PLL: Cover For Me

We start this episode with Aria puking…please oh please tell me she’s pregnant!!!! Fingers crossed guys!!!

Why do Spencer’s parents insist on her going to in-patient psychiatric treatment or letting her do nothing at all??  Why can’t she see a therapist on a regular, weekly basis and combine that with medication to treat her addiction?  Why are her parents okay with letting her “try” it on her own first?!!?  That’s the sort of EXTREME parenting that leads to creepy adults or assholes.  You pick which one you think Spencer is.

Emily: “Shauna called me this morning”
Spencer: “FROM GEORGIA?!?!?!”  Spencer asks incredulously, as though Georgia was some foreign, third world country where cell phone service doesn’t exist.  Um, honey, we Georgians might be down south but damn girl, we got cell phones and friggin’ southern hospitality!!!!!!

Toby: “You look like crap”—Damn boy, your girlfriend is battling a drug addiction, was that necessary?

Ok, guys, Ezra is NOT just a journalist, he has charts and graphs with pictures of Allison. He has FILES of these girls in his drawers at home.  At BEST he’s a sex offender that should be registered with the state of…..what state is this show based in?  No really, I know it’s a small town in New England but what state??

Ok wait wait wait.  WHY does Ezra have an OLD SCHOOL tape player/recorder with Allison’s voice recorded?!   Really, I need to know? This thing is COMICALLY outdated, just look:

Like, wait, do y’all remember using those in the 80’s?  No? Probably not because if you are reading this then you are not old enough. WELL back in my day you had these things and the mic had to be held RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.  If Ezra REALLY recorded her voice on that monstrosity he would have had a mic held in front of Allison’s mouth and she, at 13/14 years old when he “dated” (read, RAPED) her she would have cried out something like “Oh em geeee dude, double-u tee efffff is thattttt?!”

So no, not buyin’ it, ABC Family.

Paige is being a manipulative bitch to Emily, I must say.  She’s threatening to tell the cops about everything unless Emily tells her the truth….because bribery always works to make a healthy relationship….followed by a manipulative bribe that’s actually a thinly veiled attempt to “protect” Emily
“I’m doing this for you Emily, because I love you so much”—– Um, huh? WTF?! Did you go to the Jonestown School of Manipulation!?!?!  Like, really, Paige is being a super crazy, controlling jerk.

Later she asks Emily nonchalantly about dinner plans.  Emily seems upset.

“Are we okay“-a confuses Paige asks later.  Is she really that stupid?? She thought she could manipulate her girlfriend into doing what she wants and continue having a normal relationship?! NO! YOU RUINED IT! YOU BASICALLY SHOWED EMILY THAT YOU ARE A CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE BUTT FACE! GO AWAY!

When Emily basically says they’re not okay, Paige screws Emily over by dropping info in a cop car…..Jerkkkkkkk!

Toby is spending his settlement money on bad hair styles and leather jackets, ughhhh TOBYYY WHYYYYY?!?!

So the episode wraps up with a family “intervention” including Toby and Spencer’s parents.  The thing is, all they do is stand up when Spencer walks in, and Toby says “You need help, Spencer”.

Spencer goes upstairs.  The end.
THAT’S IT? THAT’S ALL?? THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF THE INTERVENTION??!! Wanna know what I think?  They all hate Spencer as much as I do so they secretly WANT her to go away but want to appear to be trying!
The episode ends with A’s gloved hand reading Ezra’s book pages….ALWAYS A GLOVE!  I think A has leprosy and is embarrassed.  Poor A! It’s okay! There are more functional gloves than standard leather ones! It’s 2014! You can go out and buy some! I won’t judge your leprosy!

Pretty Little Liars: Free Fall

Aka Aria discovers the truth!  Ok, let’s start from the top!

This episode opens on Spencer in a dream sequence?? Nope, Spencer just slept at Ezra’s desk at school, obviously the more logical choice.

Ezra wants to tell Aria about his concerns about Spencer but he manages to make even a simple conversation sound as MOLESTY as humanly possible:  “Hey, Aria, I know youre going to history but I can write you a late pass. We need to talk“   Romance or rape, new drinking game for this show!

“She’s on amphetatimes…she’s a ticking time bomb and when she explodes I don’t want you to get hit by the shrapnel.”  This actually REALLY bothered me but not in the typical PLL-Total-Nonsense way, but in a more practical way.  As a teacher your job is to care about ALL of your students, not about your girlfriend-student getting hit by the shrapnel of your drug-addled student who’s really struggling!  I know, waayyyyyy too pragmatic of a complaint, I get it.

“I guess I’m willing to break the rules if it means helping Spencer”

1. See my comment above, he obviously does NOT care about helping Spencer (I know, I know, bigger picture he doesn’t care about helping Spencer because he’s A, but that’s a side complaint!)

2. He is willing to break the rules ALL THE TIME, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!  He slept with a 13-year old Allison, thought she got pregnant, tried to kill her, then created this A persona to lure 4 girls into being afraid of him, slept with ANOTHER underage student, got fired, rehired, bribed, and smashed a student’s car with a baseball bat.  HE BREAKS ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE IS A PSYCHOPATH!

Why is Toby looking goofier and goofier in every single episode?? Lookit:

“Maybe throw in a lasagna if you’re good and finish all your homework” Ok, let me be perfectly honest. I don’t know what Toby actually said.  I was passively listening at this point and heard that, and I tuned in when he said “if you’re good and finish all your homework.”  He could have said “Maybe throw in an upper-decker if you’re good.” and I would have reacted the same way.  Either way, he was trying to be cutesy/sexy and it really, really creeped me out.  

I find it repulsive when men try to play that dominant-daddy-teacher role like Toby is trying and, well, Ezra is ACTUALLY DOING.  It’s inappropriate in every single way possible.

Aria’s Brother: “I bet you were a cute baby”

Mona: “I had to wear corrective lenses as a baby”

Aria’s Brother: “that sounds adorable”

WHAT?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!  Did Aria’s brother go to the school of Ezra-Creeping?!!? OR WORSE, does he think that baby Mona in corrective-lenses is adorable??  WHAT?! Just, no. I can’t even. UGH!

Oh Aria, all loyalty went out the window with one delirious, meth-induced rant from Spencer?  Not that im against Aria and Ezra breaking up but the way these two wax on and on about their undying love, I would not have thought an amphetime addiction by her friend would be the thing that breaks them up, ya know?

She finds one of Ezra’s journals in which hew wrote about Allison: “Lying was her oxygen…she could do it while she was laughing, she could even do it while she was kissing you.”

Wow, Ezra, for a writer, you suck at writing.

Annnnnnd Aria runs away!  “Aria, I know you’re out there! Why are you hiding from me?” Ezra shouts as he runs into the woods after her. I guess he’s done pretending to be normal.

1.       The best way to pretend you’re not suspicious of your boyfriend being a rapist/killer/psychopath is to act normal dude, don’t run into the woods screaming and panicking! PLAY IT COOL and call 911 under the kitchen table as he serves your underage ass wine.

2.       The best way to pretend youre not a rapist/killer/psychopath is to call Aria when you see she’s not home and just be like “hey babe, where are ya? I got dinner on the stove!”  NOT run into the woods screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

Also, Ezra’s home security system looks like a Leapfrog Learning Pad for children:

Ezra is saying he is a true-crime novelist writing about Allison.  He says he met her in college and she lied about her age and he believed her.

Have you TALKED TO a 13/14 year old?! No really, go talk to one. I will wait. Find your niece, nephew, cousin, sister, whatever. I’m waiting.

Did you do it??  Yeah. There is no way you could mistake her for a 20 year old, Ezra.  I can barely understand what teenagers are saying between their acronyms, slang, and pop-culture, let alone have an extensional discussion about the meaning of life.

THEN, THEN ARIA MAKES A NEW UGLY CRY FACE THAT RIVALS KIM KARDASHIAN AND DAWSON’S!

Spencer’s mom confronts her about her drug use and she says:

“You promised, you promised you wouldn’t go back to this….I can’t go through this with you again, I dont have it in me!” –WOW, SPENCER’S MOM?!  She is giving up on her daughter?!? Like 10000%  She’s saying she’s done trying. Maybe that’s why Spencer is so messed up, her own mother quits after 2 attempts at actual parenting. 

Maybe, just maybe, Spencer isn’t the worst, maybe she’s just a by product of absentee parents who just don’t love her enough.

PLL: Shadow Play

The episode opens with the girls snooping through Ezra’s office. And they find? Allison’s journal!

“My parents are out of town being lawyers.” Spencer says with contempt. Sorry, SPENCER, sorry that mom and dad have to pay the bills and make sure you have FOOD to eat! Ugh yeah, your parents are suuuuuch jerks! Jeebus!

“Emily, it’s all about the A-ness of things“…..which of course sounded like “anus” of things. HEEEE! BUTTHOLE JOKE! I love Hannah.

I know from previews that this episode is a film-noire episode, but is it going to be inspired by Spencer’s excessive, illegal substance abuse problems? Like she overloads on vyvanse and then hallucinates?

UPDATE: HOW DO I ALWAYS GUESS THE ANSWER?!?!

Either I’m super smart or this show is really easy to predict. I choose to believe the former.

Ugh I have already lost patience with this, these kids are barely good enough actors to handle speaking like modern-day teens, let alone adults in the 1940s in a film noire.

“I can pay for my own coffee,” Spencer says.

“It’s 15 cents, I’m good for it,” Ezra replies. I entered this amount in an inflation calculator in the hopes of catching the show in a huge mistake and mock it for the error. But alas, that 15 cents for a cup of coffee is on par with current times (2.50 now). Darn them for doing their research!

“All those pills, Spencer, not good.” Cool, brah, thanks for the advice. Toby is so smart.

I can’t tell if this is all part of Spencer’s fantasy or if the events are real, just dramatized by her drug-induced haze. This lighting and make-up shows that not everyone looks good in a red lip. And I’m not trying to be mean! I look awful with a red lip, so I feel for those girls who do, too. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see Alli looks the most stunning in this set-up!

“I’m not as used to walking the streets as Mona is.” HA! Hannah, even in the face of death, has a pun ready.

Aria: “I used to be a tomboy. I would spend more time in our tree in our front yard than in my bedroom”

Paige: “What changed?”

Aria: “When I fell in love for the first time. I lost all interest in tree-climbing. I guess you just grow out of it.”

WOW. Aria. WTF. Did you just imply that being athletic is a phase girls grow out of when they fall in love? OR WORSE, did you just tell Paige, who is gay and dating your friend, that being gay is a phase you grow out of? Aria is competing with Spencer for being the WORST and Aria is WINNING at it. Maybe I misunderstood, but I don’t think I did.

“I’m so tired of thinking, I just want to sleep!” Spencer cries. It’s 1940, women aren’t supposed to think, Spencer! Just sit there and look pretty, and try not to talk back to any men. (This is all said sarcastically, I do not endorse sexism)

Is the implication in this storyline that Allison is a stripper?? That’s so sad because that happens to runaways all the time! Furthermore, the underage stripping is a one-way ticket to sex-trafficking.

“You’re all the time talking about how you want the answer.” Toby, as someone for whom English was a second language, I judge you. That was the FOB-iest sentence ever, in life. I know this is film noire but c’mon, you’re not a French person trying to get a grasp on the English language!

On the plus side, Ezra’s eyes seem much less dead than during last week’s episode! Not saying that they’re full of joie de vivre, but noticeably less brain-dead! Maybe next week he will transition from not-dead to actually menacing? Or do we think this is the best Ian can do?

Pretty Little Liars-Hot for Teacher

Doesn’t the title of this episode sum it all up?

Wait Hannah’s hair is dark now?! When did that happen?  Oh well….

So Emily’s dad’s anemia caused heart-attack-like symptoms?  In the last episode her dad said he didn’t want to tell her and worry her but “something is wrong” and they were “running tests.”  So her dad’s doctors were so confused and confounded about a crazy, confused diagnosis of….Anemia?  I think Wren needs to come back!

“A played post office between my teeth”-So the surgery that A performed on Hannah was to put a note between her teeth?  Then why did she wake up with a bloody mouth?  This reminds me of the episode of Louis I once saw…..

Ezra is begging Aria to come to the cabin with him.  He says, “Aria….I-I thought we would be able to use this cabin.”

“…….as a dungeon for me to hide your chopped up body parts. Why are you acting so weird?”–Ok, so he didn’t ACTUALLY say that but that’s basically what he was TRYING to say.

Spencer is buying what I assume is Vyvanse or another stimulant.  What’s odd is that when the girl asks her for payment (50 bucks) Spencer acts like she expected a handout.  Spencer’s parents are BOTH wealthy attorneys.  The show has gone to great pains to show us how wealthy they are (Spencer did horseback riding, they have a private pool, a private pool house, etc etc etc), so why is she being so weird now?

She’s also OVERSELLING how suspicious she is of Ezra (as evinced by this picture below)

You know what I am noticing?? In these episodes Ezra’s face is clean-shaven.  I wonder if ABC Family realized how creepy his “love story” with a student is, so they’re trying to make him look younger?  This show started FOUR YEARS AGO and their characters are seniors now, meaning that when he and Aria started having sex, she was 14, 15 MAX, and at that point Allison had been dead for a year SO ALLISON WAS MAX 13 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE AND EZRA STARTED DATING AND ALLISON TEASED HIM FOR EATING PIE WITH BEER.

What is WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?!  I am DISGUSTED by the fact that ABC Family is GLORIFYING this shit.

Ezra is also getting OUT OF HAND controlling.  They are at the cabin, and Aria asks him to drive her home.  He says “Maybe being torn between me and your friends is not such a bad thing….I know it feels like you’re growing away from them but maybe it’s me and you growing closer. If this is going to last then you have to start thinking of me being the person you’re closest to….”

I’m sorry WHAT?! That is the most manipulative thing to say! NO, it’s NOT NORMAL for you boyfriend to want to be the ONLY THING ON THE PLANET.  It’s eerily codependent and not “cute” or endearing.

OMG OMG OMG EZRA’S “A-LAIR” IS IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS CABIN! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you can’t see in the picture below is that Ezra’s hand is in his pants:

OMG OMG OMG OMG EZRA IS WATCHING ARIA SLEEP! OMG OMG OMG EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ezra is the world’s worst liar. “I–I’m just…really….glad…you’re here?”–He LITERALLY said it in that intonation! The show, in effort to make him appear hollow, has either ASKED him to look vacant and brain dead or that’s the actor’s face and I’m just now noticing it.

“My head feels like it’s full of hot ice cubes!“–>This is why I love Hannah.  Because she says nonsense gibberish like that. That is not even a saying. Go ahead. Google it. I’ll wait.

…………………

Did you do it?  Yeah, when you google it, PLL links come up. Because it’s completely unintelligible like most things Hannah says.

OK, so Allison spends THOUSANDS of dollars trying to get places to stay and resources because she is on the run. When she calls Shauna from the payphone, we see her perfectly manicured nails dialing the buttons. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE she would have more money if she wasn’t getting gel manicures and getting blow-outs (her hair is freshly done).  THIS IS WHY 13-16 year old runaways should go to the POLICE when they are running from someone or something! Their brains aren’t developed enough to handle REAL LIFE problems, let alone CRAZY-WORLD-WHERE-REALITY-IS-SUSPENDED problems!

NEXT WEEK’S PLL IS ALL BLACK AND WHITE AND FILM NOIRE! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  ALSO, I CALLED WREN COMING BACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!