PLL: She’s No Angel

We open with a strange girl who is filthy and in some sort of basement performing ballet that is very reminiscent of Sia’s music video for Elastic Heart. VERY similar dance. I wonder if it’s the same dancer. 

UPDATE: I was right! It is her!!!! It’s Maddie Ziegler!!

OMG Spencer’s open mouthed chewing is SO GROSS! Maybe it’s my mysophonia but that brief exaggerating chewing intended to show us how anxious Spencer is was the worst 10 seconds of TV!

“My mom just got back from Curves“–Spencer’s mom works out a gym that super popular in the late 90s?!!

Okay Sara is totally fake-talking on the phone! I don’t buy it! Her parents are probably dead!

Ew Spencer talking about/implying her horny teenaged sex with Toby is creepy.  The writers are telling us she’s on a stimulant (adderall or something), but don’t those drugs make you LOSE your appetite? Or is it the weed she bought? 

This show needs to STOP with the May/December romances. Hell, the May 1982/December 1996 romances! Lorenzo is clearly MUCH older than Ali and, I know I sound like a broken record but, ITS CREEPY! No more! Please, ABC Family! Just give us more age-appropriate love interests!

Why is Emily SO hell bent on protecting Sara over Aria?! Her obsession with helping Sara is clouding her judgement!

Why doesn’t Aria just ask to borrow the picture because she thinks she knows the person in it rather than steal ALL of Clark’s work?!!

Oh wait are those weed-cookies?? Is that why she wouldn’t share with Hannah? I’m so confused about the significance of these freaking cookies! 

Update: I looked at Twitter and those cookies are in fact weed cookies. And she left them with another recovering addict to throw away for her, thereby tempting him instead of herself! How selfish!

Is it just me or did makeup use too much brow filler on Emily:

  
EMILY DO NOT BE THE STEREOTYPE AND GET A JAPANESE TATTOO! Haven’t you ever seen the buzzfeed on exactly that?!

Sara is like an anxious little squirrel! Emily needs to let her go!

WHY IS EVERYONE ACCEPTING CHARLES AS DEAD?! They all thought Allison was dead for YEARS, then Mona and now Charles?! Y’all know he’s not dead, right?!!

The ending scene of A brushing a wig on a tennis ball is supposed to be eerie but it’s HILARIOUS:

  

PLL-Game On, Charles

Yesterday should have been the day I posted this, but I am traveling for work and I mixed up my time zones so I missed the airing 2 nights ago.  Still on a work trip and in a rental car, I spent the better part of last night lost trying to find my way back to the hotel.  So now I am FINALLY POSTING a BELATED RECAP to the SUMMER PREMIERE!  Why was that in call caps? I don’t know! I know nothing, Social Snow.

At the top we start with a press conference starring Ali begging for privacy.  Did the reporter just say FOURTEEN girls???! Did A steal more?! DID I MISS SOMETHING?!

A few things off the bat struck me.  When Hannah uses the word “facetiously” Emily says “Wow Hannah, that’s an eleven letter word”.

I must be missing something because 1) that’s a really unnecessary and snide comment to make when you’ve been in this man-made prison for 3 weeks! 2) Emily’s math is NOT that good! I don’t buy it!

During the scene where the girls wake up undressed I hope you all were as creeped out as I was because WHO THE FRACK UNDRESSED THEM!? The girls seemed unperturbed by their lack of clothes and simply checked their bodies for wounds evidencing organ harvesting.  They were not concerned at all about Charlie’s Josh Duggaresque actions!

I want to know what the girls see when they go into their own rooms.  From looks on their faces and their reactions, the witnessed something graphically disturbing.  Maybe they saw their parents….nope, not gonna think about it! Moving on…..

ANDREW CAMPBELL is the prime suspect?!  Remember last season when I said he might be A? Oh you don’t remember? Good thing I hyperlinked it HERE FOR YOU! I called it! #PWNED

I don’t know who I just owned by predicting something so predictable but it felt good to say it. Now the question is, if he IS A, is he really Charlie or is he working WITH Charlie? Or is he fronting the money?

OMG THESE GIRLS ARE SO DUMB! SO MANY idiotic things happen that make me think they really have no sense of self preservation!

So they get into Charlie’s lab and instead of looking for internet access, phone, landline something to signal for help, they decide burning his stuff in the enclosed space in which they are standing would be a good idea. Nevermind, the carbon monoxide! Screw suffocation! Let’s “mess” with Charlie! Then Emily, realizing Charlie didn’t care, was like “let’s throw a blanket on the fire!”

Emily, you should have thought of that before! Between your letter counting off the top of your head, your college acceptances, and your killer dance moves,  you should be the one to stop the girls from doing stupid things. Or dance your way out!

At this point in the episode I’m waiting for them to die.  THEN Spencer holds a doll up to the camera and says “Give us Mona back!”

GIVE US MONA BACK!? You finally have a tool to bribe your captor, the one who has control of your life and you use it to ask him to BRING ANOTHER CAPTIVE BACK!? Why not ask for your freedom?!! ASK FOR YOUR FREEDOM YOU STUPID GIRLS!

This other person in the dungeon, we later find out is Sarah Harvey, I was convinced it was Charlie in a wig….whoops!

The ending was surprisingly revealing! We got to see the girls reconnected with their significant others and Mona…stand alone awkwardly!  So is it safe to assume that Aria and Andrew are over? Probably not, remember when we thought Ezra was A and then they got back together? Yeah, with this show ANYTHING can happen!

UPDATE:  I was not the only one who heard “fourteen” instead of “four teen girls”! Apparently this was something a lot of people heard but rest assured, she said FOUR teen girls.

PLL: The Melody Lingers On

Oh boy, let me begin by saying that my AC is broken and where I am, my home is a balmy 81 degrees and gettin’ warmer (the how is beyond me), so my brain may be scrambled by the end of this episode (although it usually is anyways).

Did Hannah’s incriminating blood come from the blood drive? Is the moral of the story “Don’t Donate Blood!”?!

“I don’t like the idea of 12 strangers off the street deciding what happens“-Has Allison’s dad lived in the US ever? Does he not understand the role of a jury? Has he not listened to SERIAL!?

Dude Aria’s new guy is a psycho! I mean, even if he THINKS the world is better off without Mona, he certainly shouldn’t intimate that aloud!

Ohhhh fancy transition from Rain with Emily to Allison in the prison shower!  Also, whenever I see a dramatic shower transition I think of that scene in The Craft where the bully is showering and her hair is falling out because the girls (particularly, Rachel True) cursed her.

“I can see something running around behind her eyes”

Ahhh I love Caleb! He’s amazing! Visiting his lawless lady in prison!  I like that the girls aren’t heavily made-up in prison to look unrealistically beautiful and primped.

Ohhh a creepy call from Varjack playing a french song! Intrigue! Mystery! SIIIIIIKKKEEEEE I stopped caring a lonnngg time ago about who is behind the calls, texts, etc!

WHY IS JASON SUDDENLY SPEAKING WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT?!! Also, he needs to blink 300% more often, I feel like his eyes are going to dry out with all of his hard staring at Spencer!

“Forbid?! That’s a big, hefty, 19th Century word!”-Spencer, do you know what forbid means? How could you possibly think that’s an outdated term? You are a MINOR and your mother can FORBID you from doing things if she so wishes, goshdarnit! #bighefty19thcenturyword

Mona’s murder tape sounds….ah…interesting? I will let you use your imagination! Anyways, this trial is intense! Not really, though.

WAIT, YES! Hannah’s mom and Jason boning is GOING TO COME OUT IN TRIAL! PLOT TWIST! The state is accusing him of taking sex from Hannah’s mom in exchange for a different testimony! I mean, we all know she’s done stuff like that before so it would not be shocking at ALL.

“Most ladies in the congregation manage to pull the news straight out of the atmosphere…it’s pretty amazing.”-Cool story, bro.

Mona’s house is boarded up but inside there’s creepy music playing and suddenly the door is unlocked? NO! DON’T GO INSIDE! Haven’t they seen EVERY horror movie ever!? NEVER GO UPSTAIRS!

Aw I love Hannah’s optimism! “Who knows, maybe I’ll write a book, lots of people write books in prison!”Oh but Hannah you do NOT want your mother’s DNA! There are ways to get what you want or need without having sex with every man you come across!

“It’s like those signs in parking lots, ‘backing up causes severe tire damage’.”–WHAT SIGNS ARE YOU REFERRING TO!? I have never seen these signs! THAT SIGN IS NOT A THING IN THE DRIVING WORLD!

What the frack is “BooBoo’s Ice Cream”?!  Why is Paul Varjack being shredded?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?

So this episode was a HUGE DUD!  I know that it’s really a necessary filler episode before the finale where there’s allegedly going to be a reveAl but really, they couldn’t make this better?!  Between Jason’s alarmingly unblinking stare and Caleb thinking about dipping out, I am VERY dissatisfied!

PLL: To Plea or Not to Plea

Allison’s attorney is 10000% a LaToya Jackson impersonator on the weekends!

TAKE THE PLEA, ALLISON! ALWAYS TAKE THE PLEA! Did Adnan Syed teach you NOTHING?!

MELISSAAAAA IS BAAAAACK! Yes! I love having her on the show!

My dream scenario is that Melissa is A and she plots to torture Spencer because Spencer is a skank who steals Melissa’s men. That is how the show should end!

“Sometimes relationships run their course…especially with you, Spencer, you slore-bag-man-stealer!” Obviously I added some colorful language to Melissa’s lines.

Do y’all know what I realized tonight? Emily makes the face below EVERY time she is expressing fear or anxiety which is 99% of the time:

Those are some crazy-ass eyes, Em, cool it or your eyes will get stuck that way!

“Isn’t that what sisters are supposed to do? Share clothes and makeup tips?”- Melissa is too generous, Spencer deserves none of that stuff!

Side note, after a devastating divorce between Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries and Torrey DeVitto (Melissa), she is back on the dating scene!

“Hannah, I’m your mother, it’s my job to protect you!“–Sorry mom, but you can’t f*ck your way out of every problem in your daughter’s life! Particularly not conspiracy to murder type of problems.

This episode is soooooo slow! I need more dialogue! More action! MORE, I tells ya!

OMG a judge issued a warrant for Hannah’s arrest! Ahhhhhhhh! Hannah is going to go on lam! Ahhhh!

Hannah is going to tell Tanner about A! Do you think Tanner will believe her?  BTW Caleb is an amazing boyfriend and the other girls should try to find someone like him!

Ohhhh so A has magical powers and can hack into EVERYONE’S phones all at once and delete all of their messages from A?  I 10000% don’t buy it!

Ohhhh Aria is giving Ezra the break-up talk? But I thought HE broke up with HER when he told her to go to college and be single and have fun.  This is going to be super awkward….

Whoever A is, it’s someone who wants these girls to suffer long, torturous lives rather than killing them off one-by-one.  So whomever this is it’s someone who is holding a grudge against these teenaged children for something they must have done when the show first started, aka when they were 14-15.  This person is a psychopath who really needs to take a page out of Princess Elsa’s book!

We are two episodes away from the big ReveAl! I am guessing that absolutely nothing will happen!

PLL: Pretty Isn’t the Point

The title of this episode sounds like something a disenchanted pretty girl says in a rom-com where the pretty girl and the nerd have to swap lives for a day and the pretty girl is explaining to the nerd how “pretty isn’t the point, I want people to see me for me!”

It’s the beginning of the episode and I already digress! That does not bode well for us….

Riveting revelation, Aria’s brother has jock itch!

“Mike is stealing our stem cells“–Hannah, unless there is a secret abortion that you forgot to tell us about, had a baby and saved the cord, or something else expensive and implausible, then Mike most certainly does NOT have your stem cells!

“It’s Morse code, I’ve seen it online!”-Shut up, Spencer, no one cares what kind of weird porn you’re into!

“Do you just wake up this beautiful?“-Creepy, older woman says as she kisses Emily.

Mike and Emily interaction (miscommunication):

Mike: “Can I get two cups of coffee?”

Emily: “Sure, do you want a pastry?”

Mike: “No they’re both for me”

MIKE, THAT DOESN’T ANSWER THE QUESTION, DO YOU WANT A F*CKING PASTRY WITH THAT?!

Spencer’s barn-mate is so weird….I stopped listening temporarily but he said he ate a pink fish taco in his sleep?!!!

Ughhhh and he’s dissing Toby in Italian after making a poor Hogwarts joke? NO! ONLY I GET TO DISS TOBY!

“There has to be a better way to get into college…than getting judged like a heifer at a 4-inch fair!”-Caleb, you are dating someone with a previous weight problem and eating disorder! You cannot throw around quadrupeds like that!

Juiced-out-Mike is P.O.-ed at Aria! “If you touch any of things again you will live to regret it!“

Well that was probably the best that could go, right? I mean, she is going to LIVE to regret it, so really it’s an empty threat….

TALIA (Emily’s girlfriend)’s husband comes by and says “I know what’s going on with you and Talia, you don’t have to feel weird. If she needs to experiment and have a one-time thing I can live with that cause I love her and I expect to be doing that way longer than anyone else.”

That sounds like a threat to me! It sounds like he will be the only one to ever love Talia forever and no one else can have her and things are going to get dark for Emily!

Mike is shoving things in tree-holes…I assume messages for A.

AHHHHHH A DANCE SEQUENCE WITH HANNAH AND EMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Whoa wait, TOBY, PROBABLE CAUSE?!?!! Don’t open the trunk, Barn Boy! HE NEEDS PROBABLE CAUSE!

This dance sequence with the pageant judge is making me so, so uncomfortable. I want to hug Hannah but also slap her….

“You’re not pageant material.”-What!?  Isn’t this lady just her coach? Hannah can find another one!

Is Talia trolling high schools for young bait?!

Emily: “How’d you find me?”

Talia: “Your mom told me”

Police: “We discovered your teenaged daughter’s body after her married love confessed to stalking and killing her.”—->This last part is how I imagine this relationship will end.

“Is that your blood?!”-Words you never want to hear a boyfriend say….

“[Her blood] was all I had left of her.” -Words you never want your boyfriend to say.

A is definitely a girl or a really weak guy because A goes into Mike’s room to CURL 7lb weights and stop after 3 reps. Woof.

PLL: Out Damned Spot

Cmon, now the titles are just gibberish!

Do the writers even try anymore?! No, I know, the answer is no. Why do I bother asking? BECAUSE, I expect growth from everyone, including, might I add, these characters who have been in high school for 5 years…

Um why is everyone taking Emily’s cookies? And not in a sexual sense, they are literally taking cookies from her! They’re going to give her an eating disorder…..which might actually be a new plot twist.

WHAT IS IN THE COOKIES?! Mike (Aria’s rarely seen brother) came to the blood drive to steal cookies?! I guess plot twists are getting few(er) and far(ther) in between.

WHO IS THIS GUY that Aria is copying off of? Did they pick him up off of Jump 21 Street?!!? HE’S A NARC! HE’S AT LEAST 34!

Update: After writing this I looked him up, he was born in 1988 so fine, I concede that he’s not in his early 30s, he’s in his late 20s….

I have never heard of someone being denied financial aid.  Even my friends whose parents were extremely wealthy received financial aid. I know Rory didn’t get financial aid but that made sense, her mom got a huge chunk of money from her inheritance, that shows lack of need.

THE OUTFIT! GUYS! ON BARN GUY! JUST, ARG, JUST LOOK:

Acid washed cut-off denim vest over a camouflage hoodie….ack!

TALIA IS MARRIED!?!?! TWIIIISTTTTT!  See, young Emily, this is what happens when you date an ADULT, they might be secretly married!  Date your own age….actually, that goes for ALL of you young ladies! And while I’m at it, COVER UP! You’re going to school, not work at a brothel!

Sorry, I needed  say that.

Of course Spencer had to fall into this new, crazy-eyed man’s arms and feel something. Let me remind you that she and Toby are STILL together, they never officially broke up! You’re not Ross and Rachael, you cannot push those boundaries and think it will be okay!

27-year old high schooler looked at Aria’s texts when ever-so-slowly handing over her phone….a move that I have actually pulled quite often (sorry friends, family, etc to whom I have done this)….seeing it acted out I realize that it’s not quite as smooth as I thought it was.  I need a new snooping-move….but back to the show.

Dr Horton from Days of Our Lives (aka Hannah’s dad) is BACK! YESSSSSS!  His aged and weathered face is a reminder of both my own age and mortality in general.

See, this is why my dad should have taught me to drive a manual car, because then I could chase my little brother who is stealing blood from the blood bank to (I assume) sell to vampires at the local Rosewood sleazy-bar! That should be a new show! The spinoff! They can call it Ravensblood (RIP RavenSwood).

WAIT, IS MIKE ACTUALLY DOING UNDER-COVER-BIKER-PORN!?  Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous that Aria will find out! And it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility with this how.

melissahastings@ptmaisls.com ?! THAT is her fake email? That sounds like an older, foreign person (I can say that, I’m foreign…actually sounds like my mom) asking about checking email–“I vant to check emails, yes? Much like?”
Ahhh I think I have to send it an email, right!?

Okay done, email sent! Maybe Melissa will answer! Update: The email bounced back, BOOOO!

Ezra: “My parents…didn’t think I’d amount to much”

Hannah: “How’d it turn out”

Ezra: (what I wish he said) “Well look at me! I was on a great career track until I knowingly lied and took advantage of my 15 year old student, got a job teaching at university only to be demoted and never being able to hold a steady job, all due to ONE mistake–boning a veritable child for funsies. LEARN from my mistakes, Hannah! Have sex with people your own age!”

Also, not to sound like a total square but carrying blood around in your pocket is very unhygienic, Mike.  You don’t know what these girls have!

“You are like the queen of not helping!“-Spencer is 1000% a FRENEMY! Shut up, Spencer, at least Hannah got into college (buuuuurrrnnnnnn!)

So now A is a millionaire, blood spatter analyst, DNA expert master manipulator. Just making sure we all understand.

Ahhh we end with a preview of Hannah’s dance routine for the pageant! Yayy! Until next week!

 

 

PLL-Ehhhhh

“I know why he joined the police force-I encouraged him”-Um Spencer, you most certainly did not! Did you forget when you told him “You cant up and be a cop!“   Oh, you don’t remember?  Good thing I do and good thing I documented it! You 10000% discouraged him!

 

“That’s pretty passive aggressive”-Spencer says about Hollbrook being back in town. I sometimes wonder if people know what passive aggressive means.  A detective coming back to town is not passive at all, and if it’s at all aggressive it’s just that, no passivity there.  Sorry, Spencer, but yet again, you are wrong!  I don;t know why I am on a big anti-Spencer kick today…..

This new guy is a CREEP! Does anyone else feel like he’s sporting a comb over that producers are using to make him look young and hip when he’s secretly 43??  Look at this guy’s face and hair! He’s definitely over 40!

Spencer is so fucking bossy, YOU go talk to Leslie b*tch! Quit telling Hannah what to do!

Spencer is sitting there bossing Hannah around, telling Aria what to do, and b*tching  about how she’s so annoyed that she got into a bunch of colleges, boo freaking hoo! I really dislike Spencer, the writers have made her the least likable character on this show.  How are we supposed to feel bad for a girl who comes from money, gets what she wants and gets into a bunch of awesome colleges while her friends’ lives are falling apart?

“Most girls have trouble keeping two thgouhts in their mind at the same time, but Mona was thinking every second”—WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE F*CK!?!?!? This Leslie chick is straight up sexist and that comment is insulting! It makes me think of Leslie Knope’s hunting snafu.

“How does anybody get together with anybody?”–Deep thoughts brought to you by Emily.

So this creepy new guy…let’s call him Father Time. Father Time created this machine that lets you listen in on conversations across the coffeeshop.  How much shall we bet that A will use this device to 1. listen to the girls or 2. mess with them?

Father Time: “If you were really impressed you’d buy me coffee…” Spencer giggles coquettishly. That is NOT okay! This guy just got paid by Ezra (he said $200) and he’s living in their family’s carriage house and he’s asking HER to buy HIM coffee?  IS CHIVALRY SO DEAD THAT MEN NO LONGER AT LEAST PRETEND TO SPLIT THE BILL?!?!?

Is Aria’s brother threatening to kill her?? “Be careful going home through the woods,” he says in a tone that tells the view he is not at all concerned about her safety!

“Barking up the wrong henchman”- Mixing metaphors there, Hannah!

Pretty Little Liars-Through a Glass, Darkly

Is the title of this episode a reference to the 2006 Keanu Reeves’ movie A Scanner, Darkly?  Are we going to see a loss of identity, undercover cops?

The new episode starts with Mona’s funeral.  I am confused as to the leis….

OMG MONA’S MOM SLAPPED ALLI, SUPER HARD! OMG! I love it! Allison looks displeased….ruh roh guys, I smell trouble…..

Hannah is such an amazing girl. She’s doing Mona’s mom’s dishes and cleaning!  You know, Hannah is the moral compass, comedic relief and just best character on this show.

Mona’s mom hands Hannah a stuffed dog and says “Hannah…I want you to take care of this.”  Is Mona’s mom having some sort of psychotic break or is that dog stuffed with a hidden camera because she’s secretly a pervert that wants to watch Hannah change at home (seriously, with this show, anything is possible).

I’m sorry, Toby being a cop is comical!  He’s sitting here talking to Detective Liz Cruz (Nip/Tuck fans get that reference) and hypothesizing murder theories and she’s acting like he revealed some amazing information….really, as my mom would say about a young looking person “His breath still smells of breastmilk.” (meaning he’s a baby and looks like it…it sounds more legit in farsi, I swear!)

Aria was rejected from Oberlin…sad, the world just lost their next Lena Dunham!

Allison, “You don’t have to do that–run from me.”  Allison must be bonkers if she thinks the girls should trust her.  Should we go through the list of things she has done to lose trust (faking her own death, seducing a college student named Ezra, extorting adults for money, paying people off for confessions….she’s a real C U Next Tuesday, if ya get me).

Ohhh I forgot Aria’s brother was dating Mona!!!!! He has grown so much!

What is this creepy indoor mausoleum??! Is everyone in Rosewood buried there??  Why is the old lady sniffing the “grave”? WHY IS SHE SNIFFING IT?!

Old lady takes Mona’s stuffed toy and smiles “Little bunchy…that’s his name” Did I hear that right??

Spencer is begging Jason DiLaurentis for help, “I know she’s your sister, but so am I!”-Dang I keep forgetting these little tidbits like Spencer’s dad’s affair.

Wait is there a magical component of the mausoleum?!  There is a ghostly wind!! Ahhhhh! Roses are dying at once! THERE IS MAGIC ON PLL!!!!!!!!!!!  Why isn’t Hannah freaking out?!

” Aria your Sudoku prowess doesn’t exactly qualify you to help out with this kind of stuff.” Someone needs to tell Caleb how hacking works (hint, it is unrelated to Sudoku).

Why is Aria acting like Oberlin is basically the easiest school to get into?? She’s SO SURPRISED that she didn’t get in that she thinks it could be due in part to A? No, you didn’t get in because all you do is pretend to be a detective and sleep with men who are legally off limits, then you can’t pretend your lack of studying is an injustice!

“That camera was pointed right at it, it must have seen what happened!” –Emily, just because a camera “sees” something, it does not mean that it’s recording the event.  It needs to be on and recording to capture the moment, not just pointed right at it.

Mrs. Grunwald! That’s the old lady’s name! Huh, I don’t remember her having a name before this episode….

Wow, the camera captured Mona’s murder! It shows a girl with long blonde hair attacking Mona, aka Allison aka Jason LIED!

Whoa Allison isn’t even denying it! Ahhhhh she’s getting arrested!

Wait Paige is leaving because of Allison? Why did I forget that? I thought she was going to college??

PLL: Holiday Special

Is Hannah’s character clinically retarded now? She’s confusing court jesters with the word gesture?!

This is Joey-syndrome (90s kids get props for remembering this!)!

And everyone laughs like Hannah is soooooo silly! She needs attention and probably an assisted living nurse

“Wishes don’t come true, otherwise people wouldn’t die!” Hannah

“I’d rather dance on dead monkeys than go to Alli’s ball.” Aria, why would you even say that? That’s really selfish!

Mona has legal “affairs”? She’s 17!!!! What’s 17 year old had affairs!!!!! Did she have a will?!! Lies! If you were her parents wouldn’t you just open it and toss it, thinking it was just a silly game and I had a whole funeral to plan and my life was over.

Did Aria ask the Santa for a snow globe and he HAPPENED to give one with their faces in it that A planted?! NO! This is not how real life works!

Toby is in a leg cast looking through a camera on zoom! How Hitchcock of the writers! Tryin to class up the joint, I see. Although, this show is so vapid that I’m sure they’re accidentally making a Disturbia reference.

High school students dressing as sexy Santa for foreplay is just flat out gross. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer sexy santas as kittens or puppies and not sexy, just santas.

Alli’s mini-me says “This blows, let’s get out of here, losers!” What 9 year-old talks like that??

“Mean girls stay mean.” Truer words have never been spoken (unless you count that time I was eating chocolate cake and screamed “CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST CREATION ON THE PLANET!“)

“I think my mom is still watching out for me.” Allison are you on CRACK?! That bitch hated you!

Why did Hannah have to run the Jack-in-the-box….alone….in the dark? Does she WANT to die of a heart attack?!!

Wait isn’t Toby a rookie cop?! Doesn’t he have a gun?! WHY DOESNT HE GUN DOWN THE KILLED ?! Stop using the flash on your SLR AND GUN THAT MAN DOWN!!

This episode ends with the most DISTURBING image in my a “family” show EVER! A teacher and his students (Toby being a past student) posing nearly nude for their lovers ALL TOGETHER?!! EWWWWW

PLL: A Dark Ali

A has now somehow paid (I’m assuming paid, right? That’s how voluntary sentences work?) this guy to lie and say he was the one who did the fictitious kidnapping?  HOW MUCH MONEY DOES A HAVE??

Ezra being A made the most sense because he had the Fitzgerald or whatever bullshit name’s family money!  Now I am confused!

If I were Allison I would just say “yup, that’s the guy!” He’s clearly getting paid by A, it’s time to call A’s bluff!

Aria hands her depressed mother a plate of food that she ceremoniously presents as “You’re favorite-pesto and mozzarella!”

She then hands her mother something that is most certainly NOT pesto and mozzarella-it’s some sort of thin, measly sandwich with a side of grapes and chips.  Aria needs a cooking lesson if she thinks that’s peso and mozzarella anything

 

 

I love Melissa! She’s awesome!

Wait Aria says “The truth doesn’t amount to much when it’s coming from a bunch of liars.”-Aria, that’s just not true. Don’t hurt your brain trying to think too hard, but when you have witnesses and the dead person is clutching a weapon at the crime scene, you should be okay.

CHAD LOWE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYY!

What the frack is this random scene of the Hannah and Mona watching each other while singing scales? Why does Mona give Hannah a knowing look like she’s saying “oh yeah, biotch, my scales are soooooo swol, yours need to lift and get more swol.” –That’s what the look said, right?

Why did this guy attack Allison just to cut her on the leg and nothing more?  I’m so confused!

ALSO, is the show implying that this man once raped her????

So wait, now that Aria believed Hannah, Hannah is no longer boozy and suddenly she’s totally okay?  That’s a dramatic upturn in a downward spiral.

Wait what does Allison’s dad do for a living? He drives a nice car! MAYBE HE IS A?!

Ohhhhh Emily is “so done with you,” Allison! Ohhhhhh buuuuuurnnnnnn biotch! DONE! Your biggest advocate is DONE with you!

Now it’s Caleb’s turn to give the after school special talk. He also had a “Bacon calzone”. WTF is a BACON calzone?! Isn’t bacon a breakfast or BLT meat?!  Huh. I can’t decide how I feel about that.

SPENCER IS THE VOICE OF REASON!  Not gonna lie, I don’t hate Spencer this episode.

FINALLY these girls are doing the smart thing and cutting ties with Allison! They should have done this from the beginning.

What? Allison paid Cyrus to make the confession? What? Cyrus is implying that they had consensual sex? WHAT?! Is this Allison’s twin?  I’m SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, Melissa is making some confession, who cares, WHY DO I STILL WATCH THIS SHOW?!