The Gloves Are On

“We’re here to chill not spill“-Hannah those two things go hand-in-hand, m’dear!

Um Sara is at the spa chillin’, too!

How stupid is Hannah, she deleted the exact recordings that were necessary, now her mom might lose her job and the police are looking into this! Ahhhh! Hannah you are so dumb. For real.

Silver jag? Didn’t Mad Men teach us that Jaguars are shitty cars?

Wait Spencer suddenly has a desire to tell the truth?  ALL she has done for 4 years is LIEEEE and now suddenly she be like “nah i’m good, imma be unnecessarily honest, tnx”

“I know you like to shop out of other people’s carts….maybe you’re more comfortable with lying than you think”-MELISSAAAAAA IS BACK and Spencer just got rekt.

Spencer IS the worst and Melissa knows better than anyone how much Spencer likes other women’s men!

“Ezra there’s some horrifying images”-Aria on the contents of Ezra’s thumb drive. Um. What? Where is this going? Is Ezra a pedo now? How horrifying can the images be?!  ARIA YOU BETTER HAVE SCREENSHOTTED THAT SHIT!

“Ezra likes small women get a grip!“-So are we getting a clue as to those horrifying images….

This is what Aria found on Ezra’s thumbdrive:

“I think you need to relax”-Reporter says this to Spencer, truer words have never been spoken.

“I’ve heard of inner-circles but leaving your daughter out, that’s cold.”-This reporter is my favorite, after Queen Melissa of course!

WHA?! Emily spent ALL THE MONEY her dad left her!? And now Emily is donating her eggs!? SHIT IS HEAVY! Like this is legit stuff people consider when they go broke. Wow. I can’t decide if I am proud of the show for keeping this situation real or disappointed because my expectations are fantasy-level-unrealistic. What’s next, Emily finding out ways to refinance her leftover student loans? Signing up for obamacare?

Lucas is lying a lot for Hannah, despite his poor automotive choice he’s a good guy!

“Honest? You are not asking me to change your grade you are asking me to confess to murder.“-Ezra, changing grades isn’s exactly cool either, bro.

I love that when Ezra yells at the women who intruded into his home accusing him of murder, they act incredibly victimized and scared. Like really, what did y’all expect?

Wait but really, did Ezra just confess to killing Charles/Charlotte or is he saying he’s just happy that she’s dead??!

AHHHHH SPENCER AND CALEB?! NOOOOO! GROSS! NOOOOOO! WHY IS HE CARESSING HER!?!?! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

PLL: Charlotte’s Web

Whoa, why is everyone making Aria feel shitty about getting back to work?? Hannah needs to pull back the attitude!

Aria probably did something with Ezra and is trying to flee by making work an excuse.

WAIT EMILY’S DAD DIED!?!?! OH shit! I didn’t realize that! I am guessing it was referenced last episode with that military thing in their window but I did not know what that was.  God I thought previous episodes of this show were dark, but this season is real and dark.

Hannah’s man is British? Ohhhh intrigue! His accent is awful, is this actor american??

Update: He is not British! He’s Australian.

OH I was right, Aria DID sneak out to see Ezra! I knew it! I don’t know why I am so impressed with myself as though I solved the ending of True Detective Season 1, but I am proud of myself!

Did anyone cringe when Allison said grace at the table? Yikes, that was so awkward….

Ohhhhh what did Emily have an appointment for at Hollis? For her pill addiction? Fingers crosseed! The show’s creator said:

“It’s a big part of her storyline. What she’s hiding is definitely her biggest storyline of the season. It’s one big secret tied into two secrets. Two of her secrets are folding into the giant, bigger secret.”

Let me lay out the cards now, I think Emily has diabetes and is trying to hide it from her mom to protect her!

Did Caleb and Spencer hook up?? Or will they? OR BOTH!?

Shit y’all, Ezra is DARK. Between Ezra, Emily’s dad, Emily’s addiction/illness, Charlotte’s murder, and Sara this season is dark AF! What is happening? Do teen girls like this new season? I feel like it’s less relatable than prior seasons.

HANAH deleted evidence before hopping into bed with her Aussie-Not-British-Beau! I mean I guess it’s not evidence yet but it will be! That was cute when you were 17 Hannah, but you’re 22 now so you really, really need to think about the consequences of your actions (getting charged as an adult will suck a lot more than as a minor).

OMG MELISSA IS BACK NEXT EPISODE! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Melissa is my fav! Spencer is the worst and I cannot wait to have her back to give it to Spencer for totally boning (or trying to bone) Caleb!

 

PLL: To Plea or Not to Plea

Allison’s attorney is 10000% a LaToya Jackson impersonator on the weekends!

TAKE THE PLEA, ALLISON! ALWAYS TAKE THE PLEA! Did Adnan Syed teach you NOTHING?!

MELISSAAAAA IS BAAAAACK! Yes! I love having her on the show!

My dream scenario is that Melissa is A and she plots to torture Spencer because Spencer is a skank who steals Melissa’s men. That is how the show should end!

“Sometimes relationships run their course…especially with you, Spencer, you slore-bag-man-stealer!” Obviously I added some colorful language to Melissa’s lines.

Do y’all know what I realized tonight? Emily makes the face below EVERY time she is expressing fear or anxiety which is 99% of the time:

Those are some crazy-ass eyes, Em, cool it or your eyes will get stuck that way!

“Isn’t that what sisters are supposed to do? Share clothes and makeup tips?”- Melissa is too generous, Spencer deserves none of that stuff!

Side note, after a devastating divorce between Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries and Torrey DeVitto (Melissa), she is back on the dating scene!

“Hannah, I’m your mother, it’s my job to protect you!“–Sorry mom, but you can’t f*ck your way out of every problem in your daughter’s life! Particularly not conspiracy to murder type of problems.

This episode is soooooo slow! I need more dialogue! More action! MORE, I tells ya!

OMG a judge issued a warrant for Hannah’s arrest! Ahhhhhhhh! Hannah is going to go on lam! Ahhhh!

Hannah is going to tell Tanner about A! Do you think Tanner will believe her?  BTW Caleb is an amazing boyfriend and the other girls should try to find someone like him!

Ohhhh so A has magical powers and can hack into EVERYONE’S phones all at once and delete all of their messages from A?  I 10000% don’t buy it!

Ohhhh Aria is giving Ezra the break-up talk? But I thought HE broke up with HER when he told her to go to college and be single and have fun.  This is going to be super awkward….

Whoever A is, it’s someone who wants these girls to suffer long, torturous lives rather than killing them off one-by-one.  So whomever this is it’s someone who is holding a grudge against these teenaged children for something they must have done when the show first started, aka when they were 14-15.  This person is a psychopath who really needs to take a page out of Princess Elsa’s book!

We are two episodes away from the big ReveAl! I am guessing that absolutely nothing will happen!

Pretty Little Liars: Bin of Sin

So these girls are assuming that Mona’s body is in that barrel, hmm? I mean, I know this is Pretty Little Liars and it can dark but if that’s true, that’s 1. a rip off from Breaking Bad and 2. DARK! Like, REALLY DARK!

Wait, Caleb’s alibi for Hannah is dismissed as “they’ll just think you’re lying”?  If I have learned anything from Serial it’s that one witness can do anything and everything in a murder case!  That was just the writers backtracking and hoping the viewers just believe it.

This new chick is into Ezra! She made him pecan pie! And left a note on it! I can’t decide if she’s into Ezra, Emily or if she has a really poor sense of boundaries.

“You have been a cop for all of 6 minutes and you have the nerve to investigate your superior?” YES! Finally, someone putting these kids in their place!

Aria is showing Ezra her letter! As her elder I would hope that Ezra would be mature and understand why Aria wrote that letter and that her future matters. But this is a show based on nonsense with a need for dramatic arcs so this will just be one of them!

WAIT, CALEB isn’t going to help Hannah?! He’s a former wild-child-criminal, he knows what to do!!!!

Whoaaaa, Hannah knows her criminal lingo! She even uses the term “burner phone“!

You know what I love about this show, by the way? That when I DVR it, it’s an hour but when I fast forward commercials it’s only about 35 minutes!  It’s great!

Soooo, after a one-night stand Jason wants to DATE Hannah’s mom? He’s asking why she doesn’t wear an engagement ring and questioning her relationship! Dang homie, cool it, k?  You had relations with Hannah’s mom, so has every of-age man in Rosewood! You’re NOT SPECIAL JASON!

Toby as a cop is kinda dick, yo….I don’t like it! And I didn’t know I could dislike Toby more!

I am not sure where Emily and Spencer are, underground somewhere? Under the storage place, but why? As I often do, I tuned out….But the director made a point of zooming in on Freeze Dried Almonds…ominous almonds! Oh no!

Oh wait, their voices aren’t coming from above, they are coming from the same room! A left them a free tablet! Cool! Thanks, A!

So last week Caleb was almost burned to death and this week Aria and Spencer almost freeze to death?  I think A has a thing for extreme temperatures, maybe he/she is aroused by it? Who knows with A…..I now imagine A as some middle-aged man, a millionaire from creating his own video game, sitting at a computer fapping away at his these tricks he plays on teen girls…

Ezra:  “I remember how excited I was to go to [college]…the letter…rang true for a reason”

Aria: “Yeah, because I’m a good writer.”

Ezra: ——AWKWARD SILENCE——

Yo, ARIA, YOU GOT BURNNNNNNNED!

Soooo Ezra NOW wants to break up with Aria so that she can have a “real college experience”?  It sounds to me like he wants a new, younger, more illegal model….like another freshman in high school.

I think this girl at the coffeeshop is going to hit Emily….she’s weird, stares too much without blinking, cooking for Emily, etc…

Ahhhh so the new girl is into Emily! They kind of look alike, right?

Spencer and Toby are probably going to break up, guys….She thinks her little posse of friends>his career…smh high school kids, first her then Aria? Time for PLL: The College Years!

Pretty Little Liars: Over A Barrel

Do these girls go to school?  Maybe the reason Aria didn’t get into college is because these girls are always at coffeeshops or trying to solve murder mysteries!  GO STUDY! Do something related to your academics!

Where is this coffeeshop that coffee is only FIFTY CENTS?!  Is it 1991 again!?  I want coffee shops to only charge 50 cents!

Okay, the register printing Aria’s letter? I mean, are we even going to discuss this? Or should we just file this in the “stupid things that would never happen” folder a la Days of Our Lives when Marlena was possessed by the devil.

Wait the chick that Ezra hired to cater his party is now working at Emily’s coffeeshop?!?! Or did Ezra buy the entire coffeeshop and I missed it because apparently he owns it now?

Johnny is going to live in the barn and he pays his rent in coins….cool…he also looks like a character from Buffy circa 1998 with that short sleeved plaid shirt over his long sleeved shirt.

Also, the new tenant says to Spencer “So your boyfriends a cop?” and she replied “Yeah…he wasn’t always….”

Huh? Of course he wasn’t always a cop, no one was “always” their professional career…was that worth saying? That was such an awkward way to end the scene! Spencer says that, shoves her hands into her pocket and the scene lasts another second or two, then cuts abruptly.

Pastor Ted is back and has to meet with Hannah? Ohhhh is she going to tell on her mom for sleeping with Jason DiLaurentis?!

Jason looks creepy/weird as hell with a beard….what is going on with his facial hair??!

“You’re talking about 1017 aren’t you, that smell, ugh! They ought to do something about it, it’s really unsanitary!” That is the writers’ way of weaving a random 3rd party, Mrs. Horowitz, to tell Spencer that basically there’s a dead body in that unit.

#WhatsInTheBarrel just flashed on the screen! I have seen enough Breaking Bad to know what a yellow suit and a barrel mean! DEAD BODY IN ACID IS WHAT IT MEANS!

“So she’s either pickled or dissolved?” Caleb asks…..I don’t know about you guys but I am a very visual person and maybe it’s because I am battling a stomach bug but I gagged a LOT when he said that….barf….AHHH now I can’t get the image of pickled Mona out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE BROWNIES AND PIZZA AND 30 ROCK RERUNSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hannah’s mom is kind of a hoe…no judgement but dating a pastor and cheating with your daughter’s friend? Hoe, fo sho.

So we see Aria’s contact card with Ezra’s name and number….

Who else out there called that number?  Just me? K, cool, just so you know it’s an ATT directory service number, nothing exciting haha!

Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Unbridled

I am just so tired of this show, I can’t explain how exhausted I am by all of this nonsense.

I have decided to add some of my own thoughts into this episode in copious volumes. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much!

We open to Spencer in a wedding gown running through the woods, her veil getting stuck in the tumbleweed. The panicked look on her face tells me, “I need to get to the altar fast! Toby won’t marry me if I am covered in dirt! RIGHT?!! IS THAT WHAT THE METH SAID??! WAIT IS METH A PERSON? WHERE AM I? I LOVE PLAID AND BERETS!! YAY??!!”

Hanna is talking about Paige’s letter to the cops. When pointing out that it must be Paige, Hannah says
“It’s her handwriting and her stationary”……I’m sorry, Paige has her own stationary? Who is she, Brad Pitt?! OH, I’m sorry readers, did you not get that obscure reference?? (OVERLY DRAMATIC EYEROLL SEQUENCE followed by a knock in the head to jostle eyeballs back into place.)

Aria’s mom says to her: “Your father made it sound like you were hosting the rolling stones.” OH, I’M SO SORRY! I didn’t know that CHAD LOWE, brother of INFAMOUS-SEX-TAPE-WITH-A-MINOR-ROB-LOW had ANY right to comment on a girl’s promiscuity!

“I did it to protect you” The emotionally abusive girlfriend says.

“I guess a bridal show would bring up other issues like Ezra…and Maggie….and their son…” Aria’s mom says. Um, did I accidentally hit the remote and turn on TEEN MOM!?? Can your daughter graduate from HIGH SCHOOL before you mention WEDDINGS????????? SERIOUSLY?! Ugh!

Spencer’s sober coach is reading Love at First Fight….I am choosing to ignore what he says and ignore the wikipedia page, so I am going to come up with my own book synopsis:

Love at First Fight: This is the harrowing tale of a middle-aged man, Vernon, who finds his true calling in the bloodiest of all spectator sports, Cock Fighting. Unfortunately, on his first day, before he even got to ref his first game, a cock got loose and pecked his eyes out. That’s where he found love. Blinded what turned out to be a female bird, Vern learns what real love is and he learns that love truly is blind.

Spencer’s mom does a flashback in which SPENCER IS NOT PRESENT, then her mom, shocked, says “You don’t remember any of this??”

Oh, I’m sorry, Ma, was she SUPPOSED to somehow remember a flashback to a memory YOU possess in which she was not actually present?!?! ARE YOU ON METH, TOO?

Spencer to Jason: “Isn’t it funny that you and I always have more in common than you think” (Please say a mutual love of dramatic hats!!!!!!!!)

I digress. Isn’t it weird to have a bridal show modeled entirely by underaged teens? Is this the new Courtney Stodden bridal line?

Dude, wait, Aria’s mom is comparing her divorce (which involved her husband’s infidelity with a younger student [like father like daughter] and 2 kids) with Aria’s teenage romance gone awry? Way to make Aria think that her ridiculous relationship with her rapist was legit, MOM!

I’m still not entirely sure what Spencer was running from in the woods…..maybe I should pay more attention? Ugh that requires too much energy…….

Wait, Spencer’s corset was all human bones inside?? HOW DID SPENCER NOT NOTICE WHEN SHE PUT THE CORSET ON!??! Is that what your brain looks like on meth?? A bone-corset??

And really, is it THAT gross, Spencer? I mean, the bones are clean and everything. Jeez, way to be dramatic, meth-head.

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episodes 17+18

So my counting was off (hey, I’m in LAW school not MATH school), so my last blog numbering was aalll off.

Sorry for the hiatus, I was sick and then out of town but I am BACK and we have SO MUCH to discuss!

Episode 17-Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno

So last episode Meredith tried to KILL ARIA.

This episode, Aria’s dad calls Meredith’s father, who says his daughter might be “off her meds”–I consulted a REAL MEDICAL PSYCHIATRIST (ok, fine, my older sister, but she IS a psychiatrist, I just didn’t formally consult her….) and there is no medication that can change that level of CRAZY PSYCHO SCHEMING DRUGGING into an ordinary blonde.

There just isn’t, otherwise Heidi Montag would’ve taken it years ago (that reference might date me to my younger readers who comprise most of my readership).

Further disturbing about this ENTIRE relationship (besides the fact that Hillary Swank didn’t thank Chad Lowe when winning her Oscar) is that THEY AREN’T PRESSING CHARGES.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Ezra breaks up with Aria because of the whole Alex Mack (again, dating myself) hiding his 8 year old son.

Best part: he confronts Aria at her high school….where he left….because he was dating a then (and now??) 16 year old her…..

Wanna know what’s cray? If Aria and Ezra got married where the show is RIGHT NOW, frozen in time:

1. Ezra would need her parents permission because she is 16 because we have YET TO SEE any of the 4 protagonists celebrate a birthday beyond sweet 16.

2. Aria would be a stepmom to an 8-year old at 16.

-So apparently A sent Spencer the text from Aria….so how exactly, logistically speaking, did A do this? I mean I guess this isn’t TOTALLY crazy given the plot lines this show has tried to sell us before….ugh I don’t even care anymore…..I’m going to continue suspending my reality here….

OMG GUYS—in this episode, we find out Allison was PREGNANT at the time of her death. So, she died at 15 meaning she probably got pregnant at 14. WHERE did this 14 year old girl have time to have sex outside of all of her scheming, bribing, disguising, and stealing?????

–>THIS begs the question, WHERE WERE HER PARENTS?!

This show is turning out to be a cautionary tale to the viewers–if you have premarital sex, you WILL DIE!!

“Maybe if we stopped telling lies, A wouldnt have anything against us” –DAYUMMN SPENCER, wisdom-bomb!

BUT then Spencer fails because she is on her phone using 3G.  Who uses 3G anymore?  Does she also have a flip phone?? (unnecessarily dramatic eyeroll)

Honestly, though, Spencer displays some serious acting chops in this episode and I am impressed.

;

Episode 18- Dead to Me

-So, Allison’s body is going to be reburied in this mausoleum. I honestly have no idea why. They very well might have explained it for some hare-brained reason like A has a key to her crypt-keeper’s house and is threatening to stab his kids unless he makes a public scene to re-internment her. Who knows.

-Hannah has a GREAT IDEA to STEAL ITEMS from Allison’s coffin. Aria’s skeptical, although I am not sure why (click that link, the story is bananaramas!)

-Ezra’s brother, Wesley, is BACK! Again, I smell lust.

-Soooo, Caleb’s uncle just got weird and implied with a dramatic picture that Caleb is his child. He does this with a printed, SEPIA TONE picture that’s frayed at the edges. —

EVEN IF Caleb is 18, that picture is from 1995 at the LATEST–WE HAD COLOR PICTURES BACK THEN! NO ONE OPTED FOR SEPIA TONED BECAUSE WE WERE SO EXCITED NOT TO HAVE IT! It makes NO SENSE for that picture to be sepia toned! AT ALL. UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Wesley and Aria hang out and while out, a man approaches in a tweed jacket and threatens to “bounce your head off the curb“–No guy in tweed says “bounce your head”. Ever. Ok, ABC Family? Tweed-wearers are not THUG, HIP, or TOUGH. ESPECIALLY Tweed with elbow patches, which are the antithesis of thug, hip or tough.

Back at Ezra’s place, Wesley tells Aria that his and Ezra’s mom hates Aria because she is “unexpected”–He says this romantically.

-The thing is, Aria is “unexpected” because Ezra’s mother genuinely did not know how STUPID her son was to have sex with a 15 year old girl and then take her around town CALLING her his girlfriend, losing a job over it and CONTINUING to date her. She clearly never met Mary Kay Letourneu and Villi Fulauu, nor did she read their relationship advice book.

We end this episode with Spencer stopping at the grave (in the mausoleum) of Marion Cavannaugh. She scratches “TOBY” into the marble.

What was that supposed to prove? We know that’s Toby’s last name. What does ruining marble do?

Also, that is NOT REAL MARBLE if it is so easily DENTED, FYI. That’s just a good fact for you readers to possess. In case someone gives you the gift of marble.

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 12-FINALE

OMG GUYS! WE MADE IT! THE FINALE!

THE EPISODE STARTS WITH HANNAH SOBBING OUTSIDE THE SCENE OF A FIRE WITH BODIES GETTING CARRIED OUT.

HOLY SHIT! I THINK CALEB IS DEAD! HE MUST BE IN THE BODY BAG!

1. Flash to the beginning of the episode. Garret’s trial is beginning!

2. So in the last episode Hannah couldn’t wear a skirt because the “stab wound” on her thigh would show. NOW, next episode, mini-dress and thigh is SCAR-LESS and GASH-LESS!

3. I smell something fishy.  Paige is too fake-confused about the gang’s suspicions about her.  She cannot be an “A” (there are two).

Who do you think the A’s are?

I am guessing….Nate and….CeCe!

4. So they have a conversation at school about Emily and all of a sudden “A” sends them a text about their conversation.

Ok, so that is not really possible, right?  Unless ALL the high school cafeteria’s tables are bugged somehow, and unless A is a full grown adult millionaire with income to spend on nonsense.

I mean, c’mon people!

5. MONA JUST WALKED OUT OF THE INSTITUTION “DISGUISED” AS A NURSE!

IT IS NOT THAT EASY IN REAL LIFE! WHAT KIND OF PARALLEL UNIVERSE IS THIS?!

Also, she is walking out of the mental institution into the 1920’s, based on her stolen “nurse uniform”….erm, nurses nowadays just wear scrubs, just FYI!

6. Ok, they got an email from “A”.  So A has an email address? Can’t they give that email address to the cops and can’t they track the IP address for it, or some shit?

I dunno, I’m in law school, not computer science school! Jeez!

7. TOBY IS BACK!  RUNNING KISS/HUG WITH SPENCER!

Update: They did, in fact, run into each others’ arms and kiss.

8. I feel like Aria is going to tell Ezra about Maggie keeping the baby and he is going to break up with Aria over it.  Then he is gonna go “do the right thing” to be with Maggie.

Then Aria is going to be with Ezra’s younger brother.

REMEMBER THIS PREDICTION.  WHEN IT HAPPENS I WANT TO GET A JOB AS A STAFF WRITER ON THIS SHOW!

9. Caleb just brought a gun into the mix.  Someone is certainly gonna die.

10. Wait, Spencer and Toby are kissing/heavy petting and he asks “Are you sure?” and she says yes.

Is the implication that this is her first time or that they are just having sex during a murder trial?

I am genuinely confused!

Update: EW Spencer just walked downstairs with Toby in a t-shirt and no pants.  WHAT IF HER PARENTS SEE THAT?!  WTF?!  WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!

11. “You scared me half to death” Emily to Nate.

“Not really….but I will….”

Ok, I feel like Nate is trying to threaten her.  But what, exactly, is his threat? Is he gonna put her in a haunted house and she has a secret heart problem?

12. EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW!

NATE JUST ADMITTED THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH MAYA.  HIS F*CKING COUSIN! HOLY BANANAS!

Update: This turns out not too be gross but I won’t say anymore in case you haven’t seen this episode.

13. There are SO MANY COMMERCIAL breaks in this episode, how much do you think advertisers are paying for this air time?

I legitimately think there was only 25/60 minutes of actual showtime!

14. Ok, these girls are in some strange, fantasy world where cell phone towers do not exist at all. Like, ever.

15. OH. MY. GAWD.  I have to say, old horror movies were right, the virgin never dies!

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 1

We ended last season with (SPOILER ALTERS AHEAD) Spencer thinking she killed Ian and Jenna and Garret’s relationship growing.

Back to school and Spencer and the girls are targets of their peers.

Nole is back and sinister.

OH and Ezra’s ex-fiancee is back in the picture.

1. This season opens with Aria giving Ezra the silent treatment and him begging her to talk to him. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A 16 YEAR OLD!

2. Melissa is not happy with Spencer who murdered her fiancee.  But she is surprised that Melissa isn’t giving her a warm welcome hug.  Shall we list the shit Spencer has done with her?

i. Hooked up with Ian.
ii. Hooked up with “Wren”
iii. Was bitchy about Melissa”s pregnancy
iv. Got into a car accident with Melissa getting the brunt of the force, causing trauma to her unborn child
v. Murdered her husband

Spencer expecting kindness from her sister? UGH SHE IS THE WORST!

3.