place, but why? As I often do, I tuned out….But the director made a point of zooming in on Freeze Dried Almonds…ominous almonds! Oh no!

Oh wait, their voices aren’t coming from above, they are coming from the same room! A left them a free tablet! Cool! Thanks, A!

So last week Caleb was almost burned to death and this week Aria and Spencer almost freeze to death?  I think A has a thing for extreme temperatures, maybe he/she is aroused by it? Who knows with A…..I now imagine A as some middle-aged man, a millionaire from creating his own video game, sitting at a computer fapping away at his these tricks he plays on teen girls…

Ezra:  “I remember how excited I was to go to [college]…the letter…rang true for a reason”

Aria: “Yeah, because I’m a good writer.”

Ezra: ——AWKWARD SILENCE——

Yo, ARIA, YOU GOT BURNNNNNNNED!

Soooo Ezra NOW wants to break up with Aria so that she can have a “real college experience”?  It sounds to me like he wants a new, younger, more illegal model….like another freshman in high school.

I think this girl at the coffeeshop is going to hit Emily….she’s weird, stares too much without blinking, cooking for Emily, etc…

Ahhhh so the new girl is into Emily! They kind of look alike, right?

Spencer and Toby are probably going to break up, guys….She thinks her little posse of friends>his career…smh high school kids, first her then Aria? Time for PLL: The College Years!

Pretty Little Liars: Over A Barrel

Do these girls go to school?  Maybe the reason Aria didn’t get into college is because these girls are always at coffeeshops or trying to solve murder mysteries!  GO STUDY! Do something related to your academics!

Where is this coffeeshop that coffee is only FIFTY CENTS?!  Is it 1991 again!?  I want coffee shops to only charge 50 cents!

Okay, the register printing Aria’s letter? I mean, are we even going to discuss this? Or should we just file this in the “stupid things that would never happen” folder a la Days of Our Lives when Marlena was possessed by the devil.

Wait the chick that Ezra hired to cater his party is now working at Emily’s coffeeshop?!?! Or did Ezra buy the entire coffeeshop and I missed it because apparently he owns it now?

Johnny is going to live in the barn and he pays his rent in coins….cool…he also looks like a character from Buffy circa 1998 with that short sleeved plaid shirt over his long sleeved shirt.

Also, the new tenant says to Spencer “So your boyfriends a cop?” and she replied “Yeah…he wasn’t always….”

Huh? Of course he wasn’t always a cop, no one was “always” their professional career…was that worth saying? That was such an awkward way to end the scene! Spencer says that, shoves her hands into her pocket and the scene lasts another second or two, then cuts abruptly.

Pastor Ted is back and has to meet with Hannah? Ohhhh is she going to tell on her mom for sleeping with Jason DiLaurentis?!

Jason looks creepy/weird as hell with a beard….what is going on with his facial hair??!

“You’re talking about 1017 aren’t you, that smell, ugh! They ought to do something about it, it’s really unsanitary!” That is the writers’ way of weaving a random 3rd party, Mrs. Horowitz, to tell Spencer that basically there’s a dead body in that unit.

#WhatsInTheBarrel just flashed on the screen! I have seen enough Breaking Bad to know what a yellow suit and a barrel mean! DEAD BODY IN ACID IS WHAT IT MEANS!

“So she’s either pickled or dissolved?” Caleb asks…..I don’t know about you guys but I am a very visual person and maybe it’s because I am battling a stomach bug but I gagged a LOT when he said that….barf….AHHH now I can’t get the image of pickled Mona out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE BROWNIES AND PIZZA AND 30 ROCK RERUNSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hannah’s mom is kind of a hoe…no judgement but dating a pastor and cheating with your daughter’s friend? Hoe, fo sho.

So we see Aria’s contact card with Ezra’s name and number….

Who else out there called that number?  Just me? K, cool, just so you know it’s an ATT directory service number, nothing exciting haha!

Pretty Little Liars: Fresh Meat

First of all let me apologize!  I was travelling for work this week (yes, I have a real job outside of this blog) and my hotel room did not have ABC Family! Imagine my horror!  So this delay will not become a habit, I assure you!

Toby in his cop uniform, when asked where his from, says “Rosewood PD.”  No, Toby, to quote Spencer a few bitchy episodes ago, you can’t just up and be a cop!

Hannah got into a billion colleges! Yay!

Ezra is planning an opening of something, I didn’t pay close attention, but he’s stressing his high school student out by texting her about this event, and honestly, being irresponsible by distracting her while she’s at school.  I’m not, however, surprised. Her 25-year old boyfriend boned her when she was a 15-year old freshman (KNOWING she was 15 at the time) then he clearly does not care about her academics.  MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING INTO COLLEGE, ARIA! MAYBE IT’S NOT A FOR ONCE, MAYBE IT’S YOU!

Emily and Paige have “grown apart” in ONE EPISODE?!

Wait, WHAT is the name of the college that Hannah is going to visit?  BELLA? BALLARD?  BELLAR???  I think that they are intentionally garbling it so that we have a hard time understanding them, that way we cannot verify the facts.   Or I have hearing problems.

Toby found his “family knife” in the woods….Someone reading this please help me…WHAT THE FRACK IS A FAMILY KNIFE?!  Especially one with missing parts?!?!  THIS IS NOT A THING!

And this crack team of Caleb, Spencer and Toby decide to not take ANY action with the knife?

And this opening thing is for a BOOKSTORE! I seeeeee! Some guy with a beret works there…and his beret is not ironic….

Emily is going to CATER THIS EVENT!?!?!  AND EZRA ASKS ANOTHER CREEPY QUESTION: “Do you even take home-ec?”  No, EZRA, your high school student’s friends are not in that course, why? You considering teaching it so that you can rape some more kiddos?  Cool story, bro.

Ok so I may have become addicted to the podcast Serial (which I am listening to a SECOND time around) but when Hannah’s mom gets a call from Allison?  It totally reminded me of the Serial opening “This is a Global-Tel link prepaid call from Adnan Syed an inmate at a Maryland Correctional facility”  

It also reminds me of the SNL Parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjidkNvN-Ps

Why is Hannah walking around campus carrying a teddy bear??  Is she feeling lonely, separation anxiety?

I see the tour guide wearing a Ballard sweatshirt but when I google it I found a day-school: “Pupils are admitted to Ballard School, from the ages of 18 months to 16 years (Nursery to Y11).”  Annnnd it’s in the UK…. So are we assuming that Hannah is going to a nursery in England because that would be a KICK ASS spinoff show– “Posh Little Liar-Hannah Goes Brit!” etc etc, I can’t think of anything else right now.

Spencer: “You could have told me before I got carpet bombed with angry texts”  So I had to google this particular phrase and it means “a large aerial bombing done in a progressive manner to inflict damage in every part of a selected area of land.”  Call me rational, maybe one of few rational people who watches this show, but that seems excessively dramatic….

Wow Aria’s letter to the college about Ezra is hilariously accurate, she DID squander her youth with an older man and she DID make herself an outsider by doing so!  Thank GOODNESS! All it took was getting rejected from college to get her to understand!

Okay wait Spencer and Caleb think A will find a way to get the knife back to them….but I thought that they were convinced that Allison was A? So then who are they afraid of?

OMG OMG IS CALEB GONNA DIE!?! And where the heck did Spencer go off to??  Where did she just wander off to all alone?!  CALEB NEEDS HER!  Shit, if he burns alive in a kiln, this show will be seriously freaking DARK!

So this admissions dean that is Ezra’s ex thinks that Aria and Ezra broke up and Aria is worried Ezra will find out she let the woman think that?  Girl, if Ezra really cared about you then he would let you continue that lie! You can pretend that you got back together AFTER you got in!  Am I trying too hard to rationalize this nonsense?  I think yes….

I like this new caterer girl! And she appears to be rocking Nene Leakes’ “cold shoulder tunic”.

OMG HANNAH’S MOM AND ALLISON’S BROTHER MAKING OUT EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ohhh A left Aria an ominous email that she sent to the dean of admissions at Talmadge? Oh so now A can hack into university emails and uses those personal emails to blackmail HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? So A, as I have said before, is a millionaire psychopath?!  Cool.

CAN HANNAH’S MOM NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THAT TOWN?!

 

Pretty Little Liars-Through a Glass, Darkly

Is the title of this episode a reference to the 2006 Keanu Reeves’ movie A Scanner, Darkly?  Are we going to see a loss of identity, undercover cops?

The new episode starts with Mona’s funeral.  I am confused as to the leis….

OMG MONA’S MOM SLAPPED ALLI, SUPER HARD! OMG! I love it! Allison looks displeased….ruh roh guys, I smell trouble…..

Hannah is such an amazing girl. She’s doing Mona’s mom’s dishes and cleaning!  You know, Hannah is the moral compass, comedic relief and just best character on this show.

Mona’s mom hands Hannah a stuffed dog and says “Hannah…I want you to take care of this.”  Is Mona’s mom having some sort of psychotic break or is that dog stuffed with a hidden camera because she’s secretly a pervert that wants to watch Hannah change at home (seriously, with this show, anything is possible).

I’m sorry, Toby being a cop is comical!  He’s sitting here talking to Detective Liz Cruz (Nip/Tuck fans get that reference) and hypothesizing murder theories and she’s acting like he revealed some amazing information….really, as my mom would say about a young looking person “His breath still smells of breastmilk.” (meaning he’s a baby and looks like it…it sounds more legit in farsi, I swear!)

Aria was rejected from Oberlin…sad, the world just lost their next Lena Dunham!

Allison, “You don’t have to do that–run from me.”  Allison must be bonkers if she thinks the girls should trust her.  Should we go through the list of things she has done to lose trust (faking her own death, seducing a college student named Ezra, extorting adults for money, paying people off for confessions….she’s a real C U Next Tuesday, if ya get me).

Ohhh I forgot Aria’s brother was dating Mona!!!!! He has grown so much!

What is this creepy indoor mausoleum??! Is everyone in Rosewood buried there??  Why is the old lady sniffing the “grave”? WHY IS SHE SNIFFING IT?!

Old lady takes Mona’s stuffed toy and smiles “Little bunchy…that’s his name” Did I hear that right??

Spencer is begging Jason DiLaurentis for help, “I know she’s your sister, but so am I!”-Dang I keep forgetting these little tidbits like Spencer’s dad’s affair.

Wait is there a magical component of the mausoleum?!  There is a ghostly wind!! Ahhhhh! Roses are dying at once! THERE IS MAGIC ON PLL!!!!!!!!!!!  Why isn’t Hannah freaking out?!

” Aria your Sudoku prowess doesn’t exactly qualify you to help out with this kind of stuff.” Someone needs to tell Caleb how hacking works (hint, it is unrelated to Sudoku).

Why is Aria acting like Oberlin is basically the easiest school to get into?? She’s SO SURPRISED that she didn’t get in that she thinks it could be due in part to A? No, you didn’t get in because all you do is pretend to be a detective and sleep with men who are legally off limits, then you can’t pretend your lack of studying is an injustice!

“That camera was pointed right at it, it must have seen what happened!” –Emily, just because a camera “sees” something, it does not mean that it’s recording the event.  It needs to be on and recording to capture the moment, not just pointed right at it.

Mrs. Grunwald! That’s the old lady’s name! Huh, I don’t remember her having a name before this episode….

Wow, the camera captured Mona’s murder! It shows a girl with long blonde hair attacking Mona, aka Allison aka Jason LIED!

Whoa Allison isn’t even denying it! Ahhhhh she’s getting arrested!

Wait Paige is leaving because of Allison? Why did I forget that? I thought she was going to college??

PLL: Holiday Special

Is Hannah’s character clinically retarded now? She’s confusing court jesters with the word gesture?!

This is Joey-syndrome (90s kids get props for remembering this!)!

And everyone laughs like Hannah is soooooo silly! She needs attention and probably an assisted living nurse

“Wishes don’t come true, otherwise people wouldn’t die!” Hannah

“I’d rather dance on dead monkeys than go to Alli’s ball.” Aria, why would you even say that? That’s really selfish!

Mona has legal “affairs”? She’s 17!!!! What’s 17 year old had affairs!!!!! Did she have a will?!! Lies! If you were her parents wouldn’t you just open it and toss it, thinking it was just a silly game and I had a whole funeral to plan and my life was over.

Did Aria ask the Santa for a snow globe and he HAPPENED to give one with their faces in it that A planted?! NO! This is not how real life works!

Toby is in a leg cast looking through a camera on zoom! How Hitchcock of the writers! Tryin to class up the joint, I see. Although, this show is so vapid that I’m sure they’re accidentally making a Disturbia reference.

High school students dressing as sexy Santa for foreplay is just flat out gross. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer sexy santas as kittens or puppies and not sexy, just santas.

Alli’s mini-me says “This blows, let’s get out of here, losers!” What 9 year-old talks like that??

“Mean girls stay mean.” Truer words have never been spoken (unless you count that time I was eating chocolate cake and screamed “CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST CREATION ON THE PLANET!“)

“I think my mom is still watching out for me.” Allison are you on CRACK?! That bitch hated you!

Why did Hannah have to run the Jack-in-the-box….alone….in the dark? Does she WANT to die of a heart attack?!!

Wait isn’t Toby a rookie cop?! Doesn’t he have a gun?! WHY DOESNT HE GUN DOWN THE KILLED ?! Stop using the flash on your SLR AND GUN THAT MAN DOWN!!

This episode ends with the most DISTURBING image in my a “family” show EVER! A teacher and his students (Toby being a past student) posing nearly nude for their lovers ALL TOGETHER?!! EWWWWW

PLL: Scream for Me

YES, I am aware this is a week late, sorry!

Haha A circled all the notes on the sheet music in the key of A.  Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the girls couldn’t read sheet music (I mean, have we seen them go to All State? #ChorusNerdsUnite!) and so they were just staring at the sheet music, shrugged and tossed it in the trash? HAHAHA WOULDN’T THAT BE SO MUCH MORE HILARIOUS THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS SHOW?!! HAHAHA?!????

A beer can falls out of Hannah’s locker?  SO are we to believe that Hannah came to school, popped open a can of beer in the bathroom and instead of putting it in the trash where no one would know it’s hers, she carries it back to stash into her locker?  Oh and she must have cleaned the can out because if she didn’t people would be able to smell the beer for MILES! Not buying, PLL.

Ummmm Caleb is an enabler! FULL ON ENABLER! What happened to our knight in shining armour!?

SYDNEY’S PARENTS OWN A FROZEN YOGURT CHAIN!?!?!?! THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER!  There should be a spin-off about the girls traveling the country to find A who happens to be putting her code in froyo! THAT would be awesome!

Why does Spencer tell Toby he can’t just “up and be a cop”? Is she the police chief now?

Oh the guy in the coffeeshop? Aria’s step-dad-to-be?  The one giving Hannah the pedo-eyes? He’s gonna rape her, right? That’s what the show is insinuating? The close up shot of his hand on her lower back, offering to help hide her drinking if she helps him WINK WINK F*CKING WINK INSINUATIONS.

Why are the girls being SO SO mean to Hannah?  Not only is she clearly suffering but she was clearly creeped on by the guy but her friends, rather than showing empathy, say she must have been drunk?  Nice.

All of these girls officially suck. They are so beyond cruel to each other in the most unnecessary ways.  Rather than support each other and lift each other up they are constantly berating and belittling each other!

OMG RAPEY-COFFEE-ARIAS-STEPDAD just got into Hannah’s car!  “I saw you out here and thought we could talk…I just wasn’t sure what your takeaway from yesterday was. I wasn’t sure if you were feeling the same vibe as me but I kind of think you were…” THEN HE WROTE HIS # DOWN ON PAPER FOR HER AND SAYS “Hit me up.”

WTF. NO! STOP! ABC FAMILY PLEASE STOP WITH THE STATUTORY RAPE AND REGULAR RAPE AS WELL PLEASE?!

Thanks, Society.

WOW Aria is being SO SO SO MEAN! Hannah told her about daddy-dearest and Aria accuses Hannah of being trashed.  Basically all of these girls except for Hannah who, sure, has poor coping skills, are the worst!

“Go, study hard, graduate early, with my parents splitting up…it’s getting so much worse…”-SPENCER pulls a 180 on Toby now saying he should, to quote her “up and be a cop!”  How beneficial to SPENCER. How fucking self absorbed is the bitch?! Her opinion changes at will based on how the situation benefits HER and HER ALONE.