PLL: Game Over, Charles

Let’s be honest, I fast forwarded this episode to the key moment where the hooded figure was unveiled.

This show is SO twisted.  CeCe is Charles and CeCe dated Jason….aka INCEST?!

So we are to believe that the DeLaurentises left Charles, a, what, 4-year-old child, to watch their infant daughter.  Then, when the daughter cried and the 4-year-old tried to draw a bath for his baby sister and Radley psychiatrists were like “oh totes, he’s totes a psychopath, let’s admit this small child.”?! NO. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN!

Oh so Mr. DeLaurentis was anti-trans and that’s why he sent Charles away to a medical facility that approved his admission, makes sense #NOITDOESNOT

So did their mom pay for gender reassignment surgery? Or was that covered under their health insurance plan #itwasnt

Side note: Jason has terrible posture.

“I know what you’re gonna say, it’s screwed up that I dated my brother” Sibling consanguinity is, ya know….not a good idea.

“Cece’s the real wolf of walstreet, she never made a bad investment” –That’s how they’re going to explain the buttloads of money A has to do all this crazy stuff?  1. At what age did she begin investing and 2. What was her initial capital investment to become a crazy millionaire?!  I know, I need to keep my reality in state of perpetual….nonexistence when I watch this show, but I have so many questions!

“It felt great to succeed at something!”-THAT is CeCe’s explanation for continuing the game?! But she is a MILLIONAIRE, if that’s not WINNING, then what is?!

Sara has been in on it all along! I KNEW IT! She transitioned too well from Radley to Emily’s bed.

“A always has an escape plan”-Then why were you in an underground bunker for 3 weeks, Spencer? Hmmmm?

This is actually somewhat heartbreaking, watching CeCe mourn her mom. Watching her spiral. That’s actually so sad. Sad emoji time 😦

Sara sounds…British when she barks orders at the girls.

Soooo…what now? We have this maudlin scene with the girls saying goodbye but then what? Is Charlotte in a high security prison?

OH 5 YEARS LATER! AHHHHH! NEW TWIST!

A few people I’ve talked to have said they are very upset with the finale but honestly, I feel like this is the best way for it to end this season and be able to continue into other seasons.

What do you guys think??

PLL: Last Dance

THIS Tweet tonight caught my eye and I cannot stop laughing:

The #PLLMoms were concerned about their daughters for .5 seconds before they got drunk and forgot to care. That sums up the whole series.

— Catherine Powell (@CatherinePowell) August 5, 2015

While the title of this episode alone is ominous, the fact that they are attending prom is foreboding of terrible, awful, amazing things to come.

“And I don’t entirely disagree.“–So Emily’s mom agrees?  Just needed to clarify that.

Twinkly lights! That’s what Emily said she wanted! A prom with twinkly lights! Stop bitching and accept your fate, girls! This is the price of being friends with Allison.

Oh hey, Allison’s 417 year old police officer boyfriend entered the scene looking old AF as per usual.

EWWWWWW Allison’s brother just asked her to prom! INCEST!

LOL @Aria’s mom saying she’s frustrated about Charles because she “need[s] a sandwich”. She might be hangry or she might have PTSD.

Spencer’s mom is a LUSH! She has this obnoxiously coquettish smirk and says “well, I’m not drinking” as she pours herself a hefty glass of cab. LOVE IT!

Caption Contest! What is Ezra thinking while taking this picture:

My guess? “Mmmmm fresh meat….smells like”...well I will let this famous quote from House Party finish that line for me.

Or maybe “This one is going in the spank bank”.  I’m not sure which one is more Ezra, ya know?

WHOA Hannah’s make up looks WACK! She is over bronzed and eyes are over-racooned!

Allison’s dress/look is my absolute, 100% favorite! She looks like cinderella+belle combined!

Emily, you cannot wear your own crown to prom, that’s…weird.  I guess these girls aren’t properly socialized so it’s not her fault. It IS a way to make your school yearbook’s worst dressed list.

IT’S CHARLES! THEY ARE AT THE HOUSE WITH CHARLES! Then who is at prom with Allison?? Bethanny?? Is she secretly alive??  I mean, I guess that could be the twist but how did they fake HER body?? HOW MANY DENTAL RECORDS CAN CHARLES AND HIS ENDLESS RESOURCES FAKE!?

CALEB IS AN INFORMATION RISK ANALYST!!!??! HE IS GOING TO MAKE ENOUGH TO COVER HANNAH’S TUITION AND RENT IN NYC?!  Listen, my friend was a DOCTOR in NYC and I know how rent there works. Unless these kids are going to move to the projects of NJ and pretend they live in NYC “because it’s totally just, like, a 30 minute drive” then this show IS BEYOND SUSPENDED REALITY! For some reason this part of the show is making me so angry!

‘CLARK is an undercover cop‘ she gasped in feigned surprised. Moving on….

“Shouldn’t we call the police?”–Emily, Toby takes umbrage to that as he says “No I already called for backup” aka SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

“We had one job tonight, one. To keep them safe”-YES, MOMS OF WINE COUNTRY, you had ONE FREAKING JOB and you failed because you are self absorbed, terrible parents and I can only hope that DCFS takes over as you are ALL FAILURES.

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Pretty Little Liars: Over A Barrel

Do these girls go to school?  Maybe the reason Aria didn’t get into college is because these girls are always at coffeeshops or trying to solve murder mysteries!  GO STUDY! Do something related to your academics!

Where is this coffeeshop that coffee is only FIFTY CENTS?!  Is it 1991 again!?  I want coffee shops to only charge 50 cents!

Okay, the register printing Aria’s letter? I mean, are we even going to discuss this? Or should we just file this in the “stupid things that would never happen” folder a la Days of Our Lives when Marlena was possessed by the devil.

Wait the chick that Ezra hired to cater his party is now working at Emily’s coffeeshop?!?! Or did Ezra buy the entire coffeeshop and I missed it because apparently he owns it now?

Johnny is going to live in the barn and he pays his rent in coins….cool…he also looks like a character from Buffy circa 1998 with that short sleeved plaid shirt over his long sleeved shirt.

Also, the new tenant says to Spencer “So your boyfriends a cop?” and she replied “Yeah…he wasn’t always….”

Huh? Of course he wasn’t always a cop, no one was “always” their professional career…was that worth saying? That was such an awkward way to end the scene! Spencer says that, shoves her hands into her pocket and the scene lasts another second or two, then cuts abruptly.

Pastor Ted is back and has to meet with Hannah? Ohhhh is she going to tell on her mom for sleeping with Jason DiLaurentis?!

Jason looks creepy/weird as hell with a beard….what is going on with his facial hair??!

“You’re talking about 1017 aren’t you, that smell, ugh! They ought to do something about it, it’s really unsanitary!” That is the writers’ way of weaving a random 3rd party, Mrs. Horowitz, to tell Spencer that basically there’s a dead body in that unit.

#WhatsInTheBarrel just flashed on the screen! I have seen enough Breaking Bad to know what a yellow suit and a barrel mean! DEAD BODY IN ACID IS WHAT IT MEANS!

“So she’s either pickled or dissolved?” Caleb asks…..I don’t know about you guys but I am a very visual person and maybe it’s because I am battling a stomach bug but I gagged a LOT when he said that….barf….AHHH now I can’t get the image of pickled Mona out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE BROWNIES AND PIZZA AND 30 ROCK RERUNSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hannah’s mom is kind of a hoe…no judgement but dating a pastor and cheating with your daughter’s friend? Hoe, fo sho.

So we see Aria’s contact card with Ezra’s name and number….

Who else out there called that number?  Just me? K, cool, just so you know it’s an ATT directory service number, nothing exciting haha!

Pretty Little Liars: Fresh Meat

First of all let me apologize!  I was travelling for work this week (yes, I have a real job outside of this blog) and my hotel room did not have ABC Family! Imagine my horror!  So this delay will not become a habit, I assure you!

Toby in his cop uniform, when asked where his from, says “Rosewood PD.”  No, Toby, to quote Spencer a few bitchy episodes ago, you can’t just up and be a cop!

Hannah got into a billion colleges! Yay!

Ezra is planning an opening of something, I didn’t pay close attention, but he’s stressing his high school student out by texting her about this event, and honestly, being irresponsible by distracting her while she’s at school.  I’m not, however, surprised. Her 25-year old boyfriend boned her when she was a 15-year old freshman (KNOWING she was 15 at the time) then he clearly does not care about her academics.  MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING INTO COLLEGE, ARIA! MAYBE IT’S NOT A FOR ONCE, MAYBE IT’S YOU!

Emily and Paige have “grown apart” in ONE EPISODE?!

Wait, WHAT is the name of the college that Hannah is going to visit?  BELLA? BALLARD?  BELLAR???  I think that they are intentionally garbling it so that we have a hard time understanding them, that way we cannot verify the facts.   Or I have hearing problems.

Toby found his “family knife” in the woods….Someone reading this please help me…WHAT THE FRACK IS A FAMILY KNIFE?!  Especially one with missing parts?!?!  THIS IS NOT A THING!

And this crack team of Caleb, Spencer and Toby decide to not take ANY action with the knife?

And this opening thing is for a BOOKSTORE! I seeeeee! Some guy with a beret works there…and his beret is not ironic….

Emily is going to CATER THIS EVENT!?!?!  AND EZRA ASKS ANOTHER CREEPY QUESTION: “Do you even take home-ec?”  No, EZRA, your high school student’s friends are not in that course, why? You considering teaching it so that you can rape some more kiddos?  Cool story, bro.

Ok so I may have become addicted to the podcast Serial (which I am listening to a SECOND time around) but when Hannah’s mom gets a call from Allison?  It totally reminded me of the Serial opening “This is a Global-Tel link prepaid call from Adnan Syed an inmate at a Maryland Correctional facility”  

It also reminds me of the SNL Parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjidkNvN-Ps

Why is Hannah walking around campus carrying a teddy bear??  Is she feeling lonely, separation anxiety?

I see the tour guide wearing a Ballard sweatshirt but when I google it I found a day-school: “Pupils are admitted to Ballard School, from the ages of 18 months to 16 years (Nursery to Y11).”  Annnnd it’s in the UK…. So are we assuming that Hannah is going to a nursery in England because that would be a KICK ASS spinoff show– “Posh Little Liar-Hannah Goes Brit!” etc etc, I can’t think of anything else right now.

Spencer: “You could have told me before I got carpet bombed with angry texts”  So I had to google this particular phrase and it means “a large aerial bombing done in a progressive manner to inflict damage in every part of a selected area of land.”  Call me rational, maybe one of few rational people who watches this show, but that seems excessively dramatic….

Wow Aria’s letter to the college about Ezra is hilariously accurate, she DID squander her youth with an older man and she DID make herself an outsider by doing so!  Thank GOODNESS! All it took was getting rejected from college to get her to understand!

Okay wait Spencer and Caleb think A will find a way to get the knife back to them….but I thought that they were convinced that Allison was A? So then who are they afraid of?

OMG OMG IS CALEB GONNA DIE!?! And where the heck did Spencer go off to??  Where did she just wander off to all alone?!  CALEB NEEDS HER!  Shit, if he burns alive in a kiln, this show will be seriously freaking DARK!

So this admissions dean that is Ezra’s ex thinks that Aria and Ezra broke up and Aria is worried Ezra will find out she let the woman think that?  Girl, if Ezra really cared about you then he would let you continue that lie! You can pretend that you got back together AFTER you got in!  Am I trying too hard to rationalize this nonsense?  I think yes….

I like this new caterer girl! And she appears to be rocking Nene Leakes’ “cold shoulder tunic”.

OMG HANNAH’S MOM AND ALLISON’S BROTHER MAKING OUT EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ohhh A left Aria an ominous email that she sent to the dean of admissions at Talmadge? Oh so now A can hack into university emails and uses those personal emails to blackmail HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? So A, as I have said before, is a millionaire psychopath?!  Cool.

CAN HANNAH’S MOM NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THAT TOWN?!

 

PLL: Holiday Special

Is Hannah’s character clinically retarded now? She’s confusing court jesters with the word gesture?!

This is Joey-syndrome (90s kids get props for remembering this!)!

And everyone laughs like Hannah is soooooo silly! She needs attention and probably an assisted living nurse

“Wishes don’t come true, otherwise people wouldn’t die!” Hannah

“I’d rather dance on dead monkeys than go to Alli’s ball.” Aria, why would you even say that? That’s really selfish!

Mona has legal “affairs”? She’s 17!!!! What’s 17 year old had affairs!!!!! Did she have a will?!! Lies! If you were her parents wouldn’t you just open it and toss it, thinking it was just a silly game and I had a whole funeral to plan and my life was over.

Did Aria ask the Santa for a snow globe and he HAPPENED to give one with their faces in it that A planted?! NO! This is not how real life works!

Toby is in a leg cast looking through a camera on zoom! How Hitchcock of the writers! Tryin to class up the joint, I see. Although, this show is so vapid that I’m sure they’re accidentally making a Disturbia reference.

High school students dressing as sexy Santa for foreplay is just flat out gross. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer sexy santas as kittens or puppies and not sexy, just santas.

Alli’s mini-me says “This blows, let’s get out of here, losers!” What 9 year-old talks like that??

“Mean girls stay mean.” Truer words have never been spoken (unless you count that time I was eating chocolate cake and screamed “CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST CREATION ON THE PLANET!“)

“I think my mom is still watching out for me.” Allison are you on CRACK?! That bitch hated you!

Why did Hannah have to run the Jack-in-the-box….alone….in the dark? Does she WANT to die of a heart attack?!!

Wait isn’t Toby a rookie cop?! Doesn’t he have a gun?! WHY DOESNT HE GUN DOWN THE KILLED ?! Stop using the flash on your SLR AND GUN THAT MAN DOWN!!

This episode ends with the most DISTURBING image in my a “family” show EVER! A teacher and his students (Toby being a past student) posing nearly nude for their lovers ALL TOGETHER?!! EWWWWW

PLL: The Silence of E Lamb

Why is everyone scared of Emily’s mom?

I LOVE HANNAH’S NEW PUNK ROCK LOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaa when Hannah reaches for Caleb’s fries he gives her a death stare. Gawd, Cale-ub, Hannah’s stressed, k? Don’t be so judgy about her eating a few fries! Ugh, MEN! #amiright?

Is it just me or is Caleb REALLY, like REALLY made up, right? Like too much foundation, guy-liner and bronzer. He looks super pretty, though!

“I just know you from what you left behind…like a tornado…“–Deep metaphor, Caleb. You should be a writer.

“Dad wants to sell the house. The house Melissa, this is our home.”- Spencer, I’m confused, can you clarify for me? What does dad want to sell?

Ohhhhhh Caleb brought over beers to celebrate being a rebel, he’s SOOOOOOOO BAAAADDD! Oh he also brought his perfectly made-up face! Just take a gander at his visage:
>

“What you gonna do little girl when you got no hands?”-Rhonda is pretty rad, I love her.

“Maybe you can have a headache in 2 weeks along with the cramps, am I right?”–HOW DOES EMILY KNOW HANNAH’S PERIOD CYCLE?!?!!

OMFG….So Aria is in Rhonda’s room and has to hide under her bed and Rhonda comes in and lays down on the bed and the directors made a point of showing how the bed bows and goes down a lot .  That’s really freaking mean!  WTH!  So Rhonda has curves, who cares! That is so mean to make a point of showing how the bed might crush Aria! ABC Family is becoming (more) very brass and insensitive!

This episode is ridiculous!  Emily’s mom is having all the TEENAGE girls over and she’s serving VODKA?! She’s serving HARD LIQUOR to minors??  WHAT PLANET are we on where that’s something that should be televised as cool??  Are we going to next show teens smoking and make it look “cool“?

And it’s not like Emily’s mom has been painted as a hippy a la Maya’s mom, or that she’s negligent.  So it’s just an ordinary mom serving hard liquor to kids.  Where’s the absinthe, ma??

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Allison is telling Hannah not to date Caleb so that Alli can have aaaallll her little minions all to herself!  What a wench! They should drop her.

Ohhhhhhh Caleb and Hannah kisssssssssss! WOOT! Guys, he’s acting super effeminate even when kissing Hannah!  What is going on with Caleb?!

“She was drinking”-Emily’s said.

“In front of your mom?!”-Aria asks, shocked.  Ummmm, Aria–EMILY’S MOM PROVIDED THE ALCOHOL!! Emily conveniently leaves that part out.

 

I’m confused as to why Hannah didn’t get the text.  Also, who’s engagement party invitation are we looking at, who are Zack and Ella and who is the person it’s addressed to, Pam Fields?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Pretty Little Liars 2014

First, let me apologize for my delay in posting, 2014 has started on a VERY busy foot!

However, it does not mean that I am too busy for PLL!

Let’s recap the first 4 episodes of 2014 together.  It seems as though Spencer has decided that she needs to bully Hannah nonstop because, well, as I have said before, Spencer is the worst human being ever.

Hannah: “I have a theory.”

Spencer: “A what?”

(after Hannah explains her theory)

Spencer: “You’re right, that IS a theory”

Spencer is SUCH an asshole, I don’t know why these girls are still friends with her. Seriously. She is so condescending and rude.

Later on when Hannah is right about something else Spencer says “Wow, Hannah, yeah, youre 2 for 2.”

Spencer is a bully! Maybe Hannah has stockholm syndrome, where she’s been friends with this girl for so long she thinks she can’t find a better friend?  The poor girl!  Aria even tells Spencer in a later episode to LEAVE HANNAH alone!  Where is Melissa and why can’t she come back and kill Spencer’s character off??

Aria and Ezra have a little rendez-vous one-on-one and it goes down as creepily as you thought it would.

• “After you graduate and leave this place, I’d like to be the person you think I am“-CREEPIEST SENTENCE EVER.  To me, it’s the equivalent of saying “After you finish high school and I continue being a man in his late 20’s with a child who is only slightly younger than you, let’s continue this affair that we began when you were 15 and allow me to be the man your 15 year old mind thought I was, which was wholly unrealistic because you were, well FIFTEEN.“

Also, later in this episode, Aria wore these pants:

Yup. Those pants happened ^.

SPENCER’S DAD IS HERE! We haven’t seen him in FOREVER! OMG! He’s REAL! And he seems to hate Spencer as much as I do.

Mona is seducing/bribing Ezra! Yay! I don’t know why but this seriously makes me happy! It’s about time someone fucked with him.

      ZOMG MONA KNOWS Ezra is A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She KNOWS! OMG OMG!

• Mona “I’ve had to be, I mean, I’ve had a rather Dickensian life up until now. Fully of folly, grudges, false imprisonment, people thinking I’m one thing when I know“
• Um, NO 17 year old talks like that. An ACTUAL 17 year old would say something more like “I had, like, a really hard year. Like, it’s not even fair! I totally didn’t do anything wrong! Ugh, I can’t wait till I have my own car and my own place, then people can’t tell me what to do because I will be a grown up!“

Gross, Ezra has Aria in this little cabin and he’s talking about keeping the place to spend time with Aria there and he says, “We can have this place…It can be our secret.”

• That’s when I would RUN!. RUN, ARIA! He’s going to murder you

Caleb leaves Hannah after a very unnecessarily vague explanation.

Hannah starts crying and her mom sees her.  Hannah sobs “Is that how it works? They just leave.”

• This poor girl has NO solid male role models in her life, her mom is a thief who has been arrested more than once and her friend Spencer is a bully. She thinks that “this is how it works” with relationships, “they just leave”. Ugh poor girl! She needs a hug!

Wait, I just saw a commercial for RavenSwood and it said “Watch it live after Pretty Little Liars!“

Live?!?!  WAIT. IS THERE GOING TO BE A LIVE AIRING meaning that the actors will be acting LIVE AND THERE ARE NO CUTS?!  AMAAAZINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope that’s what they meant.

Emily is talking about how awful Allison was and she says, “Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing. I don’t think she did.”

I’m not sure that’s what cruel would mean….

cru·el

adjective \ˈkrü(-ə)l\

—used to describe people who hurt others and do not feel sorry about it

•     According to this^ it means a LACK of caring….

Hannah has this diary of Alli’s and apparently it’s full of awful things.  I don’t think these girls should hold their friend’s DIARY from when she was 14-15 to judge her!  If someone read my diary when I was 14 they probably would have thought I was a boy-crazy psychopath with an abnormal obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

____________

The next episode of 2014 opens on the girls getting ready to read Allison’s diary!

They are taking turns on who takes it home and reads it, which is weird, they could just read it together, but whatever.

Allison comes to Emily’s room in the middle of the night. And now we know that it’s not a dream, it’s really Allison.

• ………except somehow Allison comes to Emily’s room, has a conversation with her, then somehow puts Emily back to sleep in a spell that causes Emily to wake up with a JOLT and not know if Allison was really there. WTF?! THAT CAN’T HAPPEN! Unless Allison went to Harry Potter World in Orlando and learned some magic, in which case, she must have aced her Charms class.

God Ezra is so creepy.  Besides being A and following around a group of teenaged girls, sleeping with one of them, threatening them and obsessing over Allison, he’s also just sitting in his classroom on his laptop watching videos of Allison.  And we can’t see his hands. Just sayin’……

EWWWWWWWWWWW Ezra is at Hannah’s house, talking to her mom, offering to spend extra time with Hannah on school work, at her house. EW. EW. EW. How do parents NOT immediately reject this idea?!  If my daughter’s attractive young teacher came to my HOME and offered to spend extra with her, I would call the cops.  Maybe. Probably not. But I’d say NO!

Ok, the girls see in Allison’s diary that someone was called “cradle-robber” and now they are wondering if that is Allison was the older one in a sordid affair!

• Allison “died” at 15.  So if she was dating a guy younger than 14 or 13 then she was a sex offender as well, just a minor.  And given Allison’s history of dating older men, it makes sense that the “cradle robber” was HER older man. God these girls have TERRIBLE deductive skills.
• OMG, I was SO WRONG!  SPOILER ALERT!  Cradle Robber is HANNAH! and the aforementioned cradle that she was robbing was ARIA’S LITTLE BROTHER’S! EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

“Mediation? Litigation? How do you keep it all straight?” Spencer said to her attorney-dad.  Um. Aren’t you top of your class, Spencer? Yet SOMEHOW you can’t differentiate between the terms MEDIATE and LITIGATE?!  Listen, English is my second language and even BEFORE law school I knew the difference between those two words.  Spencer’s school needs to reevaluate the credentials they use to determine who is “top” of the class.  MAYBE, SPENCER, JUST MAYBE that’s why you didn’t get into your dream school!

Aria is going to break up with Jake! OMG!

He knows it’s coming.  He says “C’mon Aria, I can handle the truth.“

•  That’s a red flag for “I CANNOT handle the truth, I’m going to act calm and then I will lash out in a bad way! Don’t tell me!  Soften the blow!“

Hannah invites this new guy (I didn’t even bother listening for his name) to play pool with her….Isn’t she heartbroken about Caleb?? OH WAIT, I KNOW WHY! So we can have this obligatory shot:

 

Allison and Emily are gonna meet up tonight! Spencer is sooooooo jealous: “Wait why does she only want to meet with you?”

Get over it, Spencer! You suck!

Annnnnd later on what did Spencer do? RUIN the meet up! And dude, Emily is pissed. Honestly, this is the best acting I’ve seen from Shay Mitchell on this show.

Ohhhh Jake witnesses Ezra have a meltdown with a girl and hit her car! OMGEEEEE! OF COURSE HE DID!

• Why do I say that? So that Jake can tell Aria what he witnessed, and then Aria will say he’s making it up or exaggerating because Jake is mad about the breaek up, thus pushing the safe, age-appropriate choice further away and pushing Aria further into psycho-Ezra’s arms, which is EXACTLY what the writers want because that will make the blow of Ezra being A even MORE of a betrayal. Phew!
• Update: I was EXACTLY right. Gosh, I do LOVE being right.

Hannah’s mom takes her to a plate throwing “range”….it looks just like a gun range but instead of shooting guns, people put on goggles, get a lane, but instead of shooting a gun, they throw plates.  I googled this and guess what? It’s not a thing!  SHOCKER! SOMETHING ON THIS SHOW WAS MADE UP!??!!!

• Ok, wait, so Hannah’s at the dentist and A drugs her, injects her mouth with Novocaine and surgically injects something in her mouth. It is not made clear WHERE this foreign object was placed (i.e. gums, tooth?) but then later Spencer is able to remove it WITH TWEEZERS?!?!  So the surgical procedure that A did was to do what? And the blood on Hannah’s mouth?!
• ALSO, the note came out COMPLETELY CLEAN, NO BLOOD ON IT! UGHHHHHHH it makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty Little Liars-Getting Caught Up!

Is it just me or is this show becoming more and more like a daytime soap opera?

Between the egregious product placement, LONGGGG commercial breaks, and poor acting by attractive people, I feel like it’s 1999 and I’m watching Passions, wondering if the crazy yet stunning Theresa will ever win Ethan over…..And I am sure 90% of you don’t get that reference but if you do, kudos because it’s a wacky one!

Aria’s flavor of the week looks like a Channing-Tatum-wannabe but somehow even WORSE of an actor and awkward screen-presence. He keeps bumbling around the screen shirtless, dramatically raising his eyebrows more than necessary and attempting to smirk but instead it looks like the grimace of someone who ate too much protein and is now constipated.

SORRY, that was a lot.  My issue is that this show had poor acting and excessive soap-opera feel to begin with. Why add more?!  It literally PAINS me to watch some of these people attempt to act.

OH THEY MENTIONED EMILY’S BIRTHDAY! SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW IS ACTUALLY AGING! I wonder if they will tell us how OLD she is?!

Jenna is found floating in a lake, eyes open like the dead. But she’s not dead. Which begs the question- why were her eyes open?!!!?!

Ok wait what?! Jenna was hit in the head, presumably by A, in a way to INTENTIONALLY prevent her from remembering something about A?!  THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE! YOU CANT JUST KNOCK SPECIFIC MEMORIES OUT OF SOMEONE’S BRAIN! 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:

WREN IS BAAACK! Apparently working full-time at Radley. He is SO lucky that he was able to complete medical school, start his residency in psychiatry apparently, AND FINISH IT in the matter of 4 years. He completed 8-10 years of education and work in 4.  Thank GOODNESS he lives in this magical fake world where stupid, unreasonable and illogical shit happens.

Emily is staying at Allison’s house in her old room?!?!? WTF?!?!!

“Sorry it’s so chilly, furnace is acting up.” Allison’s mom says.  WHAT COUNTRY DO THEY LIVE IN THAT THEY NEED A FURNACE IN AUGUST!?!?!?!

EZRA ISN’T MALCOLM’S DAD! OMG! ZOMG! Malcolm is WHY he and Aria broke up! Will they get back together?! BUT WHAT ABOUT HER DOE-EYED NEW MAN-CANDY!?!?!

There’s a pretty brown chick on the show!

Allison’s mom is nuts and I am 89% sure THAT SHE IS A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m SERIOUS! She is wackadoodle enough to be A and she has access to all of Allison’s stuff so she could have learned all the girl’s secrets!

This ancillary storyline about Toby is getting old and I don’t care! Weird sheet music? Meh. It’s REALLY not compelling.

Spencer’s mom is talking to an unrepresented potential criminal defendant……. annnnnnd threatens to have her put behind bars…….”I have ways to see to it that you rot in a cell until your hair turns grey“–> LADY, you putting your career in jeopardy over a 16 year old girl. Now we know where Spencer gets her (lack of) PRIORITIES from!

Yeah guys, A is TOTALLY Allison’s mom! I REALLY THINK IT’S HER!

Allison’s mom knew she hung out with CC, a college co-ed?!  WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW YOUR 14-year OLD DAUGHTER TO HANG OUT WITH A 20-YEAR OLD!?!?!? DONT YOU QUESTION WHY A 20-YEAR OLD WOULD NEED A 14-year OLD FRIEND!?!?!! THAT IS SO INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-Under the Gun

Before I begin, let me apologize for the lack of post last week!

To recap, last week’s episode re-introduced Aria’s little brother who disappeared after season 1 and there is ANOTHER potential statutory rape situation, this time for Emily.  It really does surprise me MORE when one of these girls dates someone who is age-appropriate, which really does not say much about ABC “Family”, does it?

The episode ended with Hannah getting arrested at a sorority party, presumably for being in possession of the gun that killed Wilden.

NOW onto the current episode!

How do the police know Hannah had the gun?

“You could be looking at 3rd degree felony for carrying a concealed weapon“–So someone called the police and said 17 year old blonde white girl is at a sorority party and she has a concealed weapon, right? So the cops RUSH to this sorority after getting this “tip” and find Hannah among the hundreds of caucasian blonde girls and arrest her in minutes?!                                                                                                                 RIGHT, because that makes perfect sense in this ridiculous world that the girls of Rosewood live in.

“What were you thinking?!” Hannah’s dad asks her.  GOOD QUESTION, but the better question is, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED, “dad”?! I blame absentee parents for Hannah making poor choices.

I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING–Since when did Shauna set fire to the building last season? I thought A did that?

Spencer just said “Mo money mo problems”. Yikes, Spencer, stick to what you know, being an uptight bitch. Nothing more, nothing less.

A is so ethereal and omnipresent that I often have to pretend that I am watching a show like “Vampire Diaries”, where you know that the show is all make believe and biologically impossible. That is what A is, biologically impossible.

The what-happened-to-Toby’s-mom tangent story is not compelling at all.  I feel like ABC Family wants to make another spinoff like Ravenwood.  That’s not likely, Toby is not as sympathetic as a character, not with all the “is he evil” “is he fucking his sister” confusion.

Why does Aria always end up kissing guys she spends more than 5 minutes with? Methinks she is catching Spencer-like symptoms of slutty-bitchface.

Aria is confronting her little brother’s friend. who is calling her a slut and saying he hooked up with her.  Can I say, this is the most upsettingly “real” high school thing this show has ever conveyed, high school bullying and girls being called sluts. This show is not helping the teen-girl cause AT ALL. This show portrays underage girls as having sex with older men, dating their teachers, step-siblings, and dressing proactively.  In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize how misogynistic this show is!

Spencer and Toby enter Pleasantville!!  Just kidding, they are just in a town where everything is sepia-toned, like a giant, douchey instagram picture (or I guess video now).

Ok, Spencer is wearing what appears to be a FLEECE COAT:

I don’t know what happened to the picture but my comment says “Spencer doesn’t realize it’s July.”

“I’m your brother. I’m supposed to watch out for you, stand up for you,” Aria’s ‘brother’ tells her. Guess what, you should also try existing, ABC Family writers!  If we want to feel bad that Aria embarrassed her brother, we should be reminded that she HAS a brother, and not just once every 4 years!

This sepia-toned town is ridiculous, are the viewers not supposed to notice the camera the dramatic coloring and just feel uneasy but not know why?

Why is Shauna everywhere? Why does she matter?! DID I MISS SOMETHING?! WHY DO I CARE?!?!?!!?

A sepia colored bird dies and falls onto Spencer’s car! ERMGERD!

TOYOTA product placement! Sorry, I just noticed that the producers keep shoving Spencer’s Toyota in our faces.  That girl has run back and forth to her car more times than necessary, and the camera keeps panning in from the front, making sure we see the Toyota symbol.

OMG this violin solo is giving me a headache.  And why are the girls watching Shauna play the violin as though she is doing something sinister?!

Ok, so Hannah’s mom was set up by A, and A allegedly has the skills necessary to copy her mom’s fingerprints and put them on the bullets in a manner that the police cannot detect was fraudulent?  UGHHHH, Ok, DEEP BREATHS, SUSPENDING REALITY HERE!

UGHHHHHHHHHH

until next week’s shenanigans, ughhhhhh

 

Pretty Little Liars-Turn of the Shoe

From the start I have an issue.

The events of season 3 and season 4 are supposedly all within a few days of each other but Hanna’s hair magically grew 4 inches and we aren’t supposed to notice? (Wags finger at ABC Family) Shame on you!

And why does Mona feel so entitled to trust?

So the girls make a really, really good decision to follow Mona into the woods.   Emily, scared by a noise asks “what was that?”

“It was  bird, a beaver, do you need to wait in the car?!” Spencer snaps.  I know I’m killing this but honestly, Spencer is the WORST! UGH

I really do hope her sister Melissa is A and is doing all of this as revenge to Spencer for being such an awful bitch.

Guys, why does Hanna’s hair look like a shitty weave?!  Is this new season of Pretty Little Liars going to be about Hanna’s harrowing battle with herself versus a hairbrush?

Spencer didn’t get into UPenn….this smells of the episode of Gilmore Girls where Paris didn’t get into Harvard because she had sex (you had to see it).

Hanna just called Mona’s car a “hate mobile”.  I have no idea what that means, but I love it.

“They’re gonna love you. Maybe not as much as I do.” Paige says to Emily about Stanford. OH YEAH, PAIGE!? BECAUSE HIGH SCHOOL ROMANCES ALWAYS LAST THROUGH COLLEGE!

I’m confused, how does Ezra teach every single grade? 4 years ago he taught these four girls, and he’s STILL teaching them??

“I heard from Upenn this morning and I didn’t get in” Spencer tells Ezra.  In what world does the mail come in at 8am?

In this suspended-reality world. That’s the ONLY place that the mail comes before 8am, statutory rape is considered romantic, and these four girls are all in the same English class.

A karate teacher is asserting dominance with Aria. Ew.

IS EVERYONE in this episode on their period?! All these women are snapping at each other!

Allison’s mom is very Stepford-wifey…but for some reason it doesn’t seem out of place, I kind of like having her character around.

OMG THERE IS A PARROT TALKING AND HANNA SAID “She sounds just like Alli”!                                                                                            WTF!?!  Correct me if I’m wrong but Alli was not a 1lb parrot that repeatedly squawks!

And then Alli’s mom says “when she went to Georgia she spent more time with that bird than her grandmother!”  Clearly her mother doesn’t understand that her 14 year old daughter was a raging slut who snuck out of the house 99% of the time.

“When has being dishonest ever helped me, or you, or anyone?” —UM WHAT?! SPENCER, LYING HELPED EZRA NOT GO TO PRISON FOR STATUTORY RAPE!!!

“The best way to find out if you trust somebody is to trust them.“–This new karate instructor character is sooooooooo trying to rape Aria.

The more we learn about Alli, the more I think that this bitch had it coming….I kid, I kid……

OMG ALLISON USED TO HOLD HER BREATH UNTIL SHE FAINTED TO GET WHAT SHE WANTED. WTF.

Ok, this karate instructor is getting super handsy with Aria and basically molesting her.  This girl must have daddy issues because she cannot see what this guy is doing.

“Stop talking to me like I’m a bucket of rocks!” I love that this show creates it’s own sayings.  This one is particularly awesome because it implies that Aria thinks Mona is so stupid that Aria would talk to her like she would a bucket of rocks.  Not like a child or a dog, which one might speak condescendingly to, but a bucket of rocks which one really has no business talking to.

Spencer dramatically rips up her personal statement. Too bad she typed it out and it is saved on a computer.

TOBY’S MOM KILLED HERSELF! That explains all the cryptic discussions about his mom!

Why is this paramedic so inquisitive about her prior shoulder injury? This guy is the nosiest paramedic.

GOD EVERYONE IS SO BITCHY THIS EPISODE! These girls need to be nice to each other!

Oh haaayyyy, the three bitchy girls are having a serious convo. Whoa.

How did Spencer get stuck on bird-duty (see what I did there? I made duty and doody interchangeable hehe)

How did Jake (karate guy) find out where Aria lives?!  She seems flustered, fixing her hair.  Aria-THIS IS HOW WOMEN GET RAPED IN THEIR OWN HOMES!

“I want to live in that room on your computer” Emily cries to Paige. I know she is referring to the dorm Paige showed her on the computer but it sounds like Emily wants to live in Paige’s SIMS family as an avatar.

OH THE EPISODE ENDS WITH A CUTTING INTO A SMALL BIRD WITH ROASTED ASPARAGUS–THE IMPLICATION HERE IS THAT A IS EATING THE PARROT!

I know A is a crazy motherfucker BUT EATING PETS IS OFF LIMITS!  Honestly, ABC Family, that should go without saying.

 

Until next week, good night!