Pretty Little Liars: Whirly Girlie

“Ali-are we in agreement?”-Spencer needs to friggin’ tone it down. Is she trying to get verbal confirmation, like she’s gonna enforce any of this if (when) Ali lies?

“I know who you are”-Detective BlahBlahWhoCares says. Yeah cause hes’ probably using her pictures as porn. DON’T JUDGE ME! THIS SHOW MADE ME THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A MONSTER—IT IS!

“Mom, she just wants to move on, okay? Yes, it was a nightmare but we need it to end!”-Why are these girls SO ANNOYED that their moms have questions about them running away and finding their friend who’s been dead and buried for 2 years? Like is it SO SHOCKING that you parents questioned your disappearance? Or your dead friend?

“Is Allison alive and in her house?”-Aria’s brother asks a VERY specific question–the kind of question that makes me think he wants to know for a specific reason, like, to stab her….at her house….

“We’re back in planet Allison…why is she still controlling us?”-Ohhhhhh methinks Spencer liked being the one in control…..

SO Spencer’s neighbor throws a roll of toilet paper out the window with a message to the girls on it. They act so scared and surprised and ask “who sent this?!” and their neighbor draws a question mark on the window in response.  The window has a LOT of condensation inside, by the way.  BUT ANYWAYS, I DIGRESS–> When the neighbor shut the door they act like all hope is lost.  Cant they knock on their neighbor’s door and ask again in the morning? That wasn’t a phantom neighbor, was it?

So Aria is woken up by a violin playing something Shauna used to play or something else stupid.  But here’s my thing–why doesn’t anyone else notice this? Why don’t her neighbors complain about the noise? Wouldn’t the HOA put a stop to this?

Why is Jason so angry?????  He watched Allison SLEEP?!?! Dude, again, maybe I’m watching Game of Thrones but is he gonna like….try to marry her?  Also, why doesn’t she tell her dad about this? He seems legit.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why is Toby’s hair slicked back??!

“I have to go home and change my underwear!”– The reason Hannah is the best character!

I don’t know if it’s the combination of his slicked back hair and pale skin, but I THINK, I’m not sure, but I THINK Toby is a vampire. 

“I don’t have to hide. You do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”-So I get that Mona saying this is supposed to be a threat BUUUUUUT when you say that without a disguise and walk away, then can’t Allison turn around and call the cops?  Then the cops can deal with Mona’s threats and Allison doesn’t have to keep trying to act like a girl who is scared (she keeps blinking and fluttering her eyelashes as though THAT is what is going to convey to the viewer that she is afraid, not the ominous music).

MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER FINDS ALLISON’S DEAD MOM! Oh yeah, Ali’s mom is dead, y’all.

Here’s the new hero and my current favorite character, Pepe:

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-Hot for Teacher

Doesn’t the title of this episode sum it all up?

Wait Hannah’s hair is dark now?! When did that happen?  Oh well….

So Emily’s dad’s anemia caused heart-attack-like symptoms?  In the last episode her dad said he didn’t want to tell her and worry her but “something is wrong” and they were “running tests.”  So her dad’s doctors were so confused and confounded about a crazy, confused diagnosis of….Anemia?  I think Wren needs to come back!

“A played post office between my teeth”-So the surgery that A performed on Hannah was to put a note between her teeth?  Then why did she wake up with a bloody mouth?  This reminds me of the episode of Louis I once saw…..

Ezra is begging Aria to come to the cabin with him.  He says, “Aria….I-I thought we would be able to use this cabin.”

“…….as a dungeon for me to hide your chopped up body parts. Why are you acting so weird?”–Ok, so he didn’t ACTUALLY say that but that’s basically what he was TRYING to say.

Spencer is buying what I assume is Vyvanse or another stimulant.  What’s odd is that when the girl asks her for payment (50 bucks) Spencer acts like she expected a handout.  Spencer’s parents are BOTH wealthy attorneys.  The show has gone to great pains to show us how wealthy they are (Spencer did horseback riding, they have a private pool, a private pool house, etc etc etc), so why is she being so weird now?

She’s also OVERSELLING how suspicious she is of Ezra (as evinced by this picture below)

You know what I am noticing?? In these episodes Ezra’s face is clean-shaven.  I wonder if ABC Family realized how creepy his “love story” with a student is, so they’re trying to make him look younger?  This show started FOUR YEARS AGO and their characters are seniors now, meaning that when he and Aria started having sex, she was 14, 15 MAX, and at that point Allison had been dead for a year SO ALLISON WAS MAX 13 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE AND EZRA STARTED DATING AND ALLISON TEASED HIM FOR EATING PIE WITH BEER.

What is WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?!  I am DISGUSTED by the fact that ABC Family is GLORIFYING this shit.

Ezra is also getting OUT OF HAND controlling.  They are at the cabin, and Aria asks him to drive her home.  He says “Maybe being torn between me and your friends is not such a bad thing….I know it feels like you’re growing away from them but maybe it’s me and you growing closer. If this is going to last then you have to start thinking of me being the person you’re closest to….”

I’m sorry WHAT?! That is the most manipulative thing to say! NO, it’s NOT NORMAL for you boyfriend to want to be the ONLY THING ON THE PLANET.  It’s eerily codependent and not “cute” or endearing.

OMG OMG OMG EZRA’S “A-LAIR” IS IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS CABIN! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you can’t see in the picture below is that Ezra’s hand is in his pants:

OMG OMG OMG OMG EZRA IS WATCHING ARIA SLEEP! OMG OMG OMG EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ezra is the world’s worst liar. “I–I’m just…really….glad…you’re here?”–He LITERALLY said it in that intonation! The show, in effort to make him appear hollow, has either ASKED him to look vacant and brain dead or that’s the actor’s face and I’m just now noticing it.

“My head feels like it’s full of hot ice cubes!“–>This is why I love Hannah.  Because she says nonsense gibberish like that. That is not even a saying. Go ahead. Google it. I’ll wait.

…………………

Did you do it?  Yeah, when you google it, PLL links come up. Because it’s completely unintelligible like most things Hannah says.

OK, so Allison spends THOUSANDS of dollars trying to get places to stay and resources because she is on the run. When she calls Shauna from the payphone, we see her perfectly manicured nails dialing the buttons. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE she would have more money if she wasn’t getting gel manicures and getting blow-outs (her hair is freshly done).  THIS IS WHY 13-16 year old runaways should go to the POLICE when they are running from someone or something! Their brains aren’t developed enough to handle REAL LIFE problems, let alone CRAZY-WORLD-WHERE-REALITY-IS-SUSPENDED problems!

NEXT WEEK’S PLL IS ALL BLACK AND WHITE AND FILM NOIRE! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  ALSO, I CALLED WREN COMING BACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pretty Little Liars 2014

First, let me apologize for my delay in posting, 2014 has started on a VERY busy foot!

However, it does not mean that I am too busy for PLL!

Let’s recap the first 4 episodes of 2014 together.  It seems as though Spencer has decided that she needs to bully Hannah nonstop because, well, as I have said before, Spencer is the worst human being ever.

Hannah: “I have a theory.”

Spencer: “A what?”

(after Hannah explains her theory)

Spencer: “You’re right, that IS a theory”

Spencer is SUCH an asshole, I don’t know why these girls are still friends with her. Seriously. She is so condescending and rude.

Later on when Hannah is right about something else Spencer says “Wow, Hannah, yeah, youre 2 for 2.”

Spencer is a bully! Maybe Hannah has stockholm syndrome, where she’s been friends with this girl for so long she thinks she can’t find a better friend?  The poor girl!  Aria even tells Spencer in a later episode to LEAVE HANNAH alone!  Where is Melissa and why can’t she come back and kill Spencer’s character off??

Aria and Ezra have a little rendez-vous one-on-one and it goes down as creepily as you thought it would.

• “After you graduate and leave this place, I’d like to be the person you think I am“-CREEPIEST SENTENCE EVER.  To me, it’s the equivalent of saying “After you finish high school and I continue being a man in his late 20’s with a child who is only slightly younger than you, let’s continue this affair that we began when you were 15 and allow me to be the man your 15 year old mind thought I was, which was wholly unrealistic because you were, well FIFTEEN.“

Also, later in this episode, Aria wore these pants:

Yup. Those pants happened ^.

SPENCER’S DAD IS HERE! We haven’t seen him in FOREVER! OMG! He’s REAL! And he seems to hate Spencer as much as I do.

Mona is seducing/bribing Ezra! Yay! I don’t know why but this seriously makes me happy! It’s about time someone fucked with him.

      ZOMG MONA KNOWS Ezra is A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She KNOWS! OMG OMG!

• Mona “I’ve had to be, I mean, I’ve had a rather Dickensian life up until now. Fully of folly, grudges, false imprisonment, people thinking I’m one thing when I know“
• Um, NO 17 year old talks like that. An ACTUAL 17 year old would say something more like “I had, like, a really hard year. Like, it’s not even fair! I totally didn’t do anything wrong! Ugh, I can’t wait till I have my own car and my own place, then people can’t tell me what to do because I will be a grown up!“

Gross, Ezra has Aria in this little cabin and he’s talking about keeping the place to spend time with Aria there and he says, “We can have this place…It can be our secret.”

• That’s when I would RUN!. RUN, ARIA! He’s going to murder you

Caleb leaves Hannah after a very unnecessarily vague explanation.

Hannah starts crying and her mom sees her.  Hannah sobs “Is that how it works? They just leave.”

• This poor girl has NO solid male role models in her life, her mom is a thief who has been arrested more than once and her friend Spencer is a bully. She thinks that “this is how it works” with relationships, “they just leave”. Ugh poor girl! She needs a hug!

Wait, I just saw a commercial for RavenSwood and it said “Watch it live after Pretty Little Liars!“

Live?!?!  WAIT. IS THERE GOING TO BE A LIVE AIRING meaning that the actors will be acting LIVE AND THERE ARE NO CUTS?!  AMAAAZINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope that’s what they meant.

Emily is talking about how awful Allison was and she says, “Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing. I don’t think she did.”

I’m not sure that’s what cruel would mean….

cru·el

adjective \ˈkrü(-ə)l\

—used to describe people who hurt others and do not feel sorry about it

•     According to this^ it means a LACK of caring….

Hannah has this diary of Alli’s and apparently it’s full of awful things.  I don’t think these girls should hold their friend’s DIARY from when she was 14-15 to judge her!  If someone read my diary when I was 14 they probably would have thought I was a boy-crazy psychopath with an abnormal obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

____________

The next episode of 2014 opens on the girls getting ready to read Allison’s diary!

They are taking turns on who takes it home and reads it, which is weird, they could just read it together, but whatever.

Allison comes to Emily’s room in the middle of the night. And now we know that it’s not a dream, it’s really Allison.

• ………except somehow Allison comes to Emily’s room, has a conversation with her, then somehow puts Emily back to sleep in a spell that causes Emily to wake up with a JOLT and not know if Allison was really there. WTF?! THAT CAN’T HAPPEN! Unless Allison went to Harry Potter World in Orlando and learned some magic, in which case, she must have aced her Charms class.

God Ezra is so creepy.  Besides being A and following around a group of teenaged girls, sleeping with one of them, threatening them and obsessing over Allison, he’s also just sitting in his classroom on his laptop watching videos of Allison.  And we can’t see his hands. Just sayin’……

EWWWWWWWWWWW Ezra is at Hannah’s house, talking to her mom, offering to spend extra time with Hannah on school work, at her house. EW. EW. EW. How do parents NOT immediately reject this idea?!  If my daughter’s attractive young teacher came to my HOME and offered to spend extra with her, I would call the cops.  Maybe. Probably not. But I’d say NO!

Ok, the girls see in Allison’s diary that someone was called “cradle-robber” and now they are wondering if that is Allison was the older one in a sordid affair!

• Allison “died” at 15.  So if she was dating a guy younger than 14 or 13 then she was a sex offender as well, just a minor.  And given Allison’s history of dating older men, it makes sense that the “cradle robber” was HER older man. God these girls have TERRIBLE deductive skills.
• OMG, I was SO WRONG!  SPOILER ALERT!  Cradle Robber is HANNAH! and the aforementioned cradle that she was robbing was ARIA’S LITTLE BROTHER’S! EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

“Mediation? Litigation? How do you keep it all straight?” Spencer said to her attorney-dad.  Um. Aren’t you top of your class, Spencer? Yet SOMEHOW you can’t differentiate between the terms MEDIATE and LITIGATE?!  Listen, English is my second language and even BEFORE law school I knew the difference between those two words.  Spencer’s school needs to reevaluate the credentials they use to determine who is “top” of the class.  MAYBE, SPENCER, JUST MAYBE that’s why you didn’t get into your dream school!

Aria is going to break up with Jake! OMG!

He knows it’s coming.  He says “C’mon Aria, I can handle the truth.“

•  That’s a red flag for “I CANNOT handle the truth, I’m going to act calm and then I will lash out in a bad way! Don’t tell me!  Soften the blow!“

Hannah invites this new guy (I didn’t even bother listening for his name) to play pool with her….Isn’t she heartbroken about Caleb?? OH WAIT, I KNOW WHY! So we can have this obligatory shot:

 

Allison and Emily are gonna meet up tonight! Spencer is sooooooo jealous: “Wait why does she only want to meet with you?”

Get over it, Spencer! You suck!

Annnnnd later on what did Spencer do? RUIN the meet up! And dude, Emily is pissed. Honestly, this is the best acting I’ve seen from Shay Mitchell on this show.

Ohhhh Jake witnesses Ezra have a meltdown with a girl and hit her car! OMGEEEEE! OF COURSE HE DID!

• Why do I say that? So that Jake can tell Aria what he witnessed, and then Aria will say he’s making it up or exaggerating because Jake is mad about the breaek up, thus pushing the safe, age-appropriate choice further away and pushing Aria further into psycho-Ezra’s arms, which is EXACTLY what the writers want because that will make the blow of Ezra being A even MORE of a betrayal. Phew!
• Update: I was EXACTLY right. Gosh, I do LOVE being right.

Hannah’s mom takes her to a plate throwing “range”….it looks just like a gun range but instead of shooting guns, people put on goggles, get a lane, but instead of shooting a gun, they throw plates.  I googled this and guess what? It’s not a thing!  SHOCKER! SOMETHING ON THIS SHOW WAS MADE UP!??!!!

• Ok, wait, so Hannah’s at the dentist and A drugs her, injects her mouth with Novocaine and surgically injects something in her mouth. It is not made clear WHERE this foreign object was placed (i.e. gums, tooth?) but then later Spencer is able to remove it WITH TWEEZERS?!?!  So the surgical procedure that A did was to do what? And the blood on Hannah’s mouth?!
• ALSO, the note came out COMPLETELY CLEAN, NO BLOOD ON IT! UGHHHHHHH it makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 24

1. Aria just threatened to tell the Dean about her dad’s affair with his graduate student.  Typical 16-year old.

2. Pregnant Melissa just threatened Spencer with videos.

3. I have lost all sense of reality in this strange alternate universe.

4. WHAT SEASON IS IT?!  The door was open and the house was apparently cold. Caleb is wearing a cable knit sweater.  HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?

5. “So great, he read the paper, it doesn’t mean he can look at a spoon and bend it!”—MATRIX REFERENCE

6. DOLLS ARE TALKING ON THEIR OWN! I AM WIGGING OUT! dfgjkbdfgjkbgsdjkfg

7. Ezra got fired!

8.  Aria wears a lot of rings. That’s all. I hyperlinked those words with pictures of her many rings.

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 21

1. PAIGE IS BACK! YAY!

2. Melissa’s sister might have been part of Allison’s murder and all of a sudden Spencer is loyal to her?!
Spencer, go back to kissing your sister’s fiancees and stop the drama.

3. “People don’t usually bring a glock to the OBGYN“-Wren.

Reaaaallly Wren? So now you are an ER doctor, an internist, an OBGYN AND A FIRST YEAR MEDICAL SCHOOL STUDENT?!

UNLESS it’s actually been 5 years since the first episode, in which his comments are SLIGHTLY more credible.

4. “I have an obsessive need to be the best at everything. I even have to win at yoga”

Spencer, we get it. You suck. YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYTHING.

5. The reason Spencer broke up with Toby was to protect him but then she is gonna run and bone Wren? So won’t Wren get hurt by A? But then, how does that make sense? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 6

HEY GUYS! THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BUY SOME MEDIOCRE SHAMPOO (Screams this shot):

1.

2. I realized a huge story inconsistency today while working on my family law final exam (because who needs school when you have the pretty little liars): Wren is supposedly a first year medical school student but somehow he steals drugs from the hospital for Melissa.

Um, I know how medical school works: you don’t even have rotations your first year! How on earth does Wren not only have rotations but he has access to pain killers (aka, C2 drugs)?!

IT MAKES NO SENSE!

3. Call me crazy but wouldn’t it be incredibly difficult to use the sensitive mouse with LEATHER GLOVES ON?!

Also, A is the WORST!  Who the frack gets THE ITALIAN EDITION OF COUTURE MAGAZINE?!

UPDATE:

COUTURE IN ITALIAN IS NOT COUTURA! 

IF A WRITER/PRODUCER HAD USED WORD REFERENCE OR AN ITALIAN THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!

I am officially convinced that this show is written by 11-year olds.

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 5

1. Ezra’s ex is in the picture!  Aria is introduced as a former student.  “I thought the whole point of you working here was so that you didn’t have to introduce me as a former student.”

NO.  The whole point of him becoming a PROFESSOR is to ADVANCE HIS CAREER! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, ARIA!  Who are you, SPENCER?

2. SPOILER ALERT: Ian was found dead with a suicide note admitting to killing Allison.

And cue the drinking of tea from a mug with BOTH HANDS.  These girls are gonna be incapacitated by their tea.

3. Aria is pissed because at Ian’s funeral Ezra told her parents that he was there to support all his students instead of admitting his love for her.

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T DATE 16-YEAR OLDS!  They make everything about them, even at someone’s funeral!

3. At Ian’s funeral they show the Pretty Little Liars putting dirt on Ian’s grave.  That seems to be in poor taste, no?  These girls blamed Ian for killing Allison and did not stop until they found him dead (potentially murdered).  Having them put the dirt on his grave seems almost glib…..

4.  Allison’s brother has now said he was “out of it last summer” or “loaded last summer” 5 times in one episode.

We get it, you liked to get high!  You aren’t the first person to smoke pot! Jesus!

5. Caleb just brought Hannah take-out and a GIANT 3lb BAG OF ICE! “You know when guys buy girls ice, that’s not what they mean” Hannah says.

Please tell me that I missed something here.  Was it literally JUST FOR THE PUN!?

6. A leads the girls to the cemetery where A projects a video onto a mausoleum.  The girls look around frantically for the projector/source of the video.

Guys.  The projector is going to be ACROSS FROM THE VIDEO. BOOM. Problem solved.

Ugh these girls are so dumb sometimes, I cannot handle this!  Onto episode 6….

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 4

New low? Watching Pretty Little Liars while eating raw cookie dough from a package that says “PLEASE DO NOT EAT RAW COOKIE DOUGH“.  Nice try, Pillsbury, nice try.

1. A just bought Emily a ton of DANBY College paraphernalia.  Again, the billionaire with disfigured hands theory is starting to make more and more sense.

2. “Well that seems to make a reasonable amount of sense”–WHAT KIND OF PARENT SAYS THOSE WORDS TO A BLATANT LIE?! AND NOT sarcastically!

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 3

1. Ezra teaches at the local college now and Aria goes to visit him. She says, “Can I tell you how great it is to just hold hands with you”. And then they kiss. HOW CAN I MAKE THIS MORE CLEAR:

JUST BECAUSE YOUR 24 YEAR OLD TEACHER IS NOW A PROFESSOR AT A COLLEGE, THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU MAGICALLY 18 OR OLDER.

EZRA, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! UNLESS THE COLLEGE IS IN SOME SORT OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM WHERE SHE ARIA AGES 2 YEARS in A SECOND, YOU ARE STILL RAPING HER AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER!

2. No one on this show has celebrated Christmas, birthdays, holidays, etc. The only indicator of time passing is Melissa’s pregnancy. School has not let out for summer, winter or spring break. I don’t even know what season it is because during the day people are wearing tanks and at night they are wearing coats!

3. “Sometimes when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”-Emily said to Spencer.

Spencer, “Why are you talking to me like Ben Franklin?”

Really Spencer? How do you how Ben Franklin spoke? Ugh I hate Spencer.

4. Aria is taking a college class and Jenna is coincidently in the same class….erm, small town I guess?
So Aria does not want Jenna to know that she is in the class, so when the teacher asks her name she lies and says Anita.

You can’t do that!! The professor has your name in the roll an how do you expect to get a grade when you just make up a name? “Uhh my name is Aria but I said Anita because I didn’t want the blind girl who raped her step brother to know I’m in the class…?”

5. SPENCER IS PAWNING MELISSA’S ENGAGEMENT RING! WTF, SPENCER?! GAWD she really IS the worst!!!!!!

6. GUYS!!!! The actress that plays Jenna is OLDER than Ezra!

7. I KNOW WHO A IS (I really do not): A RICH BILLIONAIRE WITH DISFIGURED HANDS! How do I know? Because A bought Melissa’s pawned engagement ring with cash.  The ring allegedly “put all the other jewelery to shame” according to the pawn shop owner. SO what 16 year old has 30-40K cash laying around? THEY DON’T So it MUST be a billionaire!

BUT this show also lacks logic and a timeline so I could be wrong and it’s a 16-year old girl. Who knows anymore? Who cares?

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 2

SPOILER ALERTS!

Ian might be alive and Melissa might be hiding him!

1. Aria is being passive aggressive with Ezra….again, being 16….actually, adults do that, too, so moving on…..

2. Ok, when I was in high school there were rules on what we could wear! Your shorts/skirts have to be fingertip length or two inches above the knee.

No tank tops, no spaghetti straps.

No clothing with holes in it, even intentional holes

No visible tattoos.

These kids have broken ALL of these rules! Even the tattoo one (I’m looking at you, Toby).

3. “ When I hide something, it stays hid“-Allison
My spellcheck got angry and tried to fix that sentence. Because when I talk English, I talk good.

4. OMG best scene ever below. Underage student making out with her teacher with YELLOW SCHOOL BUSES IN THE BACKGROUND!!! Soo, erm, romantic? Nope, creepy, sooooo creepy: