Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Pretty Little Liars: Whirly Girlie

“Ali-are we in agreement?”-Spencer needs to friggin’ tone it down. Is she trying to get verbal confirmation, like she’s gonna enforce any of this if (when) Ali lies?

“I know who you are”-Detective BlahBlahWhoCares says. Yeah cause hes’ probably using her pictures as porn. DON’T JUDGE ME! THIS SHOW MADE ME THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A MONSTER—IT IS!

“Mom, she just wants to move on, okay? Yes, it was a nightmare but we need it to end!”-Why are these girls SO ANNOYED that their moms have questions about them running away and finding their friend who’s been dead and buried for 2 years? Like is it SO SHOCKING that you parents questioned your disappearance? Or your dead friend?

“Is Allison alive and in her house?”-Aria’s brother asks a VERY specific question–the kind of question that makes me think he wants to know for a specific reason, like, to stab her….at her house….

“We’re back in planet Allison…why is she still controlling us?”-Ohhhhhh methinks Spencer liked being the one in control…..

SO Spencer’s neighbor throws a roll of toilet paper out the window with a message to the girls on it. They act so scared and surprised and ask “who sent this?!” and their neighbor draws a question mark on the window in response.  The window has a LOT of condensation inside, by the way.  BUT ANYWAYS, I DIGRESS–> When the neighbor shut the door they act like all hope is lost.  Cant they knock on their neighbor’s door and ask again in the morning? That wasn’t a phantom neighbor, was it?

So Aria is woken up by a violin playing something Shauna used to play or something else stupid.  But here’s my thing–why doesn’t anyone else notice this? Why don’t her neighbors complain about the noise? Wouldn’t the HOA put a stop to this?

Why is Jason so angry?????  He watched Allison SLEEP?!?! Dude, again, maybe I’m watching Game of Thrones but is he gonna like….try to marry her?  Also, why doesn’t she tell her dad about this? He seems legit.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why is Toby’s hair slicked back??!

“I have to go home and change my underwear!”– The reason Hannah is the best character!

I don’t know if it’s the combination of his slicked back hair and pale skin, but I THINK, I’m not sure, but I THINK Toby is a vampire. 

“I don’t have to hide. You do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”-So I get that Mona saying this is supposed to be a threat BUUUUUUT when you say that without a disguise and walk away, then can’t Allison turn around and call the cops?  Then the cops can deal with Mona’s threats and Allison doesn’t have to keep trying to act like a girl who is scared (she keeps blinking and fluttering her eyelashes as though THAT is what is going to convey to the viewer that she is afraid, not the ominous music).

MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER FINDS ALLISON’S DEAD MOM! Oh yeah, Ali’s mom is dead, y’all.

Here’s the new hero and my current favorite character, Pepe:

 

 

Unbridled

I am just so tired of this show, I can’t explain how exhausted I am by all of this nonsense.

I have decided to add some of my own thoughts into this episode in copious volumes. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much!

We open to Spencer in a wedding gown running through the woods, her veil getting stuck in the tumbleweed. The panicked look on her face tells me, “I need to get to the altar fast! Toby won’t marry me if I am covered in dirt! RIGHT?!! IS THAT WHAT THE METH SAID??! WAIT IS METH A PERSON? WHERE AM I? I LOVE PLAID AND BERETS!! YAY??!!”

Hanna is talking about Paige’s letter to the cops. When pointing out that it must be Paige, Hannah says
“It’s her handwriting and her stationary”……I’m sorry, Paige has her own stationary? Who is she, Brad Pitt?! OH, I’m sorry readers, did you not get that obscure reference?? (OVERLY DRAMATIC EYEROLL SEQUENCE followed by a knock in the head to jostle eyeballs back into place.)

Aria’s mom says to her: “Your father made it sound like you were hosting the rolling stones.” OH, I’M SO SORRY! I didn’t know that CHAD LOWE, brother of INFAMOUS-SEX-TAPE-WITH-A-MINOR-ROB-LOW had ANY right to comment on a girl’s promiscuity!

“I did it to protect you” The emotionally abusive girlfriend says.

“I guess a bridal show would bring up other issues like Ezra…and Maggie….and their son…” Aria’s mom says. Um, did I accidentally hit the remote and turn on TEEN MOM!?? Can your daughter graduate from HIGH SCHOOL before you mention WEDDINGS????????? SERIOUSLY?! Ugh!

Spencer’s sober coach is reading Love at First Fight….I am choosing to ignore what he says and ignore the wikipedia page, so I am going to come up with my own book synopsis:

Love at First Fight: This is the harrowing tale of a middle-aged man, Vernon, who finds his true calling in the bloodiest of all spectator sports, Cock Fighting. Unfortunately, on his first day, before he even got to ref his first game, a cock got loose and pecked his eyes out. That’s where he found love. Blinded what turned out to be a female bird, Vern learns what real love is and he learns that love truly is blind.

Spencer’s mom does a flashback in which SPENCER IS NOT PRESENT, then her mom, shocked, says “You don’t remember any of this??”

Oh, I’m sorry, Ma, was she SUPPOSED to somehow remember a flashback to a memory YOU possess in which she was not actually present?!?! ARE YOU ON METH, TOO?

Spencer to Jason: “Isn’t it funny that you and I always have more in common than you think” (Please say a mutual love of dramatic hats!!!!!!!!)

I digress. Isn’t it weird to have a bridal show modeled entirely by underaged teens? Is this the new Courtney Stodden bridal line?

Dude, wait, Aria’s mom is comparing her divorce (which involved her husband’s infidelity with a younger student [like father like daughter] and 2 kids) with Aria’s teenage romance gone awry? Way to make Aria think that her ridiculous relationship with her rapist was legit, MOM!

I’m still not entirely sure what Spencer was running from in the woods…..maybe I should pay more attention? Ugh that requires too much energy…….

Wait, Spencer’s corset was all human bones inside?? HOW DID SPENCER NOT NOTICE WHEN SHE PUT THE CORSET ON!??! Is that what your brain looks like on meth?? A bone-corset??

And really, is it THAT gross, Spencer? I mean, the bones are clean and everything. Jeez, way to be dramatic, meth-head.

Pretty Little Liars-Bring the Hoe Down

This episode has a confusing title: Which Ho is PLL making the double entendre about? There are too many to pick from!

“What are we supposed to go shopping for, things to wear while visiting my mother on a chain gang?!” Seriously, Hanna gets the best lines on this show.

There’s a school dance and it’s a hoe-down. Hence the title of the episode. Ugh. Sigh. PLL, c’mon, you’re better than that. JUST KIDDING you’re totes not!

Emily’s former supervisor at her volunteer job wrote her a college recommendation and it said: “Her spirit made my heart race“—–WHAT THE FUCK. That is not a “glowing” recommendation, that’s YET ANOTHER INAPPROPRIATE AUTHORITY-SUBSERVIENT RELATIONSHIP!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS TO UNDERAGE GIRLS WATCHING THIS SHOW: Just because someone is an authority figure does NOT mean that you should have sex with him!

“Emily, there are people with real problems in the world and getting glowing recommendations is not one of them. Wait. Emily I’m sorry.“–Haha, I LOVE how Ezra SO ABRUPTLY changed his mind, like as he spat out his venom he felt immediate guilt, came to terms with it and was kind and apologetic.  I smell borderline personality disorder…..

Ok, A just left stacks on stacks on stacks (props if you get that reference, write a comment if you do) in Hanna’s locker?! What kind of disposable income does A have? And WHAT a waste!

Ahhh an obligatory piece of product placement, a Macy’s bag placed center stage so that we can see Macy’s is sponsoring this episode of PLL.

Why is Ezra tending bar at a school dance?! Oh her boyfriend is calling him out saying, “you gotta have better things to do on a Friday night.”

Unfortunately, he followed that up with “I know you’re hurtin”.  This episode is trying too hard with the cowboy theme.  THIS FRIGGIN SHOW IS TRYING TO HARD WITH THE ATTEMPTING TO MAKE ME GIVE A SHIT THEME!

I get that this is a very tense scene but I CANNOT take these clowns seriously:

WHEN DID EMILY AND PAIGE HAVE TIME TO CHOREOGRAPH A TERRIBLE HOE-DOWN DANCE?!?!! THIS IS SO AWFUL!

So wait, CeeCee is one of the As? Or is the redcoat girl not associated with A? And what ever happened to the NET club!!??!!

I still think Allison’s mom is controlling the As…..

Pretty Little Liars-Getting Caught Up!

Is it just me or is this show becoming more and more like a daytime soap opera?

Between the egregious product placement, LONGGGG commercial breaks, and poor acting by attractive people, I feel like it’s 1999 and I’m watching Passions, wondering if the crazy yet stunning Theresa will ever win Ethan over…..And I am sure 90% of you don’t get that reference but if you do, kudos because it’s a wacky one!

Aria’s flavor of the week looks like a Channing-Tatum-wannabe but somehow even WORSE of an actor and awkward screen-presence. He keeps bumbling around the screen shirtless, dramatically raising his eyebrows more than necessary and attempting to smirk but instead it looks like the grimace of someone who ate too much protein and is now constipated.

SORRY, that was a lot.  My issue is that this show had poor acting and excessive soap-opera feel to begin with. Why add more?!  It literally PAINS me to watch some of these people attempt to act.

OH THEY MENTIONED EMILY’S BIRTHDAY! SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW IS ACTUALLY AGING! I wonder if they will tell us how OLD she is?!

Jenna is found floating in a lake, eyes open like the dead. But she’s not dead. Which begs the question- why were her eyes open?!!!?!

Ok wait what?! Jenna was hit in the head, presumably by A, in a way to INTENTIONALLY prevent her from remembering something about A?!  THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE! YOU CANT JUST KNOCK SPECIFIC MEMORIES OUT OF SOMEONE’S BRAIN! 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:

WREN IS BAAACK! Apparently working full-time at Radley. He is SO lucky that he was able to complete medical school, start his residency in psychiatry apparently, AND FINISH IT in the matter of 4 years. He completed 8-10 years of education and work in 4.  Thank GOODNESS he lives in this magical fake world where stupid, unreasonable and illogical shit happens.

Emily is staying at Allison’s house in her old room?!?!? WTF?!?!!

“Sorry it’s so chilly, furnace is acting up.” Allison’s mom says.  WHAT COUNTRY DO THEY LIVE IN THAT THEY NEED A FURNACE IN AUGUST!?!?!?!

EZRA ISN’T MALCOLM’S DAD! OMG! ZOMG! Malcolm is WHY he and Aria broke up! Will they get back together?! BUT WHAT ABOUT HER DOE-EYED NEW MAN-CANDY!?!?!

There’s a pretty brown chick on the show!

Allison’s mom is nuts and I am 89% sure THAT SHE IS A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m SERIOUS! She is wackadoodle enough to be A and she has access to all of Allison’s stuff so she could have learned all the girl’s secrets!

This ancillary storyline about Toby is getting old and I don’t care! Weird sheet music? Meh. It’s REALLY not compelling.

Spencer’s mom is talking to an unrepresented potential criminal defendant……. annnnnnd threatens to have her put behind bars…….”I have ways to see to it that you rot in a cell until your hair turns grey“–> LADY, you putting your career in jeopardy over a 16 year old girl. Now we know where Spencer gets her (lack of) PRIORITIES from!

Yeah guys, A is TOTALLY Allison’s mom! I REALLY THINK IT’S HER!

Allison’s mom knew she hung out with CC, a college co-ed?!  WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW YOUR 14-year OLD DAUGHTER TO HANG OUT WITH A 20-YEAR OLD!?!?!? DONT YOU QUESTION WHY A 20-YEAR OLD WOULD NEED A 14-year OLD FRIEND!?!?!! THAT IS SO INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-Crash and Burn, Girl!

“It’s time to bust out the big guns-cake frosting and a spoon“-That is by SMARTEST thing Spencer has ever said on the show. Ever.

OHHHH Caleb and Toby are plotting TOGETHER, AGAINST A! I like this duo!  I know Toby finished high school but what about Caleb??! Doesn’t he have high school and a biological mom to tend to?!

I just realized that they keep saying RavenSwood, I assumed it was Ravenwood!  I wonder if that’s like a Harry Potter trademark issue thingy…bah, who are we kidding, they probably wouldn’t even notice, it was probably a typo and the writers of the show just went with it.

WAIT. Aria’s bother was a no-show between season 1 and now, and NOW the writers are trying to make him an ACTUAL character worth caring about?! Oh heeellll no! I already don’t care about Spencer, and she has been through a lot more!

Hannah is paying all the bills while her mom is in jail! That makes no sense! If she is a minor then shouldn’t her dad or some court appointed guardian be sent to stay with her??!!?!  WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?!?!!?

Wait what kind of town is Rosewood that involuntary manslaughter gets you at least 20 years?!?!?!!!!  That’s BEYOND excessive!  THAT’S UNCONSTITUTIONAL! dkjhgsdkfgdkjshgkdfhg! MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE NONSENSE!

Ok, so Emily, Aria and Spencer broke into Wilden’s apartment and AFTER breaking in they put on gloves to prevent prints? AFTER breaking in?! THIS IS WHY THEY NEED THEIR HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATIONS!

So in Wilden’s apartment the girls have found his movie collection! “Yeah if you consider Lord of the G-Strings a classic!” (YES, that is a real movie! HA!)

I’m confused, are Caleb and Toby roughing up a guy who works at a plane hangar? And this guy is the only person who works here and there is no security? YEAH RIGHT! We live in a post-911 world, there is NO WAY an airport hangar has ZERO security! Nice try PLL, but I’m not letting this one go!

Wait, is Ezra trying to bribe the principal of the school because the principal asked Aria about her brother’s medical history?  HOW is that bribe-able information!?!?!

Why would CeCe want Toby’s mom’s records?!!?!?

Oh EMILY stole Wilden’s keys from her mom’s work at the police station and NOW her mom got suspended for “losing” the key! Tsk tsk tsk Emily, losing the scholarship, having Family Services at the house and now your mama getting suspended? You’re really giving Spencer a run for her money for being the WORST!

Ohhh because Detective Wilden is dead the show wrote in a new “rape eyes” character:

If those eyes don’t scream rape, I don’t know what eyes do!

 

 

YET ANOTHER Commercial I Hate (the list is endless)

Before I begin, please watch this commercial:

And then tell me that you, as a human being with ears, do not want to murder christmas for that commercial.

If you know me, you know I love animals.  I don’t cry for anything but animals almost exclusively.

But this commercial has somehow made me HATE penguins.

This penguin sounds like the maniacal, ugly step brother to Furbies.

The personified man/child/girl voicing this penguin should be fired until his/her balls finally drop.

And have their adenoids removed.

And then their existence.

The end. For now. Unless Pier1 decides to ruin another holiday