Pretty Little Liars-The Guilty Girl’s Handbook

“You better bring a jacket, it’s supposed to be cold tonight“–Hey, Emily’s mom? IT’S JULY!!!!!!!!!!!  WHERE DO YOU LIVE THAT YOU NEED A JACKET IN JULY!?!?!

When did Emily go to HAITI!?!  And “last summer”!?  Was this the only summer this show has acknowledged in 4 years that Ezra is referring to???

Blechhhhhhh Spencer is talking to an orderly from Radley. I say “blech” because yeah right this orderly would tell her the truth about Toby’s mom’s suicide. Yup, he would put his ass on the line for an underage high school student who was once admitted to a psychiatric institution against her will. Yup, this would ALLLLLLLLLLL happen in real life………….NO IT WOULDN’T! UNLESS SPENCER GAVE THAT GUY THE MOST AMAZING BJ OF HIS LIFE, OR UNLESS SHE PAID HIM A HUGE SUM OF MONEY, HE WOULD NOT TELL HER SHIT!  Even IF she gave him a BJ, I’m still not sure it would be enough for anyone to tell some random crazy teenage anything about their police report…… UGH!

Ok, WHY is Rumor Willis on Pretty Little Liars?  Is her career THAT bad that she needs this job? A JOB THAT MAKES HER WEAR THIS TO WORK:

POOR RUMOR!  THOSE PANTS ARE TOO HIGH and make this otherwise fit woman with a hot body look frumpy as fuck.  She must have pissed of wardrobe……

OH SNAP! Rumer Willis has had some work done…….and she looks good! That’s an aside, not related to the show….

Ohhhh there is another age-inappropriate love prospective for Spencer (even though she is dating Toby)….

This guy is a 3rd year law student who is interning with her mom….Yup, just what every 3rd year law student wants to deal with, an entitled high school paramour with no real-world experience and no advanced education, that way they can stay up allllll night having deep discussions about shows like this. Ugh. No.  This show works SO HARD to make us believe that every man who crosses paths with Spencer wants to bone her, and that’s just not reality! She is a cute young woman but my god, she isn’t Megan Fox!

I have NO IDEA who any of the men in Aria’s life are besides Chad Lowe.  I cannot distinguish between Aria’s brother, the Dojo guy, the mean guy who called her a slut and so on…..call me racist but they all look the same to me! Brown haired, doe-eyed white guys who like dating tiny-teens who look like dolls.

Ok, each episode for the past three seasons has ended with this person, presumably A, wearing black gloves. Black gloves eating popcorn, drinking wine, buying stuff in stores.  Ohhhh plot twist: A has leprosy and THAT is why he/she wears gloves!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT! ARIA AND JAKE ARE HAVING A WHOLE CONVO ABOUT WHEN THE MOVIE OPENS GOING TO SEE IT, WHY SHE LOVES IT, etc.  THIS HAS OFFICIALLY BECOME a daytime soap opera, days of our lives alllll over again! UGH!!!!!!!

 

Pretty Little Liars-Crash and Burn, Girl!

“It’s time to bust out the big guns-cake frosting and a spoon“-That is by SMARTEST thing Spencer has ever said on the show. Ever.

OHHHH Caleb and Toby are plotting TOGETHER, AGAINST A! I like this duo!  I know Toby finished high school but what about Caleb??! Doesn’t he have high school and a biological mom to tend to?!

I just realized that they keep saying RavenSwood, I assumed it was Ravenwood!  I wonder if that’s like a Harry Potter trademark issue thingy…bah, who are we kidding, they probably wouldn’t even notice, it was probably a typo and the writers of the show just went with it.

WAIT. Aria’s bother was a no-show between season 1 and now, and NOW the writers are trying to make him an ACTUAL character worth caring about?! Oh heeellll no! I already don’t care about Spencer, and she has been through a lot more!

Hannah is paying all the bills while her mom is in jail! That makes no sense! If she is a minor then shouldn’t her dad or some court appointed guardian be sent to stay with her??!!?!  WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?!?!!?

Wait what kind of town is Rosewood that involuntary manslaughter gets you at least 20 years?!?!?!!!!  That’s BEYOND excessive!  THAT’S UNCONSTITUTIONAL! dkjhgsdkfgdkjshgkdfhg! MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE NONSENSE!

Ok, so Emily, Aria and Spencer broke into Wilden’s apartment and AFTER breaking in they put on gloves to prevent prints? AFTER breaking in?! THIS IS WHY THEY NEED THEIR HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATIONS!

So in Wilden’s apartment the girls have found his movie collection! “Yeah if you consider Lord of the G-Strings a classic!” (YES, that is a real movie! HA!)

I’m confused, are Caleb and Toby roughing up a guy who works at a plane hangar? And this guy is the only person who works here and there is no security? YEAH RIGHT! We live in a post-911 world, there is NO WAY an airport hangar has ZERO security! Nice try PLL, but I’m not letting this one go!

Wait, is Ezra trying to bribe the principal of the school because the principal asked Aria about her brother’s medical history?  HOW is that bribe-able information!?!?!

Why would CeCe want Toby’s mom’s records?!!?!?

Oh EMILY stole Wilden’s keys from her mom’s work at the police station and NOW her mom got suspended for “losing” the key! Tsk tsk tsk Emily, losing the scholarship, having Family Services at the house and now your mama getting suspended? You’re really giving Spencer a run for her money for being the WORST!

Ohhh because Detective Wilden is dead the show wrote in a new “rape eyes” character:

If those eyes don’t scream rape, I don’t know what eyes do!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-Under the Gun

Before I begin, let me apologize for the lack of post last week!

To recap, last week’s episode re-introduced Aria’s little brother who disappeared after season 1 and there is ANOTHER potential statutory rape situation, this time for Emily.  It really does surprise me MORE when one of these girls dates someone who is age-appropriate, which really does not say much about ABC “Family”, does it?

The episode ended with Hannah getting arrested at a sorority party, presumably for being in possession of the gun that killed Wilden.

NOW onto the current episode!

How do the police know Hannah had the gun?

“You could be looking at 3rd degree felony for carrying a concealed weapon“–So someone called the police and said 17 year old blonde white girl is at a sorority party and she has a concealed weapon, right? So the cops RUSH to this sorority after getting this “tip” and find Hannah among the hundreds of caucasian blonde girls and arrest her in minutes?!                                                                                                                 RIGHT, because that makes perfect sense in this ridiculous world that the girls of Rosewood live in.

“What were you thinking?!” Hannah’s dad asks her.  GOOD QUESTION, but the better question is, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED, “dad”?! I blame absentee parents for Hannah making poor choices.

I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING–Since when did Shauna set fire to the building last season? I thought A did that?

Spencer just said “Mo money mo problems”. Yikes, Spencer, stick to what you know, being an uptight bitch. Nothing more, nothing less.

A is so ethereal and omnipresent that I often have to pretend that I am watching a show like “Vampire Diaries”, where you know that the show is all make believe and biologically impossible. That is what A is, biologically impossible.

The what-happened-to-Toby’s-mom tangent story is not compelling at all.  I feel like ABC Family wants to make another spinoff like Ravenwood.  That’s not likely, Toby is not as sympathetic as a character, not with all the “is he evil” “is he fucking his sister” confusion.

Why does Aria always end up kissing guys she spends more than 5 minutes with? Methinks she is catching Spencer-like symptoms of slutty-bitchface.

Aria is confronting her little brother’s friend. who is calling her a slut and saying he hooked up with her.  Can I say, this is the most upsettingly “real” high school thing this show has ever conveyed, high school bullying and girls being called sluts. This show is not helping the teen-girl cause AT ALL. This show portrays underage girls as having sex with older men, dating their teachers, step-siblings, and dressing proactively.  In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize how misogynistic this show is!

Spencer and Toby enter Pleasantville!!  Just kidding, they are just in a town where everything is sepia-toned, like a giant, douchey instagram picture (or I guess video now).

Ok, Spencer is wearing what appears to be a FLEECE COAT:

I don’t know what happened to the picture but my comment says “Spencer doesn’t realize it’s July.”

“I’m your brother. I’m supposed to watch out for you, stand up for you,” Aria’s ‘brother’ tells her. Guess what, you should also try existing, ABC Family writers!  If we want to feel bad that Aria embarrassed her brother, we should be reminded that she HAS a brother, and not just once every 4 years!

This sepia-toned town is ridiculous, are the viewers not supposed to notice the camera the dramatic coloring and just feel uneasy but not know why?

Why is Shauna everywhere? Why does she matter?! DID I MISS SOMETHING?! WHY DO I CARE?!?!?!!?

A sepia colored bird dies and falls onto Spencer’s car! ERMGERD!

TOYOTA product placement! Sorry, I just noticed that the producers keep shoving Spencer’s Toyota in our faces.  That girl has run back and forth to her car more times than necessary, and the camera keeps panning in from the front, making sure we see the Toyota symbol.

OMG this violin solo is giving me a headache.  And why are the girls watching Shauna play the violin as though she is doing something sinister?!

Ok, so Hannah’s mom was set up by A, and A allegedly has the skills necessary to copy her mom’s fingerprints and put them on the bullets in a manner that the police cannot detect was fraudulent?  UGHHHH, Ok, DEEP BREATHS, SUSPENDING REALITY HERE!

UGHHHHHHHHHH

until next week’s shenanigans, ughhhhhh

 

Pretty Little Liars-FACE TIME

“If I dressed like that in high school, my dad would have had a stroke.”-Nurse and later Dr. Cruz from Nip/Tuck, aka the new cop in town.

“A big lie gives you something to hang on to, trouble starts when you shave the truth and it gets all twisted up.“-Hanna, what?? No seriously, what?!!  ALL OF YOUR LIES HAVE WORKED AGAINST YOU!!!!!!!!

“I’m not jealous!” Spencer exclaims, her voice FULL of jealousy.

Emily’s 12-year old doctor is SO stupid. Seriously guys.  I can’t even type out all the ways he is stupid.

“Why don’t you come over anymore?” Malcolm asks Aria. Kid, she came over twice, one time which she may or may not have neglected you and sent you to the ER. Chill out.

Toby tracks down his mother’s psychiatrist and demands to know the truth of his mother’s suicide.

OMG HIPPA VIOLATIONS! HIPPA VIOLATIONS! HE CAN’T TELL TOBY THIS INFORMATION! I EVEN GOOGLED IT TO BE SURE!

Ohhhh this guy is crazy and demented. I get it. No HIPPA violations, he is crazy.

Spencer is cuntily narrating her sister falling into her trap.  UGH I HOPE Melissa is A and out to get Spencer.

Ok, the girls are filming Melissa, at what appears to be dusk, and from what appears to be about 20 feet away from her outside the window.  AKA in the real world these girls are in PLAIN SIGHT OF MELISSA. SHE WOULD SEE THEM AND RUN OUTSIDE AND BE LIKE.

“Spencer you little slore, stop filming me!” And then she would smack Spencer in the mouth for being a bitch.  That’s what I wish happened. But no, Spencer somehow goes unnoticed.

More Allison Masks! ROWS AND ROWS OF ALLISON MASKS! WHAT COULD IT ALL MEAN!!??!?

“I didn’t have the heart to destroy them. I mean, look at them, she’s beautiful.” Says the mask-maker.  Dude, she was a 14-year old CHILD, you keeping dozens of moldings of a child’s face and obsessing over how beautiful she was makes you a creepy old pedophile, NOT an artist.

Ok, this episode is done and HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE LEARNED:

DETECTIVE WILDEN HAD A CANADIAN PASSPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otherwise, this episode was completely useless. The editors at ABC Family can delete this episode from its archives and there would be no holes in the storyline.