Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Unbridled

I am just so tired of this show, I can’t explain how exhausted I am by all of this nonsense.

I have decided to add some of my own thoughts into this episode in copious volumes. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much!

We open to Spencer in a wedding gown running through the woods, her veil getting stuck in the tumbleweed. The panicked look on her face tells me, “I need to get to the altar fast! Toby won’t marry me if I am covered in dirt! RIGHT?!! IS THAT WHAT THE METH SAID??! WAIT IS METH A PERSON? WHERE AM I? I LOVE PLAID AND BERETS!! YAY??!!”

Hanna is talking about Paige’s letter to the cops. When pointing out that it must be Paige, Hannah says
“It’s her handwriting and her stationary”……I’m sorry, Paige has her own stationary? Who is she, Brad Pitt?! OH, I’m sorry readers, did you not get that obscure reference?? (OVERLY DRAMATIC EYEROLL SEQUENCE followed by a knock in the head to jostle eyeballs back into place.)

Aria’s mom says to her: “Your father made it sound like you were hosting the rolling stones.” OH, I’M SO SORRY! I didn’t know that CHAD LOWE, brother of INFAMOUS-SEX-TAPE-WITH-A-MINOR-ROB-LOW had ANY right to comment on a girl’s promiscuity!

“I did it to protect you” The emotionally abusive girlfriend says.

“I guess a bridal show would bring up other issues like Ezra…and Maggie….and their son…” Aria’s mom says. Um, did I accidentally hit the remote and turn on TEEN MOM!?? Can your daughter graduate from HIGH SCHOOL before you mention WEDDINGS????????? SERIOUSLY?! Ugh!

Spencer’s sober coach is reading Love at First Fight….I am choosing to ignore what he says and ignore the wikipedia page, so I am going to come up with my own book synopsis:

Love at First Fight: This is the harrowing tale of a middle-aged man, Vernon, who finds his true calling in the bloodiest of all spectator sports, Cock Fighting. Unfortunately, on his first day, before he even got to ref his first game, a cock got loose and pecked his eyes out. That’s where he found love. Blinded what turned out to be a female bird, Vern learns what real love is and he learns that love truly is blind.

Spencer’s mom does a flashback in which SPENCER IS NOT PRESENT, then her mom, shocked, says “You don’t remember any of this??”

Oh, I’m sorry, Ma, was she SUPPOSED to somehow remember a flashback to a memory YOU possess in which she was not actually present?!?! ARE YOU ON METH, TOO?

Spencer to Jason: “Isn’t it funny that you and I always have more in common than you think” (Please say a mutual love of dramatic hats!!!!!!!!)

I digress. Isn’t it weird to have a bridal show modeled entirely by underaged teens? Is this the new Courtney Stodden bridal line?

Dude, wait, Aria’s mom is comparing her divorce (which involved her husband’s infidelity with a younger student [like father like daughter] and 2 kids) with Aria’s teenage romance gone awry? Way to make Aria think that her ridiculous relationship with her rapist was legit, MOM!

I’m still not entirely sure what Spencer was running from in the woods…..maybe I should pay more attention? Ugh that requires too much energy…….

Wait, Spencer’s corset was all human bones inside?? HOW DID SPENCER NOT NOTICE WHEN SHE PUT THE CORSET ON!??! Is that what your brain looks like on meth?? A bone-corset??

And really, is it THAT gross, Spencer? I mean, the bones are clean and everything. Jeez, way to be dramatic, meth-head.

PLL: Cover For Me

We start this episode with Aria puking…please oh please tell me she’s pregnant!!!! Fingers crossed guys!!!

Why do Spencer’s parents insist on her going to in-patient psychiatric treatment or letting her do nothing at all??  Why can’t she see a therapist on a regular, weekly basis and combine that with medication to treat her addiction?  Why are her parents okay with letting her “try” it on her own first?!!?  That’s the sort of EXTREME parenting that leads to creepy adults or assholes.  You pick which one you think Spencer is.

Emily: “Shauna called me this morning”
Spencer: “FROM GEORGIA?!?!?!”  Spencer asks incredulously, as though Georgia was some foreign, third world country where cell phone service doesn’t exist.  Um, honey, we Georgians might be down south but damn girl, we got cell phones and friggin’ southern hospitality!!!!!!

Toby: “You look like crap”—Damn boy, your girlfriend is battling a drug addiction, was that necessary?

Ok, guys, Ezra is NOT just a journalist, he has charts and graphs with pictures of Allison. He has FILES of these girls in his drawers at home.  At BEST he’s a sex offender that should be registered with the state of…..what state is this show based in?  No really, I know it’s a small town in New England but what state??

Ok wait wait wait.  WHY does Ezra have an OLD SCHOOL tape player/recorder with Allison’s voice recorded?!   Really, I need to know? This thing is COMICALLY outdated, just look:

Like, wait, do y’all remember using those in the 80’s?  No? Probably not because if you are reading this then you are not old enough. WELL back in my day you had these things and the mic had to be held RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.  If Ezra REALLY recorded her voice on that monstrosity he would have had a mic held in front of Allison’s mouth and she, at 13/14 years old when he “dated” (read, RAPED) her she would have cried out something like “Oh em geeee dude, double-u tee efffff is thattttt?!”

So no, not buyin’ it, ABC Family.

Paige is being a manipulative bitch to Emily, I must say.  She’s threatening to tell the cops about everything unless Emily tells her the truth….because bribery always works to make a healthy relationship….followed by a manipulative bribe that’s actually a thinly veiled attempt to “protect” Emily
“I’m doing this for you Emily, because I love you so much”—– Um, huh? WTF?! Did you go to the Jonestown School of Manipulation!?!?!  Like, really, Paige is being a super crazy, controlling jerk.

Later she asks Emily nonchalantly about dinner plans.  Emily seems upset.

“Are we okay“-a confuses Paige asks later.  Is she really that stupid?? She thought she could manipulate her girlfriend into doing what she wants and continue having a normal relationship?! NO! YOU RUINED IT! YOU BASICALLY SHOWED EMILY THAT YOU ARE A CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE BUTT FACE! GO AWAY!

When Emily basically says they’re not okay, Paige screws Emily over by dropping info in a cop car…..Jerkkkkkkk!

Toby is spending his settlement money on bad hair styles and leather jackets, ughhhh TOBYYY WHYYYYY?!?!

So the episode wraps up with a family “intervention” including Toby and Spencer’s parents.  The thing is, all they do is stand up when Spencer walks in, and Toby says “You need help, Spencer”.

Spencer goes upstairs.  The end.
THAT’S IT? THAT’S ALL?? THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF THE INTERVENTION??!! Wanna know what I think?  They all hate Spencer as much as I do so they secretly WANT her to go away but want to appear to be trying!
The episode ends with A’s gloved hand reading Ezra’s book pages….ALWAYS A GLOVE!  I think A has leprosy and is embarrassed.  Poor A! It’s okay! There are more functional gloves than standard leather ones! It’s 2014! You can go out and buy some! I won’t judge your leprosy!

Pretty Little Liars: Free Fall

Aka Aria discovers the truth!  Ok, let’s start from the top!

This episode opens on Spencer in a dream sequence?? Nope, Spencer just slept at Ezra’s desk at school, obviously the more logical choice.

Ezra wants to tell Aria about his concerns about Spencer but he manages to make even a simple conversation sound as MOLESTY as humanly possible:  “Hey, Aria, I know youre going to history but I can write you a late pass. We need to talk“   Romance or rape, new drinking game for this show!

“She’s on amphetatimes…she’s a ticking time bomb and when she explodes I don’t want you to get hit by the shrapnel.”  This actually REALLY bothered me but not in the typical PLL-Total-Nonsense way, but in a more practical way.  As a teacher your job is to care about ALL of your students, not about your girlfriend-student getting hit by the shrapnel of your drug-addled student who’s really struggling!  I know, waayyyyyy too pragmatic of a complaint, I get it.

“I guess I’m willing to break the rules if it means helping Spencer”

1. See my comment above, he obviously does NOT care about helping Spencer (I know, I know, bigger picture he doesn’t care about helping Spencer because he’s A, but that’s a side complaint!)

2. He is willing to break the rules ALL THE TIME, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!  He slept with a 13-year old Allison, thought she got pregnant, tried to kill her, then created this A persona to lure 4 girls into being afraid of him, slept with ANOTHER underage student, got fired, rehired, bribed, and smashed a student’s car with a baseball bat.  HE BREAKS ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE IS A PSYCHOPATH!

Why is Toby looking goofier and goofier in every single episode?? Lookit:

“Maybe throw in a lasagna if you’re good and finish all your homework” Ok, let me be perfectly honest. I don’t know what Toby actually said.  I was passively listening at this point and heard that, and I tuned in when he said “if you’re good and finish all your homework.”  He could have said “Maybe throw in an upper-decker if you’re good.” and I would have reacted the same way.  Either way, he was trying to be cutesy/sexy and it really, really creeped me out.  

I find it repulsive when men try to play that dominant-daddy-teacher role like Toby is trying and, well, Ezra is ACTUALLY DOING.  It’s inappropriate in every single way possible.

Aria’s Brother: “I bet you were a cute baby”

Mona: “I had to wear corrective lenses as a baby”

Aria’s Brother: “that sounds adorable”

WHAT?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!  Did Aria’s brother go to the school of Ezra-Creeping?!!? OR WORSE, does he think that baby Mona in corrective-lenses is adorable??  WHAT?! Just, no. I can’t even. UGH!

Oh Aria, all loyalty went out the window with one delirious, meth-induced rant from Spencer?  Not that im against Aria and Ezra breaking up but the way these two wax on and on about their undying love, I would not have thought an amphetime addiction by her friend would be the thing that breaks them up, ya know?

She finds one of Ezra’s journals in which hew wrote about Allison: “Lying was her oxygen…she could do it while she was laughing, she could even do it while she was kissing you.”

Wow, Ezra, for a writer, you suck at writing.

Annnnnnd Aria runs away!  “Aria, I know you’re out there! Why are you hiding from me?” Ezra shouts as he runs into the woods after her. I guess he’s done pretending to be normal.

1.       The best way to pretend you’re not suspicious of your boyfriend being a rapist/killer/psychopath is to act normal dude, don’t run into the woods screaming and panicking! PLAY IT COOL and call 911 under the kitchen table as he serves your underage ass wine.

2.       The best way to pretend youre not a rapist/killer/psychopath is to call Aria when you see she’s not home and just be like “hey babe, where are ya? I got dinner on the stove!”  NOT run into the woods screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

Also, Ezra’s home security system looks like a Leapfrog Learning Pad for children:

Ezra is saying he is a true-crime novelist writing about Allison.  He says he met her in college and she lied about her age and he believed her.

Have you TALKED TO a 13/14 year old?! No really, go talk to one. I will wait. Find your niece, nephew, cousin, sister, whatever. I’m waiting.

Did you do it??  Yeah. There is no way you could mistake her for a 20 year old, Ezra.  I can barely understand what teenagers are saying between their acronyms, slang, and pop-culture, let alone have an extensional discussion about the meaning of life.

THEN, THEN ARIA MAKES A NEW UGLY CRY FACE THAT RIVALS KIM KARDASHIAN AND DAWSON’S!

Spencer’s mom confronts her about her drug use and she says:

“You promised, you promised you wouldn’t go back to this….I can’t go through this with you again, I dont have it in me!” –WOW, SPENCER’S MOM?!  She is giving up on her daughter?!? Like 10000%  She’s saying she’s done trying. Maybe that’s why Spencer is so messed up, her own mother quits after 2 attempts at actual parenting. 

Maybe, just maybe, Spencer isn’t the worst, maybe she’s just a by product of absentee parents who just don’t love her enough.

EZRA IS A

I’m actual really disturbed by Ezra being A. This show is no longer fun fodder but it’s the dark twisted tale of a sociopathic child molester and it makes me mad!

It kind of makes sense that Ezra CAN be A because he comes form a family of millionaires so he has the money. And a man who would do this MUST be a lunatic

AND ALLISON IS ALIVE AS REDCOAT!!!!!!

But they never explain what the NET club is….

I also CANNOT handle how everything in RaveSwood is sepia toned! Is that whole show going to be like that?!

I love how this show all along was about a child molester obsessed with a gaggle of girls.

The episode doesn’t explain a whole lot because they still want us to watch the show, so there are still some plot holes.

But the moral of the story kiddies is, DONT TRUST A 25 YEAR OLD MAN WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH A 16 YEAR OLD. I hope that’s your take away!

Pretty Little Liars-Crash and Burn, Girl!

“It’s time to bust out the big guns-cake frosting and a spoon“-That is by SMARTEST thing Spencer has ever said on the show. Ever.

OHHHH Caleb and Toby are plotting TOGETHER, AGAINST A! I like this duo!  I know Toby finished high school but what about Caleb??! Doesn’t he have high school and a biological mom to tend to?!

I just realized that they keep saying RavenSwood, I assumed it was Ravenwood!  I wonder if that’s like a Harry Potter trademark issue thingy…bah, who are we kidding, they probably wouldn’t even notice, it was probably a typo and the writers of the show just went with it.

WAIT. Aria’s bother was a no-show between season 1 and now, and NOW the writers are trying to make him an ACTUAL character worth caring about?! Oh heeellll no! I already don’t care about Spencer, and she has been through a lot more!

Hannah is paying all the bills while her mom is in jail! That makes no sense! If she is a minor then shouldn’t her dad or some court appointed guardian be sent to stay with her??!!?!  WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?!?!!?

Wait what kind of town is Rosewood that involuntary manslaughter gets you at least 20 years?!?!?!!!!  That’s BEYOND excessive!  THAT’S UNCONSTITUTIONAL! dkjhgsdkfgdkjshgkdfhg! MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE NONSENSE!

Ok, so Emily, Aria and Spencer broke into Wilden’s apartment and AFTER breaking in they put on gloves to prevent prints? AFTER breaking in?! THIS IS WHY THEY NEED THEIR HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATIONS!

So in Wilden’s apartment the girls have found his movie collection! “Yeah if you consider Lord of the G-Strings a classic!” (YES, that is a real movie! HA!)

I’m confused, are Caleb and Toby roughing up a guy who works at a plane hangar? And this guy is the only person who works here and there is no security? YEAH RIGHT! We live in a post-911 world, there is NO WAY an airport hangar has ZERO security! Nice try PLL, but I’m not letting this one go!

Wait, is Ezra trying to bribe the principal of the school because the principal asked Aria about her brother’s medical history?  HOW is that bribe-able information!?!?!

Why would CeCe want Toby’s mom’s records?!!?!?

Oh EMILY stole Wilden’s keys from her mom’s work at the police station and NOW her mom got suspended for “losing” the key! Tsk tsk tsk Emily, losing the scholarship, having Family Services at the house and now your mama getting suspended? You’re really giving Spencer a run for her money for being the WORST!

Ohhh because Detective Wilden is dead the show wrote in a new “rape eyes” character:

If those eyes don’t scream rape, I don’t know what eyes do!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-S03 E22-Will the Circle Be Unbroken?

WAIT, the episode opens with no one knowing where Spencer disappeared! Melissa says “You’re her friends!” In a VERY judgy tone for someone who has tried to kill their sister….Although Spencer DID steal all of Melissa’s boyfriends and fiancees so she DID kind of have it coming.

Spencer is in Radley as a Jane Doe. She’s speaking but won’t tell them who she is. She keeps smirking, ugh, it’s so annoying!  STOP SMIRKING, SPENCER, YOU DON’T POSSESS ANY SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE OTHER THAN YOUR IDENTITY!

Now Spencer is “playing cards” (looking though a deck of cards) in her room at Radley and comes across the Joker and stares at it knowingly. SPENCER, I know in your min you are a hipster-emo girl whom no one understand except for the Joker, but stop giving knowing glances to inanimate objects.

Spencer is in the common room of Radley when her Rosewood psychiatrist comes up behind her.  Spencer turns around and says “Olly Olly Oxen Free.”  

A hide-and-seek reference, Spencer? C’mon! Aren’t you tired of playing mysterious?  Isn’t it exhausting? Don’t you want to go back to being a know it all?  Am I tired of asking rhetorical questions?

OMG, mother-daughter eating disorders!  Hannah’s mom says “I just want a pretzel” while biting into a carrot.  Hannah looks at her mother disdainfully and says “just put some salt on it”.  I want this show to portray ONE HEALTHY PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP! JUST ONE, ABC FAMILY! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!

DETECTIVE WILDEN IS ALIVE!!

“All this time I thought you were being cruel…I didn’t know it’s because you’re unwell.” Spencer’s sister is NOT convincing me that she is innocent….

The doctors at Radley are giving Spencer “shot gun” antibiotics.  Hmmm, shoddy research PLL writing staff….shot-gun antibiotics are not recommended because that helps create the antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria!

“Somewhere in the past I had an ancestor with a flock up some mountain” -A Radley orderly named “Eddie Lamb”.  Now, I may be socially awkward but people don’t typically describe the origin of their name on first meeting someone, right??  I know the writers want to let us know his character is important but couldn’t they find a better way?? “SOMEWHERE IN the past AN ANCESTOR had a flock UP some mountain”???  So his name comes from ONE family member who didn’t understand how to raise sheep??  Cute.

“She’s not allowed visitors because they’re doing some sort of evaluation”–I can say this with authority because a psychiatrist is sitting next to me, THERE IS NO SITUATION where a psych patient’s friends wouldn’t be able to visit during visiting hours, unless they’re smuggling drugs or something.  So either the writers didn’t consult any real psychiatric professionals OR Hannah tried to smuggle meth. One of the two.  Let’s see how this plays out.

Meth. It’s meth.

Jk.

Spencer’s psychiatrist is talking about her patient, SPENCER, to Spencer’s friends….THAT VIOLATES HIPPA! THAT IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

“He’s a good teacher” Aria’s mom says about Ezra. WHAT. THE. FUCK. THIS MAN TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOUR 15-YEAR OLD CHILD! HE IS NOT A GOOD TEACHER IN ANY WAY!

A REAL Olympic Gold medalist is on PLL!!!! Missy Franklin!

This orderly is being all kinds of inappropriate with Spencer! Telling her confidential stuff, then asking her why she didn’t eat her pudding and THEN saying “Delayed gratification…shows patience”……DOES HE MEAN THE TAPIOCA PUDDING OR THE ONE BETWEEN SPENCER’S LEGS?!?!

Of all the rooms in Radley, Spencer is in the one MONA WAS IN?!?! Radley looks like a big building….AND THE DESK STILL HAS MONA’S ETCHINGS ON IT!

This place needs to be upgraded:

“There’s things about this situation that I haven’t been able to explain to her” Ezra says. Why hasn’t he been able to explain it to her? BECAUSE SHE IS STILL ON THE 5th GRADE READING LEVEL?!?! BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD?!?! OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!

OMG EZRA AND ARIA’S DAD ARE BONDING AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR COMMONALITIES–HAVING CHILDREN! EWWWWW!!!!!

Why is this former marine who is an order worried about his job security now telling Spencer CONFIDENTIAL SHIT?! YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB, MARINE!

WHAT. IS. ARIA. WEARING??!?! Does she now work the street corners?!

Aria is called into the principal’s office!!  The school is being responsible!! Ezra applied to be teacher in her district and the principal wants to make sure that there were no inappropriate things going on!  YAY! AN ADULT BEING RESPONSIBLE ON THIS SHOW!!!!

WAIT, SPENCER ISNT ALLOWED VISITORS but MONA CAN VISIT HER?!?! AND WITH A BOX OF TREATS WHICH COULD ALSO BE METH?! What kind of operation is Radley running?! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

And Spencer is in this “common room” so what would stop someone from saying they are visiting another patient and then just seeing her?

“If I killed [Toby], why would I want to talk to you?”  This sounds familiar….

“You’re not crazy, you’re as sane as I am” Mona says to Spencer. That’s as comforting as a wet willy….unless you’re into that, in which case, find another simile.

“All I want from you and your mother is that car” Detective Wilden said, his eyes as rapey as they have ever been.

Spencer’s monologue at the end is actually pretty heart breaking. BUT ALSO CONFUSING!  Spencer is hallucinating I think?

And the episode ends with “A” looking at what? Comic books? In an RV?? These glimpses into “A” reveal nothing except if A is not a peer, he/she is most certainly a pedophile.

Pretty Little Liars-Season 3 Episode 14-What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

–“She doesn’t have the flu, she doesn’t need rag mags and junk food“- Hannah.

I’m not sure what kind of doctor Hannah has, but when you have the flu, junk food is NOT recommended. Rag mags, on the other hand, are ALWAYS good, even without the flu.

-A left Spencer a subtle message…..I’m being super sarcastic guys, this was her message, I hate your sunglasses:

-OMG, ew ew ew, gross, sickly, sad, no make up Spencer is trying to seduce her classmate with strip-world-history-trivia.

NOTHING about that sentence is sexy. Except trivia.

-Caleb’s uncle-dad, let’s call him Duncle, has a fading southern accent that comes and goes, and sometimes sounds Scottish….I am not buying what he is selling. And the whole martyr thing is SO off-putting! “Caleb is better off thinking I’m his crazy uncle”–Ugh, get over it, you didn’t want to have him and your girlfriend wouldn’t get an abortion. The end. You aren’t a hero.

–“You don’t have a monopoly on pain, Spencer”-This quote isn’t funny, I just really like it and I agree with Emily.

-“Get good with this, Emily, because this IS the new me!”-Oh Spencer, no. Is that your attempt at “urban” vernacular? Leave it to Spencer to think poor grammar is automatically tougher.

-MELISSA AND WREN ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSS!!!!

-CC is SO WEIRD! She is offering minors wine and she was all about helping a pregnant 15-year old Allison……she is allegedly an adult professional, so why on Kabbalah-Monster is she doing this? Isn’t this a crime? AREN’T I IN LAW SCHOOL? WHY AM I ASKING RHETORICAL QUESTIONS?!?!!

-Why is Spencer acting all drunk and stupid after a 2 hour road trip with Wren? She is sober. This is weird. She attempted to make a sexual innuendo about Wren, saying, “He gives good intervention”

SPENCER, NO. STOP.

-OMG CAT FIGHT! SPENCER JUMPS MONA!

Ugh that ended as soon as it stopped, not worth starting if it doesn’t end in bloodshed.

-OH Wilden, that creepy detective/cop (you know, the one Hannah’s mom boned while making eye contact aith Hannah) had sex with a then-14 year old Allison!! EW!

-CC is making up weird lies about her car being towed while being in her car…..what is she brewing in her drama-teapot?

-Ok, not to be corny, bu I love Caleb and I love Hannah and Caleb even more. I am not being sarcastic and I am not speaking pejoratively about their teen love, I just think they are adorable together, OK? STOP JUDGING ME!!!!!!!!

-Allison’s brother and Emily are in an elevator and the elevator starts changing floors.

“Should I call?” Emily asks, indicating the red-emergency button all elevators have.

“Sure, but I don’t know who’s gonna answer on a Friday night!” Allison’s brother says. Won’t someone answer as long as the building is open? If the building is open, then the elevator operator is on duty, right??

-OMG ARIA AND WESLEY KISSS! FINALLY! AN AGE APPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-So Emily is about to jump out of the elevator onto the next floor below her and……GUYS I THINK JASON JUST DIED! THE ELEVATOR JUST DROPPED LIKE 30FLOORS!

-WAIT, JASON JUST FELL IN AN ELEVATOR!!!!! Wouldn’t that kind of fall KILL you??

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episodes 17+18

So my counting was off (hey, I’m in LAW school not MATH school), so my last blog numbering was aalll off.

Sorry for the hiatus, I was sick and then out of town but I am BACK and we have SO MUCH to discuss!

Episode 17-Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno

So last episode Meredith tried to KILL ARIA.

This episode, Aria’s dad calls Meredith’s father, who says his daughter might be “off her meds”–I consulted a REAL MEDICAL PSYCHIATRIST (ok, fine, my older sister, but she IS a psychiatrist, I just didn’t formally consult her….) and there is no medication that can change that level of CRAZY PSYCHO SCHEMING DRUGGING into an ordinary blonde.

There just isn’t, otherwise Heidi Montag would’ve taken it years ago (that reference might date me to my younger readers who comprise most of my readership).

Further disturbing about this ENTIRE relationship (besides the fact that Hillary Swank didn’t thank Chad Lowe when winning her Oscar) is that THEY AREN’T PRESSING CHARGES.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Ezra breaks up with Aria because of the whole Alex Mack (again, dating myself) hiding his 8 year old son.

Best part: he confronts Aria at her high school….where he left….because he was dating a then (and now??) 16 year old her…..

Wanna know what’s cray? If Aria and Ezra got married where the show is RIGHT NOW, frozen in time:

1. Ezra would need her parents permission because she is 16 because we have YET TO SEE any of the 4 protagonists celebrate a birthday beyond sweet 16.

2. Aria would be a stepmom to an 8-year old at 16.

-So apparently A sent Spencer the text from Aria….so how exactly, logistically speaking, did A do this? I mean I guess this isn’t TOTALLY crazy given the plot lines this show has tried to sell us before….ugh I don’t even care anymore…..I’m going to continue suspending my reality here….

OMG GUYS—in this episode, we find out Allison was PREGNANT at the time of her death. So, she died at 15 meaning she probably got pregnant at 14. WHERE did this 14 year old girl have time to have sex outside of all of her scheming, bribing, disguising, and stealing?????

–>THIS begs the question, WHERE WERE HER PARENTS?!

This show is turning out to be a cautionary tale to the viewers–if you have premarital sex, you WILL DIE!!

“Maybe if we stopped telling lies, A wouldnt have anything against us” –DAYUMMN SPENCER, wisdom-bomb!

BUT then Spencer fails because she is on her phone using 3G.  Who uses 3G anymore?  Does she also have a flip phone?? (unnecessarily dramatic eyeroll)

Honestly, though, Spencer displays some serious acting chops in this episode and I am impressed.

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Episode 18- Dead to Me

-So, Allison’s body is going to be reburied in this mausoleum. I honestly have no idea why. They very well might have explained it for some hare-brained reason like A has a key to her crypt-keeper’s house and is threatening to stab his kids unless he makes a public scene to re-internment her. Who knows.

-Hannah has a GREAT IDEA to STEAL ITEMS from Allison’s coffin. Aria’s skeptical, although I am not sure why (click that link, the story is bananaramas!)

-Ezra’s brother, Wesley, is BACK! Again, I smell lust.

-Soooo, Caleb’s uncle just got weird and implied with a dramatic picture that Caleb is his child. He does this with a printed, SEPIA TONE picture that’s frayed at the edges. —

EVEN IF Caleb is 18, that picture is from 1995 at the LATEST–WE HAD COLOR PICTURES BACK THEN! NO ONE OPTED FOR SEPIA TONED BECAUSE WE WERE SO EXCITED NOT TO HAVE IT! It makes NO SENSE for that picture to be sepia toned! AT ALL. UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Wesley and Aria hang out and while out, a man approaches in a tweed jacket and threatens to “bounce your head off the curb“–No guy in tweed says “bounce your head”. Ever. Ok, ABC Family? Tweed-wearers are not THUG, HIP, or TOUGH. ESPECIALLY Tweed with elbow patches, which are the antithesis of thug, hip or tough.

Back at Ezra’s place, Wesley tells Aria that his and Ezra’s mom hates Aria because she is “unexpected”–He says this romantically.

-The thing is, Aria is “unexpected” because Ezra’s mother genuinely did not know how STUPID her son was to have sex with a 15 year old girl and then take her around town CALLING her his girlfriend, losing a job over it and CONTINUING to date her. She clearly never met Mary Kay Letourneu and Villi Fulauu, nor did she read their relationship advice book.

We end this episode with Spencer stopping at the grave (in the mausoleum) of Marion Cavannaugh. She scratches “TOBY” into the marble.

What was that supposed to prove? We know that’s Toby’s last name. What does ruining marble do?

Also, that is NOT REAL MARBLE if it is so easily DENTED, FYI. That’s just a good fact for you readers to possess. In case someone gives you the gift of marble.

Pretty Little Liars-Season 3 Episode 15–MONA MANIA

“I have enough daddy issues of my own, I can’t deal with having issues about [Aria’s], too.”–Hana is BY FAR the most emotionally evolved character on this show.

BTW these girls are i the school, at night, alone.

1. Where are their parents?

2. Why isn’t the school locked?

3. Why does the janitor have Allison’s stuff? Isn’t that indicative of a larger crime, like rape or murder?

After the theme song, we open to the girls in the coffee shop talking about their

“Brand Langfield got into an accident, he’s gonna need physical therapy. On a very grim upside, I am running unopposed”–SPENCER, STOP SAYING THINGS. FOREVER. WHO the fuck ADMITS that they are happy about an opponent’s injuries? Even if you feel it, lie like the rest of us! Sheesh!

Lucas keeps eerily staring around corners and eyeing people suspiciously…..it’s kind of hot……

“No one is sipping her kookoo juice!”-Hana’s lines are classic. This one is referring to believing that Mona is cured.

Emily and Paige are still going strong? Peck on the lips you say? Why yes! And Paige decided to grab her look straight from Tiger Beat 1992 edition, complete with a denim shirt and french braid.

“Put on your Hastings-Face and spank her like I know you can“–Some guy says to Spencer. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Now, to be fair, I tuned out for a minute because it appeared as though there was clerical team meeting stuff being done, but on rewind I discovered that Spencer is running for some sort of student organization leadership position, against Mona. Knowing that, I still don’t understand why the guy used the word SPANK.

Aria hid things in a boot and her dad stands eerily in her doorway saying “That’s quite the mess you’re making….Remember when Michael used to raid your halloween candy? You used to stash it in your boots, I thought that was so clever, he never used to look in there”.

This comment is disturbing for the following reasons:

1. Aria hid CANDY in something her foot festered and sweated in.

2. Her dad knew that her candy was in there so HE probably also ate her sweaty-foot-candy

3. Her dad thought his daughter was clever for hiding candy from her sibling? That does not reflect well on his skills as a Professor.

4. Finally: WHO IS MICHAEL????? OH YEAH, ARIA HAS A FUCKING BROTHER THAT THEY TRIED TO PHASE OUT, like the youngest sister in Family Matters! But now they are phasing him in again??? I’m so confused!

WHOA, dots are connecting! Toby trying to hit a pedestrian in the opening of last week was Toby trying to hit Lucas! BUT Lucas thinks Mona did it! He said “some SUV”. But these kids are in high school, right? So aren’t their resources limited?? They can’t just “get” SUVs whenever, wherever.

Aria’s dad DID go through her stuff and take her shit! Meredith is uncovering layers of this rotten onion and the inside is a….ugh I am tired of my own metaphor, you get the picture.

There is some sort of knowledge/trivia between Mona and Spencer. They are being tested on English History (Portuguese wife of King Charles), US History (Battle of Petticoats), Catholic Monarchs and General Chemistry (Helium?!)–>; WHAT HIGH SCHOOL CLUB HAD THIS INTENSE OF A COMPETITION TO BE PRESIDENT?!

None, is the answer. You lose this round………Sorry, I got into the spirit of beating someone intellectually.

WHOA, WAIT. Spencer has gotten almost all of the questions right, but if she gets this last question wrong, she LOSES and MONA wins if she gets this ONE question right?!?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!!!!!!

Meredith and Aria are BFFL??!!?! Meredith makes her tea, and a teabag is dangling from the mug. Aria takes a sip suspiciously and Meredith says, “It’s my powerhouse potion. Purely herbal”.

Guys. 1. THERE IS A TEA BAG HANGING FROM THAT MUG. THE JIG IS UP! IT’S NOT YOUR OWN CONCOCTION. 2. “Purely herbal”=roofies, right??

;

UPDATE:spencer and Mona are competing for academic decathlon, that’s why they cover EVERY topic!