Pretty Little Liars-Through a Glass, Darkly

Is the title of this episode a reference to the 2006 Keanu Reeves’ movie A Scanner, Darkly?  Are we going to see a loss of identity, undercover cops?

The new episode starts with Mona’s funeral.  I am confused as to the leis….

OMG MONA’S MOM SLAPPED ALLI, SUPER HARD! OMG! I love it! Allison looks displeased….ruh roh guys, I smell trouble…..

Hannah is such an amazing girl. She’s doing Mona’s mom’s dishes and cleaning!  You know, Hannah is the moral compass, comedic relief and just best character on this show.

Mona’s mom hands Hannah a stuffed dog and says “Hannah…I want you to take care of this.”  Is Mona’s mom having some sort of psychotic break or is that dog stuffed with a hidden camera because she’s secretly a pervert that wants to watch Hannah change at home (seriously, with this show, anything is possible).

I’m sorry, Toby being a cop is comical!  He’s sitting here talking to Detective Liz Cruz (Nip/Tuck fans get that reference) and hypothesizing murder theories and she’s acting like he revealed some amazing information….really, as my mom would say about a young looking person “His breath still smells of breastmilk.” (meaning he’s a baby and looks like it…it sounds more legit in farsi, I swear!)

Aria was rejected from Oberlin…sad, the world just lost their next Lena Dunham!

Allison, “You don’t have to do that–run from me.”  Allison must be bonkers if she thinks the girls should trust her.  Should we go through the list of things she has done to lose trust (faking her own death, seducing a college student named Ezra, extorting adults for money, paying people off for confessions….she’s a real C U Next Tuesday, if ya get me).

Ohhh I forgot Aria’s brother was dating Mona!!!!! He has grown so much!

What is this creepy indoor mausoleum??! Is everyone in Rosewood buried there??  Why is the old lady sniffing the “grave”? WHY IS SHE SNIFFING IT?!

Old lady takes Mona’s stuffed toy and smiles “Little bunchy…that’s his name” Did I hear that right??

Spencer is begging Jason DiLaurentis for help, “I know she’s your sister, but so am I!”-Dang I keep forgetting these little tidbits like Spencer’s dad’s affair.

Wait is there a magical component of the mausoleum?!  There is a ghostly wind!! Ahhhhh! Roses are dying at once! THERE IS MAGIC ON PLL!!!!!!!!!!!  Why isn’t Hannah freaking out?!

” Aria your Sudoku prowess doesn’t exactly qualify you to help out with this kind of stuff.” Someone needs to tell Caleb how hacking works (hint, it is unrelated to Sudoku).

Why is Aria acting like Oberlin is basically the easiest school to get into?? She’s SO SURPRISED that she didn’t get in that she thinks it could be due in part to A? No, you didn’t get in because all you do is pretend to be a detective and sleep with men who are legally off limits, then you can’t pretend your lack of studying is an injustice!

“That camera was pointed right at it, it must have seen what happened!” –Emily, just because a camera “sees” something, it does not mean that it’s recording the event.  It needs to be on and recording to capture the moment, not just pointed right at it.

Mrs. Grunwald! That’s the old lady’s name! Huh, I don’t remember her having a name before this episode….

Wow, the camera captured Mona’s murder! It shows a girl with long blonde hair attacking Mona, aka Allison aka Jason LIED!

Whoa Allison isn’t even denying it! Ahhhhh she’s getting arrested!

Wait Paige is leaving because of Allison? Why did I forget that? I thought she was going to college??

PLL: Holiday Special

Is Hannah’s character clinically retarded now? She’s confusing court jesters with the word gesture?!

This is Joey-syndrome (90s kids get props for remembering this!)!

And everyone laughs like Hannah is soooooo silly! She needs attention and probably an assisted living nurse

“Wishes don’t come true, otherwise people wouldn’t die!” Hannah

“I’d rather dance on dead monkeys than go to Alli’s ball.” Aria, why would you even say that? That’s really selfish!

Mona has legal “affairs”? She’s 17!!!! What’s 17 year old had affairs!!!!! Did she have a will?!! Lies! If you were her parents wouldn’t you just open it and toss it, thinking it was just a silly game and I had a whole funeral to plan and my life was over.

Did Aria ask the Santa for a snow globe and he HAPPENED to give one with their faces in it that A planted?! NO! This is not how real life works!

Toby is in a leg cast looking through a camera on zoom! How Hitchcock of the writers! Tryin to class up the joint, I see. Although, this show is so vapid that I’m sure they’re accidentally making a Disturbia reference.

High school students dressing as sexy Santa for foreplay is just flat out gross. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer sexy santas as kittens or puppies and not sexy, just santas.

Alli’s mini-me says “This blows, let’s get out of here, losers!” What 9 year-old talks like that??

“Mean girls stay mean.” Truer words have never been spoken (unless you count that time I was eating chocolate cake and screamed “CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST CREATION ON THE PLANET!“)

“I think my mom is still watching out for me.” Allison are you on CRACK?! That bitch hated you!

Why did Hannah have to run the Jack-in-the-box….alone….in the dark? Does she WANT to die of a heart attack?!!

Wait isn’t Toby a rookie cop?! Doesn’t he have a gun?! WHY DOESNT HE GUN DOWN THE KILLED ?! Stop using the flash on your SLR AND GUN THAT MAN DOWN!!

This episode ends with the most DISTURBING image in my a “family” show EVER! A teacher and his students (Toby being a past student) posing nearly nude for their lovers ALL TOGETHER?!! EWWWWW

PLL: Scream for Me

YES, I am aware this is a week late, sorry!

Haha A circled all the notes on the sheet music in the key of A.  Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the girls couldn’t read sheet music (I mean, have we seen them go to All State? #ChorusNerdsUnite!) and so they were just staring at the sheet music, shrugged and tossed it in the trash? HAHAHA WOULDN’T THAT BE SO MUCH MORE HILARIOUS THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS SHOW?!! HAHAHA?!????

A beer can falls out of Hannah’s locker?  SO are we to believe that Hannah came to school, popped open a can of beer in the bathroom and instead of putting it in the trash where no one would know it’s hers, she carries it back to stash into her locker?  Oh and she must have cleaned the can out because if she didn’t people would be able to smell the beer for MILES! Not buying, PLL.

Ummmm Caleb is an enabler! FULL ON ENABLER! What happened to our knight in shining armour!?

SYDNEY’S PARENTS OWN A FROZEN YOGURT CHAIN!?!?!?! THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER!  There should be a spin-off about the girls traveling the country to find A who happens to be putting her code in froyo! THAT would be awesome!

Why does Spencer tell Toby he can’t just “up and be a cop”? Is she the police chief now?

Oh the guy in the coffeeshop? Aria’s step-dad-to-be?  The one giving Hannah the pedo-eyes? He’s gonna rape her, right? That’s what the show is insinuating? The close up shot of his hand on her lower back, offering to help hide her drinking if she helps him WINK WINK F*CKING WINK INSINUATIONS.

Why are the girls being SO SO mean to Hannah?  Not only is she clearly suffering but she was clearly creeped on by the guy but her friends, rather than showing empathy, say she must have been drunk?  Nice.

All of these girls officially suck. They are so beyond cruel to each other in the most unnecessary ways.  Rather than support each other and lift each other up they are constantly berating and belittling each other!

OMG RAPEY-COFFEE-ARIAS-STEPDAD just got into Hannah’s car!  “I saw you out here and thought we could talk…I just wasn’t sure what your takeaway from yesterday was. I wasn’t sure if you were feeling the same vibe as me but I kind of think you were…” THEN HE WROTE HIS # DOWN ON PAPER FOR HER AND SAYS “Hit me up.”

WTF. NO! STOP! ABC FAMILY PLEASE STOP WITH THE STATUTORY RAPE AND REGULAR RAPE AS WELL PLEASE?!

Thanks, Society.

WOW Aria is being SO SO SO MEAN! Hannah told her about daddy-dearest and Aria accuses Hannah of being trashed.  Basically all of these girls except for Hannah who, sure, has poor coping skills, are the worst!

“Go, study hard, graduate early, with my parents splitting up…it’s getting so much worse…”-SPENCER pulls a 180 on Toby now saying he should, to quote her “up and be a cop!”  How beneficial to SPENCER. How fucking self absorbed is the bitch?! Her opinion changes at will based on how the situation benefits HER and HER ALONE.

 

PLL: The Silence of E Lamb

Why is everyone scared of Emily’s mom?

I LOVE HANNAH’S NEW PUNK ROCK LOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaa when Hannah reaches for Caleb’s fries he gives her a death stare. Gawd, Cale-ub, Hannah’s stressed, k? Don’t be so judgy about her eating a few fries! Ugh, MEN! #amiright?

Is it just me or is Caleb REALLY, like REALLY made up, right? Like too much foundation, guy-liner and bronzer. He looks super pretty, though!

“I just know you from what you left behind…like a tornado…“–Deep metaphor, Caleb. You should be a writer.

“Dad wants to sell the house. The house Melissa, this is our home.”- Spencer, I’m confused, can you clarify for me? What does dad want to sell?

Ohhhhhh Caleb brought over beers to celebrate being a rebel, he’s SOOOOOOOO BAAAADDD! Oh he also brought his perfectly made-up face! Just take a gander at his visage:
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“What you gonna do little girl when you got no hands?”-Rhonda is pretty rad, I love her.

“Maybe you can have a headache in 2 weeks along with the cramps, am I right?”–HOW DOES EMILY KNOW HANNAH’S PERIOD CYCLE?!?!!

OMFG….So Aria is in Rhonda’s room and has to hide under her bed and Rhonda comes in and lays down on the bed and the directors made a point of showing how the bed bows and goes down a lot .  That’s really freaking mean!  WTH!  So Rhonda has curves, who cares! That is so mean to make a point of showing how the bed might crush Aria! ABC Family is becoming (more) very brass and insensitive!

This episode is ridiculous!  Emily’s mom is having all the TEENAGE girls over and she’s serving VODKA?! She’s serving HARD LIQUOR to minors??  WHAT PLANET are we on where that’s something that should be televised as cool??  Are we going to next show teens smoking and make it look “cool“?

And it’s not like Emily’s mom has been painted as a hippy a la Maya’s mom, or that she’s negligent.  So it’s just an ordinary mom serving hard liquor to kids.  Where’s the absinthe, ma??

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Allison is telling Hannah not to date Caleb so that Alli can have aaaallll her little minions all to herself!  What a wench! They should drop her.

Ohhhhhhh Caleb and Hannah kisssssssssss! WOOT! Guys, he’s acting super effeminate even when kissing Hannah!  What is going on with Caleb?!

“She was drinking”-Emily’s said.

“In front of your mom?!”-Aria asks, shocked.  Ummmm, Aria–EMILY’S MOM PROVIDED THE ALCOHOL!! Emily conveniently leaves that part out.

 

I’m confused as to why Hannah didn’t get the text.  Also, who’s engagement party invitation are we looking at, who are Zack and Ella and who is the person it’s addressed to, Pam Fields?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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PLL: Run, Ali, Run

We open with A being back.

Isn’t it obvious that the new A is Mona?? Are we supposed to think it’s someone else? If so, WHY?! What clues have told us that A is anyone BUT Mona?

“Why now?” Ali asks.

“That’s what we have to find out”-SPENCER, NO! Now it’s time to tell the cops! We know that Allison is alive and so NOW what’s holding us back from telling the cops?

Caleb is back and ever the voice of reason, he agrees with me! Tell the cops!!

I don’t understand why Aria never told the police that she killed Shauna anyways, it was SELF DEFENSE AND THERE WERE WITNESSES!!!! My god, the girl had a GUN in her hand! Now she looks guilty as f*ck!

“I would never take a life to cover up what you did!”-Ohhhh Spencer BURRRRNNNN! Your dad doesn’t love you that much!

So Spencer’s dad was ALLEGEDLY at the Lakehouse with Melissa the night Mrs. D was killed….but wouldn’t say doing what…..creeepyyyyyyy AND incesssssstttyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m telling you guys, Melissa and the dad have a Woody Allen-Soon Yi thing going on.

Wait A SNAPCHATTED Allison a video of burying her dead mom?!! Even for A that seems weird…also makes me think that Mona is definitely in on it! No wealthy (I assume A is a bazillionaire) adult in their right mind would use SNAPCHAT.

Ezra looks like a lovesick puppy….a 27-year-old lovesick puppy who misses his 16-17 year old prey…..so, erm, sweet?

Whoever this Bethany chick is, she must have HATED Mrs.D because look at the unflattering picture Bethany drew:

Wait, Alli’s dad left her alone for the night?! You think your daughter is DEAD, she comes back, your wife DIES, the house down the block blows up and yet you feel totally comfortable leaving your daughter home alone?!!? REALLY?! Dang Alli, guess your dad doesn’t love you that much….you can join Spencer in that club….

I don’t know how I feel about Caleb’s new sideswept Bieber-do….

Pretty Little Liars: Thrown from the Ride

Hannah put black streaks in her hair? It looks kind of like cruella deville, right?

Wait weren’t the police called to the scene of shaunas death? Then why did Mona say she was transferred back to georgia? I’m confused (which should be the title of this show)

OMG is this guy playing Allison’s dad acting for the first time?!! He’s the worst! He’s acting like he’s talking to a 9 month old. Do you think the director is in the sidelines shouting at him “She’s 17! She’s not a newborn baby! Speak to her like a normal human being!”

Spencer’s parents are totes getting a divorce dude. Spencer’s mom slept on the couch.

“How much longer is our yard going to be a crime scene?!” #richpeopleproblems #rosewoodproblems

Who is this new swimmer girl? STFU new girl!

Ohhhh Emily ignored Allison’s call! Character development!

Mona is just STARING at the girls like a psychopath! By the way, this happens throughout the entire episode, nonstop.

“You need to take a psychological selfie”–Kids say the darndest things! AHAAHAHAH….no but really, is that how teenagers talk? Ugh.

Allison just signed her text to Emily as “-Allison”-

isn’t this supposed to be a girl in 2014? The only other people I know do that are my parents for whom English is the second language. So unless Allison’s character is now a 62 year old Persian man, I’m not buying it.

OH wait Allison’s dad is implying that she was raped! How is a wholesome family network like ABC Family going to tackle that? I hope better than they did the statutory rape story line……

Oh shaunas last name is Fring? Like GUSTAVO FRING FROM BREAKING BAD?!! CROSSOVER SHOWS! SPINOFF!

WAIT THERE’s A VIDEO FROM SHAUNAS FUNERAL?!! WHO POSTS VIDEOS OF FUNERALS?!!! IS THIS A THING NOW?! SOMEONE EXPLAIN!!!!

Paige is wearing a tank top and dang girl is FIT! Dem guns look great, git gurl!

There’s a tin of rat poison in the garage with the receipt conveniently taped to the side. The implication is gonna be that Allison’s mom was killed with the poison and oh my thank goodness the receipt is taped on the side so they can trace who bought it back to….my guess is Spencer’s dad!

“You have quite powerful lungs my lady!” Her doctor is gonna murder her, right? He’s gauging how to suppress the scream from those lungs, right? Right.

“Scoot down at the end of the table so I can take a better look at it.”  IS HE TALKING ABOUT HER PELVIC EXAM???

Oh wait he’s not, just a cut on her knee.  But still, this doctor sounds so creepy!!!!

“Hannah once you know something, you can’t unknown it….”–Spoken like a true teenager and not the 62 year old Persian man I was beginning to suspect you were.

Why does Spencer need to google if rat poison kills? Isn’t that pretty obvious??

Mona is my new favorite character, I think.

I feel like people don’t post videos of funerals for this EXACT REASON, because people on the internet get creepy and will just watch your loved ones in a casket on repeat like Aria.

What’s Ezra’s role in a of this? Are we cool with him now? But didn’t he pretended to not know who aria was at a restaurant when he had sex with her, even though he KNEW she was 15? So even though he’s not A, he’s still creepy as fuck right?! RIGHT?!!

Oh no! Hannah is going back to her Mona-stealing ways!!!!

Spencer cuts herself on a knife and I almost expect the boy to start foaming at the mouth and looking torn….I think I’m conflating vampire diaries with this show….

Allison shows Emily a child’s pink polka dot backpack and says with pride “my dad got it for me!”

Again, Allison’s dad not understanding that she’s not a child who needs a Lisa Frank backpack (but for real, Lisa Frank was the shit.)

Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Pretty Little Liars: Whirly Girlie

“Ali-are we in agreement?”-Spencer needs to friggin’ tone it down. Is she trying to get verbal confirmation, like she’s gonna enforce any of this if (when) Ali lies?

“I know who you are”-Detective BlahBlahWhoCares says. Yeah cause hes’ probably using her pictures as porn. DON’T JUDGE ME! THIS SHOW MADE ME THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A MONSTER—IT IS!

“Mom, she just wants to move on, okay? Yes, it was a nightmare but we need it to end!”-Why are these girls SO ANNOYED that their moms have questions about them running away and finding their friend who’s been dead and buried for 2 years? Like is it SO SHOCKING that you parents questioned your disappearance? Or your dead friend?

“Is Allison alive and in her house?”-Aria’s brother asks a VERY specific question–the kind of question that makes me think he wants to know for a specific reason, like, to stab her….at her house….

“We’re back in planet Allison…why is she still controlling us?”-Ohhhhhh methinks Spencer liked being the one in control…..

SO Spencer’s neighbor throws a roll of toilet paper out the window with a message to the girls on it. They act so scared and surprised and ask “who sent this?!” and their neighbor draws a question mark on the window in response.  The window has a LOT of condensation inside, by the way.  BUT ANYWAYS, I DIGRESS–> When the neighbor shut the door they act like all hope is lost.  Cant they knock on their neighbor’s door and ask again in the morning? That wasn’t a phantom neighbor, was it?

So Aria is woken up by a violin playing something Shauna used to play or something else stupid.  But here’s my thing–why doesn’t anyone else notice this? Why don’t her neighbors complain about the noise? Wouldn’t the HOA put a stop to this?

Why is Jason so angry?????  He watched Allison SLEEP?!?! Dude, again, maybe I’m watching Game of Thrones but is he gonna like….try to marry her?  Also, why doesn’t she tell her dad about this? He seems legit.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why is Toby’s hair slicked back??!

“I have to go home and change my underwear!”– The reason Hannah is the best character!

I don’t know if it’s the combination of his slicked back hair and pale skin, but I THINK, I’m not sure, but I THINK Toby is a vampire. 

“I don’t have to hide. You do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”-So I get that Mona saying this is supposed to be a threat BUUUUUUT when you say that without a disguise and walk away, then can’t Allison turn around and call the cops?  Then the cops can deal with Mona’s threats and Allison doesn’t have to keep trying to act like a girl who is scared (she keeps blinking and fluttering her eyelashes as though THAT is what is going to convey to the viewer that she is afraid, not the ominous music).

MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER FINDS ALLISON’S DEAD MOM! Oh yeah, Ali’s mom is dead, y’all.

Here’s the new hero and my current favorite character, Pepe:

 

 

Unbridled

I am just so tired of this show, I can’t explain how exhausted I am by all of this nonsense.

I have decided to add some of my own thoughts into this episode in copious volumes. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much!

We open to Spencer in a wedding gown running through the woods, her veil getting stuck in the tumbleweed. The panicked look on her face tells me, “I need to get to the altar fast! Toby won’t marry me if I am covered in dirt! RIGHT?!! IS THAT WHAT THE METH SAID??! WAIT IS METH A PERSON? WHERE AM I? I LOVE PLAID AND BERETS!! YAY??!!”

Hanna is talking about Paige’s letter to the cops. When pointing out that it must be Paige, Hannah says
“It’s her handwriting and her stationary”……I’m sorry, Paige has her own stationary? Who is she, Brad Pitt?! OH, I’m sorry readers, did you not get that obscure reference?? (OVERLY DRAMATIC EYEROLL SEQUENCE followed by a knock in the head to jostle eyeballs back into place.)

Aria’s mom says to her: “Your father made it sound like you were hosting the rolling stones.” OH, I’M SO SORRY! I didn’t know that CHAD LOWE, brother of INFAMOUS-SEX-TAPE-WITH-A-MINOR-ROB-LOW had ANY right to comment on a girl’s promiscuity!

“I did it to protect you” The emotionally abusive girlfriend says.

“I guess a bridal show would bring up other issues like Ezra…and Maggie….and their son…” Aria’s mom says. Um, did I accidentally hit the remote and turn on TEEN MOM!?? Can your daughter graduate from HIGH SCHOOL before you mention WEDDINGS????????? SERIOUSLY?! Ugh!

Spencer’s sober coach is reading Love at First Fight….I am choosing to ignore what he says and ignore the wikipedia page, so I am going to come up with my own book synopsis:

Love at First Fight: This is the harrowing tale of a middle-aged man, Vernon, who finds his true calling in the bloodiest of all spectator sports, Cock Fighting. Unfortunately, on his first day, before he even got to ref his first game, a cock got loose and pecked his eyes out. That’s where he found love. Blinded what turned out to be a female bird, Vern learns what real love is and he learns that love truly is blind.

Spencer’s mom does a flashback in which SPENCER IS NOT PRESENT, then her mom, shocked, says “You don’t remember any of this??”

Oh, I’m sorry, Ma, was she SUPPOSED to somehow remember a flashback to a memory YOU possess in which she was not actually present?!?! ARE YOU ON METH, TOO?

Spencer to Jason: “Isn’t it funny that you and I always have more in common than you think” (Please say a mutual love of dramatic hats!!!!!!!!)

I digress. Isn’t it weird to have a bridal show modeled entirely by underaged teens? Is this the new Courtney Stodden bridal line?

Dude, wait, Aria’s mom is comparing her divorce (which involved her husband’s infidelity with a younger student [like father like daughter] and 2 kids) with Aria’s teenage romance gone awry? Way to make Aria think that her ridiculous relationship with her rapist was legit, MOM!

I’m still not entirely sure what Spencer was running from in the woods…..maybe I should pay more attention? Ugh that requires too much energy…….

Wait, Spencer’s corset was all human bones inside?? HOW DID SPENCER NOT NOTICE WHEN SHE PUT THE CORSET ON!??! Is that what your brain looks like on meth?? A bone-corset??

And really, is it THAT gross, Spencer? I mean, the bones are clean and everything. Jeez, way to be dramatic, meth-head.

Pretty Little Liars: Free Fall

Aka Aria discovers the truth!  Ok, let’s start from the top!

This episode opens on Spencer in a dream sequence?? Nope, Spencer just slept at Ezra’s desk at school, obviously the more logical choice.

Ezra wants to tell Aria about his concerns about Spencer but he manages to make even a simple conversation sound as MOLESTY as humanly possible:  “Hey, Aria, I know youre going to history but I can write you a late pass. We need to talk“   Romance or rape, new drinking game for this show!

“She’s on amphetatimes…she’s a ticking time bomb and when she explodes I don’t want you to get hit by the shrapnel.”  This actually REALLY bothered me but not in the typical PLL-Total-Nonsense way, but in a more practical way.  As a teacher your job is to care about ALL of your students, not about your girlfriend-student getting hit by the shrapnel of your drug-addled student who’s really struggling!  I know, waayyyyyy too pragmatic of a complaint, I get it.

“I guess I’m willing to break the rules if it means helping Spencer”

1. See my comment above, he obviously does NOT care about helping Spencer (I know, I know, bigger picture he doesn’t care about helping Spencer because he’s A, but that’s a side complaint!)

2. He is willing to break the rules ALL THE TIME, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!  He slept with a 13-year old Allison, thought she got pregnant, tried to kill her, then created this A persona to lure 4 girls into being afraid of him, slept with ANOTHER underage student, got fired, rehired, bribed, and smashed a student’s car with a baseball bat.  HE BREAKS ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE IS A PSYCHOPATH!

Why is Toby looking goofier and goofier in every single episode?? Lookit:

“Maybe throw in a lasagna if you’re good and finish all your homework” Ok, let me be perfectly honest. I don’t know what Toby actually said.  I was passively listening at this point and heard that, and I tuned in when he said “if you’re good and finish all your homework.”  He could have said “Maybe throw in an upper-decker if you’re good.” and I would have reacted the same way.  Either way, he was trying to be cutesy/sexy and it really, really creeped me out.  

I find it repulsive when men try to play that dominant-daddy-teacher role like Toby is trying and, well, Ezra is ACTUALLY DOING.  It’s inappropriate in every single way possible.

Aria’s Brother: “I bet you were a cute baby”

Mona: “I had to wear corrective lenses as a baby”

Aria’s Brother: “that sounds adorable”

WHAT?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!  Did Aria’s brother go to the school of Ezra-Creeping?!!? OR WORSE, does he think that baby Mona in corrective-lenses is adorable??  WHAT?! Just, no. I can’t even. UGH!

Oh Aria, all loyalty went out the window with one delirious, meth-induced rant from Spencer?  Not that im against Aria and Ezra breaking up but the way these two wax on and on about their undying love, I would not have thought an amphetime addiction by her friend would be the thing that breaks them up, ya know?

She finds one of Ezra’s journals in which hew wrote about Allison: “Lying was her oxygen…she could do it while she was laughing, she could even do it while she was kissing you.”

Wow, Ezra, for a writer, you suck at writing.

Annnnnnd Aria runs away!  “Aria, I know you’re out there! Why are you hiding from me?” Ezra shouts as he runs into the woods after her. I guess he’s done pretending to be normal.

1.       The best way to pretend you’re not suspicious of your boyfriend being a rapist/killer/psychopath is to act normal dude, don’t run into the woods screaming and panicking! PLAY IT COOL and call 911 under the kitchen table as he serves your underage ass wine.

2.       The best way to pretend youre not a rapist/killer/psychopath is to call Aria when you see she’s not home and just be like “hey babe, where are ya? I got dinner on the stove!”  NOT run into the woods screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

Also, Ezra’s home security system looks like a Leapfrog Learning Pad for children:

Ezra is saying he is a true-crime novelist writing about Allison.  He says he met her in college and she lied about her age and he believed her.

Have you TALKED TO a 13/14 year old?! No really, go talk to one. I will wait. Find your niece, nephew, cousin, sister, whatever. I’m waiting.

Did you do it??  Yeah. There is no way you could mistake her for a 20 year old, Ezra.  I can barely understand what teenagers are saying between their acronyms, slang, and pop-culture, let alone have an extensional discussion about the meaning of life.

THEN, THEN ARIA MAKES A NEW UGLY CRY FACE THAT RIVALS KIM KARDASHIAN AND DAWSON’S!

Spencer’s mom confronts her about her drug use and she says:

“You promised, you promised you wouldn’t go back to this….I can’t go through this with you again, I dont have it in me!” –WOW, SPENCER’S MOM?!  She is giving up on her daughter?!? Like 10000%  She’s saying she’s done trying. Maybe that’s why Spencer is so messed up, her own mother quits after 2 attempts at actual parenting. 

Maybe, just maybe, Spencer isn’t the worst, maybe she’s just a by product of absentee parents who just don’t love her enough.