Pretty Little Liars: Thrown from the Ride

Hannah put black streaks in her hair? It looks kind of like cruella deville, right?

Wait weren’t the police called to the scene of shaunas death? Then why did Mona say she was transferred back to georgia? I’m confused (which should be the title of this show)

OMG is this guy playing Allison’s dad acting for the first time?!! He’s the worst! He’s acting like he’s talking to a 9 month old. Do you think the director is in the sidelines shouting at him “She’s 17! She’s not a newborn baby! Speak to her like a normal human being!”

Spencer’s parents are totes getting a divorce dude. Spencer’s mom slept on the couch.

“How much longer is our yard going to be a crime scene?!” #richpeopleproblems #rosewoodproblems

Who is this new swimmer girl? STFU new girl!

Ohhhh Emily ignored Allison’s call! Character development!

Mona is just STARING at the girls like a psychopath! By the way, this happens throughout the entire episode, nonstop.

“You need to take a psychological selfie”–Kids say the darndest things! AHAAHAHAH….no but really, is that how teenagers talk? Ugh.

Allison just signed her text to Emily as “-Allison”-

isn’t this supposed to be a girl in 2014? The only other people I know do that are my parents for whom English is the second language. So unless Allison’s character is now a 62 year old Persian man, I’m not buying it.

OH wait Allison’s dad is implying that she was raped! How is a wholesome family network like ABC Family going to tackle that? I hope better than they did the statutory rape story line……

Oh shaunas last name is Fring? Like GUSTAVO FRING FROM BREAKING BAD?!! CROSSOVER SHOWS! SPINOFF!

WAIT THERE’s A VIDEO FROM SHAUNAS FUNERAL?!! WHO POSTS VIDEOS OF FUNERALS?!!! IS THIS A THING NOW?! SOMEONE EXPLAIN!!!!

Paige is wearing a tank top and dang girl is FIT! Dem guns look great, git gurl!

There’s a tin of rat poison in the garage with the receipt conveniently taped to the side. The implication is gonna be that Allison’s mom was killed with the poison and oh my thank goodness the receipt is taped on the side so they can trace who bought it back to….my guess is Spencer’s dad!

“You have quite powerful lungs my lady!” Her doctor is gonna murder her, right? He’s gauging how to suppress the scream from those lungs, right? Right.

“Scoot down at the end of the table so I can take a better look at it.”  IS HE TALKING ABOUT HER PELVIC EXAM???

Oh wait he’s not, just a cut on her knee.  But still, this doctor sounds so creepy!!!!

“Hannah once you know something, you can’t unknown it….”–Spoken like a true teenager and not the 62 year old Persian man I was beginning to suspect you were.

Why does Spencer need to google if rat poison kills? Isn’t that pretty obvious??

Mona is my new favorite character, I think.

I feel like people don’t post videos of funerals for this EXACT REASON, because people on the internet get creepy and will just watch your loved ones in a casket on repeat like Aria.

What’s Ezra’s role in a of this? Are we cool with him now? But didn’t he pretended to not know who aria was at a restaurant when he had sex with her, even though he KNEW she was 15? So even though he’s not A, he’s still creepy as fuck right?! RIGHT?!!

Oh no! Hannah is going back to her Mona-stealing ways!!!!

Spencer cuts herself on a knife and I almost expect the boy to start foaming at the mouth and looking torn….I think I’m conflating vampire diaries with this show….

Allison shows Emily a child’s pink polka dot backpack and says with pride “my dad got it for me!”

Again, Allison’s dad not understanding that she’s not a child who needs a Lisa Frank backpack (but for real, Lisa Frank was the shit.)

Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Pretty Little Liars: Whirly Girlie

“Ali-are we in agreement?”-Spencer needs to friggin’ tone it down. Is she trying to get verbal confirmation, like she’s gonna enforce any of this if (when) Ali lies?

“I know who you are”-Detective BlahBlahWhoCares says. Yeah cause hes’ probably using her pictures as porn. DON’T JUDGE ME! THIS SHOW MADE ME THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A MONSTER—IT IS!

“Mom, she just wants to move on, okay? Yes, it was a nightmare but we need it to end!”-Why are these girls SO ANNOYED that their moms have questions about them running away and finding their friend who’s been dead and buried for 2 years? Like is it SO SHOCKING that you parents questioned your disappearance? Or your dead friend?

“Is Allison alive and in her house?”-Aria’s brother asks a VERY specific question–the kind of question that makes me think he wants to know for a specific reason, like, to stab her….at her house….

“We’re back in planet Allison…why is she still controlling us?”-Ohhhhhh methinks Spencer liked being the one in control…..

SO Spencer’s neighbor throws a roll of toilet paper out the window with a message to the girls on it. They act so scared and surprised and ask “who sent this?!” and their neighbor draws a question mark on the window in response.  The window has a LOT of condensation inside, by the way.  BUT ANYWAYS, I DIGRESS–> When the neighbor shut the door they act like all hope is lost.  Cant they knock on their neighbor’s door and ask again in the morning? That wasn’t a phantom neighbor, was it?

So Aria is woken up by a violin playing something Shauna used to play or something else stupid.  But here’s my thing–why doesn’t anyone else notice this? Why don’t her neighbors complain about the noise? Wouldn’t the HOA put a stop to this?

Why is Jason so angry?????  He watched Allison SLEEP?!?! Dude, again, maybe I’m watching Game of Thrones but is he gonna like….try to marry her?  Also, why doesn’t she tell her dad about this? He seems legit.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why is Toby’s hair slicked back??!

“I have to go home and change my underwear!”– The reason Hannah is the best character!

I don’t know if it’s the combination of his slicked back hair and pale skin, but I THINK, I’m not sure, but I THINK Toby is a vampire. 

“I don’t have to hide. You do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”-So I get that Mona saying this is supposed to be a threat BUUUUUUT when you say that without a disguise and walk away, then can’t Allison turn around and call the cops?  Then the cops can deal with Mona’s threats and Allison doesn’t have to keep trying to act like a girl who is scared (she keeps blinking and fluttering her eyelashes as though THAT is what is going to convey to the viewer that she is afraid, not the ominous music).

MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER FINDS ALLISON’S DEAD MOM! Oh yeah, Ali’s mom is dead, y’all.

Here’s the new hero and my current favorite character, Pepe:

 

 

Pretty Little Liars S03 E24-A Dangerous gAme

Get the title of the episode? gAme? Emphasis on A? Ha! Clever, PLL writers!

Spencer saunters down the stairs where her friends are awaiting her “return to society.”  All prim and proper and wearing a dress with a dropped waist that flairs, Spencer exudes her usual obnoxiousness…but wait, what is this I smell? Could it be? Deviousness? The real question is, DOES Spencer have it in her to play double Agent (see what I did there? A pun?)??

“You know what they say about hope, right? Breeds eternal misery”– WHO, Spencer, WHO says that? Hmmm??  She then goes on to explain the difference between a crumpet and an english muffin…..

“You seem like you’re back to yourself”- A clearly naive and delusional Emily says.  Did Emily not witness Spencer’s molestation of the banister on her way down the stairs as she creepily said cryptic things that made no sense.

Mona enters the trailer of what I am assuming to be a psychotic A who hasn’t learned about DropBox yet because he has gone through the effort to PRINT pictures and put them on REAL bulletin boards in the trailer. PRINTED PICTURES! Not on a cloud drive or a digital picture frame!

“If it’s water, it’s wet” says an observant, detail-oriented Shauna.

Ezra is in the high school! IN SUPER SKINNY JEANS AND A SKINNY TIE!  He has decided to become (gasp) A HIPSTER!

“So Malcom is 7, what’s he into? Fast cars and fast girls?” Hannah jokes while interviewing to be EZRA’S BABYSITTER.  I love Hannah so much.

“Honestly, I haven’t babysat since I was like 15″ Hannah says.  Issues with this sentence: 1. 15 was like, yesterday for her so barring brain damage, I certainly hope she remembers the basics. 2. That’s not something you say on a job interview!  

GAH! SHE MADE A CUTESY NOISE! AHHHH!

Jenna, ex-blindy, is back!!!!!!! Jenna is GOING BLIND? AND DATING SHAUNA???? “On your darkest days, I will be here for you” Shauna tells her.

GUYS! ARIA AND EZRA BROKE UP!  Dude, Aria had to use a tear-stick (http://www.kryolan.com/en/index.php?cid=116&mnu=31&id=608&pageid=1) because NOTHING ELSE on her face showed sadness other than the 3 lone tears that streaked down her face.

TOBY IS ALIVE!

#tobyisalive is now trending on twitter, ROFL!

“You let me believe that you were dead!” Spencer sobs in a cheap diner to a remorseful Toby.

“What we had was real. I was pretending to work with Mona to keep you safe….I need you to follow me” Toby tells Spencer. Girl, have you seen ANY LIFETIME MOVIE?!  You WILL get raped by your cyber-husband.

OMG OMG OMG OMG SPENCER WAS THE BETRAYER! SHE IS THE ONE WHO KIDNAPPED MALCOLM LAST WEEK! BLARG!  HAVENT I SAID IT FROM THE BEGINNING?!  SPENCER IS THE WORST!

Melissa goes to Jenna’s to hang with her and Shauna! Dude, Spencer is totes the worst and whatever Melissa had planned for her, she had coming.

Spencer’s new “bad self” has (gasp!) straightened hair and dark eyeliner on.   OMG AND she’s wearing black nail polish???? This is what I thought was a bad-ass look when I was like 12, black nail polish. Depending on how old Spencer is (again, ages aren’t clarified on this show, nor are they really important), she is being dumb. For real.

Ugh, now they are calling people who work with A, the “A-Team”? Oh boy.

How is A always outside of everyone’s windows at night and can hear everything everyone says?  I mean, if this was real life, which it clearly is not, couldn’t they get a restraining order against this person for STALKING A BUNCH OF MINORS?!! This shit is creepy!

OMG to have the sex, Spencer comes out in a mid-thigh length XXXL t-shirt. So she and Toby are hot and heavy and then she excuses herself to wear a $2 shirt from the CVS down the corner??? AND THEN THEY HOLD HANDS AFTERWARDS?!  THEY (BARF) MADE LOVE. OMG SO GROSS.  DRY HEAVING.

Aria is standing by a window staring dramatically out of the panes as the sun shines around her.  Ezra dramatically tells her that he is taking the job.

WE HAVE INDICATION OF AGE!!!! EZRA SAYS “You graduate in 7 months”!!!!!!!  SO THEY ARE LIKE 17! OMG! AGE! TIME! If they have a May graduation then we are currently in PLL November, Plovember if you will.

Aria breaks up with Ezra by the window and dramatically kisses him IN THE HALLS OF THE HIGH SCHOOL WHERE SHE IS BREAKING UP WITH HIM SO THAT HE CAN KEEP HIS JOB AT SAID HIGH SCHOOL.

Spencer revealed some diabolical plan that must have involved some mind reading and magic, as much on this show would require.

Ezra is back as their teacher!  FULL CIRCLE!  Ezra teaching and Aria as a student, just like in their sex games.  And the pilot episode.

“And we’ll figure out why Ernest Hemingway said, ‘all things truly wicked come from innocence'”–OH REALLY EZRA?!?!? LIKE HAVING SEX WITH BABIES?!  WICKED RAPE STARTS FROM THE INNOCENCE OF BABIES! YOU RAPED ARIA!  RAPIST!!!! —Readers, I’m not sure if you gathered this or not but I am against minors having sex with their teachers.  Just in case you couldn’t tell. I’m against rape.

Ohhhh the girls, 3 full seasons and presumably 3 years later, the girls have trapped Mona and potentially tricked A! WE WILL SEE AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL!

Oh wait, A is a billionaire who, what, OWNS A PRIVATE PLANE?!  She is performing a special landing? WHAT. THE. FUCK.  A is clearly a billionaire who is bored and  decided to  fuck with some kids as some weird revenge on his high school bullies’ children.

“She’s everywhere and knows everything” Mona screams.  This just reinforces my theory about the bored billionaire.

ALLISON IS ALIVE (gasped no one).  Guys, Allison clearly had an identical twin.  One of them died and the other one is “Red Coat.”  BUT that does not mean that “Red Coat”=A.

“She was wearing a mask…she looked JUST. LIKE. ALLI.”   

Mona says dramatically.  Wait, so she was wearing a mask BUT she looked like Alli somehow???  OR OR was it a MASK of Alli’s face?  Who would go so far as to  pay someone to create masks of a 14-year old DEAD girl’s face.

AND MORE HOLES IN THE STORY LINE! MORE HOLES!  Detective Rapey’s car was dragged out of the river and put in the road.  Somehow the car is on, the computer inside is working and so are the lights.  AGAIN, my BILLIONAIRE THEORY!  I mean, they need someone with a disposable income who can pay for all this shit right?

OK, this “finale” ended with a hand sticking out of a grave and a ANOTHER hand reaching forward to presumably help the person in a “grave” out.

AAAANNNND the girls open the trunk of the detective’s car and collectively gasp.

Groan.  This show started off as BAD and is getting WORSE AND WORSE. Between the holes in the story lines and the underaged sex, this show is the absolute WORST!  Soooo, I’m pretty pumped for the premiere in whatever season they choose to bring it to us!

BUT, don’t worry, this finale doesn’t mean that I won’t blog about other asinine things that don’t matter! I will here, because, well, what else am I going to do? HAHAHAHAHAH….(sobs) hhahahaa???

Pretty Little Liars-S03 E22-Will the Circle Be Unbroken?

WAIT, the episode opens with no one knowing where Spencer disappeared! Melissa says “You’re her friends!” In a VERY judgy tone for someone who has tried to kill their sister….Although Spencer DID steal all of Melissa’s boyfriends and fiancees so she DID kind of have it coming.

Spencer is in Radley as a Jane Doe. She’s speaking but won’t tell them who she is. She keeps smirking, ugh, it’s so annoying!  STOP SMIRKING, SPENCER, YOU DON’T POSSESS ANY SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE OTHER THAN YOUR IDENTITY!

Now Spencer is “playing cards” (looking though a deck of cards) in her room at Radley and comes across the Joker and stares at it knowingly. SPENCER, I know in your min you are a hipster-emo girl whom no one understand except for the Joker, but stop giving knowing glances to inanimate objects.

Spencer is in the common room of Radley when her Rosewood psychiatrist comes up behind her.  Spencer turns around and says “Olly Olly Oxen Free.”  

A hide-and-seek reference, Spencer? C’mon! Aren’t you tired of playing mysterious?  Isn’t it exhausting? Don’t you want to go back to being a know it all?  Am I tired of asking rhetorical questions?

OMG, mother-daughter eating disorders!  Hannah’s mom says “I just want a pretzel” while biting into a carrot.  Hannah looks at her mother disdainfully and says “just put some salt on it”.  I want this show to portray ONE HEALTHY PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP! JUST ONE, ABC FAMILY! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!

DETECTIVE WILDEN IS ALIVE!!

“All this time I thought you were being cruel…I didn’t know it’s because you’re unwell.” Spencer’s sister is NOT convincing me that she is innocent….

The doctors at Radley are giving Spencer “shot gun” antibiotics.  Hmmm, shoddy research PLL writing staff….shot-gun antibiotics are not recommended because that helps create the antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria!

“Somewhere in the past I had an ancestor with a flock up some mountain” -A Radley orderly named “Eddie Lamb”.  Now, I may be socially awkward but people don’t typically describe the origin of their name on first meeting someone, right??  I know the writers want to let us know his character is important but couldn’t they find a better way?? “SOMEWHERE IN the past AN ANCESTOR had a flock UP some mountain”???  So his name comes from ONE family member who didn’t understand how to raise sheep??  Cute.

“She’s not allowed visitors because they’re doing some sort of evaluation”–I can say this with authority because a psychiatrist is sitting next to me, THERE IS NO SITUATION where a psych patient’s friends wouldn’t be able to visit during visiting hours, unless they’re smuggling drugs or something.  So either the writers didn’t consult any real psychiatric professionals OR Hannah tried to smuggle meth. One of the two.  Let’s see how this plays out.

Meth. It’s meth.

Jk.

Spencer’s psychiatrist is talking about her patient, SPENCER, to Spencer’s friends….THAT VIOLATES HIPPA! THAT IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

“He’s a good teacher” Aria’s mom says about Ezra. WHAT. THE. FUCK. THIS MAN TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOUR 15-YEAR OLD CHILD! HE IS NOT A GOOD TEACHER IN ANY WAY!

A REAL Olympic Gold medalist is on PLL!!!! Missy Franklin!

This orderly is being all kinds of inappropriate with Spencer! Telling her confidential stuff, then asking her why she didn’t eat her pudding and THEN saying “Delayed gratification…shows patience”……DOES HE MEAN THE TAPIOCA PUDDING OR THE ONE BETWEEN SPENCER’S LEGS?!?!

Of all the rooms in Radley, Spencer is in the one MONA WAS IN?!?! Radley looks like a big building….AND THE DESK STILL HAS MONA’S ETCHINGS ON IT!

This place needs to be upgraded:

“There’s things about this situation that I haven’t been able to explain to her” Ezra says. Why hasn’t he been able to explain it to her? BECAUSE SHE IS STILL ON THE 5th GRADE READING LEVEL?!?! BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD?!?! OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!

OMG EZRA AND ARIA’S DAD ARE BONDING AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR COMMONALITIES–HAVING CHILDREN! EWWWWW!!!!!

Why is this former marine who is an order worried about his job security now telling Spencer CONFIDENTIAL SHIT?! YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB, MARINE!

WHAT. IS. ARIA. WEARING??!?! Does she now work the street corners?!

Aria is called into the principal’s office!!  The school is being responsible!! Ezra applied to be teacher in her district and the principal wants to make sure that there were no inappropriate things going on!  YAY! AN ADULT BEING RESPONSIBLE ON THIS SHOW!!!!

WAIT, SPENCER ISNT ALLOWED VISITORS but MONA CAN VISIT HER?!?! AND WITH A BOX OF TREATS WHICH COULD ALSO BE METH?! What kind of operation is Radley running?! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

And Spencer is in this “common room” so what would stop someone from saying they are visiting another patient and then just seeing her?

“If I killed [Toby], why would I want to talk to you?”  This sounds familiar….

“You’re not crazy, you’re as sane as I am” Mona says to Spencer. That’s as comforting as a wet willy….unless you’re into that, in which case, find another simile.

“All I want from you and your mother is that car” Detective Wilden said, his eyes as rapey as they have ever been.

Spencer’s monologue at the end is actually pretty heart breaking. BUT ALSO CONFUSING!  Spencer is hallucinating I think?

And the episode ends with “A” looking at what? Comic books? In an RV?? These glimpses into “A” reveal nothing except if A is not a peer, he/she is most certainly a pedophile.

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episodes 17+18

So my counting was off (hey, I’m in LAW school not MATH school), so my last blog numbering was aalll off.

Sorry for the hiatus, I was sick and then out of town but I am BACK and we have SO MUCH to discuss!

Episode 17-Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno

So last episode Meredith tried to KILL ARIA.

This episode, Aria’s dad calls Meredith’s father, who says his daughter might be “off her meds”–I consulted a REAL MEDICAL PSYCHIATRIST (ok, fine, my older sister, but she IS a psychiatrist, I just didn’t formally consult her….) and there is no medication that can change that level of CRAZY PSYCHO SCHEMING DRUGGING into an ordinary blonde.

There just isn’t, otherwise Heidi Montag would’ve taken it years ago (that reference might date me to my younger readers who comprise most of my readership).

Further disturbing about this ENTIRE relationship (besides the fact that Hillary Swank didn’t thank Chad Lowe when winning her Oscar) is that THEY AREN’T PRESSING CHARGES.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Ezra breaks up with Aria because of the whole Alex Mack (again, dating myself) hiding his 8 year old son.

Best part: he confronts Aria at her high school….where he left….because he was dating a then (and now??) 16 year old her…..

Wanna know what’s cray? If Aria and Ezra got married where the show is RIGHT NOW, frozen in time:

1. Ezra would need her parents permission because she is 16 because we have YET TO SEE any of the 4 protagonists celebrate a birthday beyond sweet 16.

2. Aria would be a stepmom to an 8-year old at 16.

-So apparently A sent Spencer the text from Aria….so how exactly, logistically speaking, did A do this? I mean I guess this isn’t TOTALLY crazy given the plot lines this show has tried to sell us before….ugh I don’t even care anymore…..I’m going to continue suspending my reality here….

OMG GUYS—in this episode, we find out Allison was PREGNANT at the time of her death. So, she died at 15 meaning she probably got pregnant at 14. WHERE did this 14 year old girl have time to have sex outside of all of her scheming, bribing, disguising, and stealing?????

–>THIS begs the question, WHERE WERE HER PARENTS?!

This show is turning out to be a cautionary tale to the viewers–if you have premarital sex, you WILL DIE!!

“Maybe if we stopped telling lies, A wouldnt have anything against us” –DAYUMMN SPENCER, wisdom-bomb!

BUT then Spencer fails because she is on her phone using 3G.  Who uses 3G anymore?  Does she also have a flip phone?? (unnecessarily dramatic eyeroll)

Honestly, though, Spencer displays some serious acting chops in this episode and I am impressed.

;

Episode 18- Dead to Me

-So, Allison’s body is going to be reburied in this mausoleum. I honestly have no idea why. They very well might have explained it for some hare-brained reason like A has a key to her crypt-keeper’s house and is threatening to stab his kids unless he makes a public scene to re-internment her. Who knows.

-Hannah has a GREAT IDEA to STEAL ITEMS from Allison’s coffin. Aria’s skeptical, although I am not sure why (click that link, the story is bananaramas!)

-Ezra’s brother, Wesley, is BACK! Again, I smell lust.

-Soooo, Caleb’s uncle just got weird and implied with a dramatic picture that Caleb is his child. He does this with a printed, SEPIA TONE picture that’s frayed at the edges. —

EVEN IF Caleb is 18, that picture is from 1995 at the LATEST–WE HAD COLOR PICTURES BACK THEN! NO ONE OPTED FOR SEPIA TONED BECAUSE WE WERE SO EXCITED NOT TO HAVE IT! It makes NO SENSE for that picture to be sepia toned! AT ALL. UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Wesley and Aria hang out and while out, a man approaches in a tweed jacket and threatens to “bounce your head off the curb“–No guy in tweed says “bounce your head”. Ever. Ok, ABC Family? Tweed-wearers are not THUG, HIP, or TOUGH. ESPECIALLY Tweed with elbow patches, which are the antithesis of thug, hip or tough.

Back at Ezra’s place, Wesley tells Aria that his and Ezra’s mom hates Aria because she is “unexpected”–He says this romantically.

-The thing is, Aria is “unexpected” because Ezra’s mother genuinely did not know how STUPID her son was to have sex with a 15 year old girl and then take her around town CALLING her his girlfriend, losing a job over it and CONTINUING to date her. She clearly never met Mary Kay Letourneu and Villi Fulauu, nor did she read their relationship advice book.

We end this episode with Spencer stopping at the grave (in the mausoleum) of Marion Cavannaugh. She scratches “TOBY” into the marble.

What was that supposed to prove? We know that’s Toby’s last name. What does ruining marble do?

Also, that is NOT REAL MARBLE if it is so easily DENTED, FYI. That’s just a good fact for you readers to possess. In case someone gives you the gift of marble.

Another Commercial I Love-Hate

I am going to refer to my love-hate as “lo-ha” to shorten things around here on SociallyLawkward.

SO another commercial I Lo-Ha? This pediasure commercial. Watch and then I shall explain:

Let me enumerate this so as to keep this stuff organized.

1 What bitch turns to another mom at a kids’ soccer game to PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY admonish her parenting?

“Well, kids ARE what they eat, hahaha….”

Hey, bitch, Judgy Wudgy was a bear who will clock you in your weasel-face.

2. DOES SHE KNOW WHAT SHE IS IMPLYING!  If Tyler looks a little slow, aka he is a bucket of fries, then he ate fries, yes?

IF ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE KIDS, THEN THAT IMPLIES THAT THEY ARE CANNIBALS EATING OTHER CHILDREN!

THINK ABOUT IT!

 

SO, in conclusion, if I fast forwarded commercials, I would miss lovely, cannibalism gems like this!

 

While I Was Gone

I apologize for my absence, but I am back! (Pretends to calm a nonexistent crowd)

So whilst I was gone (she said in a feigned English accent), THIS FUCKING HAPPENED:

YEAH BOO! THAT IS RETTA!

And guess what?

SHE IS FUCKING LOVELY AND KIND AND SWEET AND UNPRETENTIOUS!

And after she left she ran back JUST TO SAY GOODBYE TO ME!

Then, THIS SHIT HAPPENED:

She honestly needs to write a celebrity hand book–How to be Awesome to your Fans and not a Dick

Because she is fucking delightful.

So on my flight back, some crazy stuff happened.

I was flying from Vegas to Atlanta (home).  Right after take off  I had taken 1/2 a Xanax   because there was turbulence.

My thought was, “We are totally gonna get shaken baby syndrome in this plane”.
THEN this woman screams
“OH GOOOOD NOOOOOOOOO! HELP US! SOMEONE”
So, of course, I popped a WHOLE Xanax because I assumed, well, imagine what you would have assumed.

I wanted to die relaxed, of course.  Then I was high on the adrenaline of trying to figure out what was happening, all of this on 2.75 hrs of sleep.
Apparently, the guy was seizing and WOULD NOT STOP!  IT was super scary.  There were 2 doctors on board and 2 nurses, all helping him.

He was vomiting, seizing, over and over until we did an emergency landing in Albuquerque

Thankfully, the paramedics came and took him to the Albuquerque hospital.  I am going to assume that he is fine for purposes of this blog and so that I don’t get sad, k?

Cool.

I will resume my live coverage of Dawson’s Creek .

Just kidding, SPOILER ALERT, Dawson’s Creek is ended in 2003.

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 6

THIS IS THE LATEST EPISODE! WHAT SHOULD I WATCH AFTER THIS?!

1. Spencer keeps trying to get everyone at lunch to split cheese fries with her. SPENCER, GET OVER IT! EMILY WANTS HER OWN! UGH!

2. The church is having a dance! Hannah and Emily are going to hide behind to organ for the duration of the event.

That sounds like a sensible and subtle way to catch A.

3. “I wear three inches of I wear nothing”-Hannah’s got her priorities straight! I love this girl!

4. “What’s with you? You’re acting like a pod person”-Spencer says this to Aria when Aria looks sad.

REALLY!? That is how you ask your friend if she is okay? WHO DOES THAT?! SPENCER. ONLY SPENCER.

5. Hannah was caught crouching in the pews by the creepy cop who boned her mom. I was so sure that plan was going to work.

6. Ezra is totes hiding something from Aria. A shit ton of cash in a drawer.

Apparently Ezra sold a car to get some money, and he sold it cash so that the guy could “Get a tax break.” What does that mean?

Is that a thing? Have I been duped, paying tax on my cash purchases all of these years?!

7. ALSO UPSETTING: APPARENTLY EZRA IS SO BROKE THAT HE IS RE-USING COFFEE FILTERS.

DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?! COFFEE FILTERS LITERALLY COST A PENNY INDIVIDUALLY!

8. Ok, check out A’s glove-touch phone situation.  Have you ever tried to use your touch-phone with a glove on, let alone a LEATHER glove?!

Unless A is using one of those fancy gloves made for use with a smart phone.

Angered Tweens on Twitter

Ok, so my comments that Bianca Lawson at 33 should not play a 16 year old seems to have pissed off some tweens on twitter!