PLL: Holiday Special

Is Hannah’s character clinically retarded now? She’s confusing court jesters with the word gesture?!

This is Joey-syndrome (90s kids get props for remembering this!)!

And everyone laughs like Hannah is soooooo silly! She needs attention and probably an assisted living nurse

“Wishes don’t come true, otherwise people wouldn’t die!” Hannah

“I’d rather dance on dead monkeys than go to Alli’s ball.” Aria, why would you even say that? That’s really selfish!

Mona has legal “affairs”? She’s 17!!!! What’s 17 year old had affairs!!!!! Did she have a will?!! Lies! If you were her parents wouldn’t you just open it and toss it, thinking it was just a silly game and I had a whole funeral to plan and my life was over.

Did Aria ask the Santa for a snow globe and he HAPPENED to give one with their faces in it that A planted?! NO! This is not how real life works!

Toby is in a leg cast looking through a camera on zoom! How Hitchcock of the writers! Tryin to class up the joint, I see. Although, this show is so vapid that I’m sure they’re accidentally making a Disturbia reference.

High school students dressing as sexy Santa for foreplay is just flat out gross. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer sexy santas as kittens or puppies and not sexy, just santas.

Alli’s mini-me says “This blows, let’s get out of here, losers!” What 9 year-old talks like that??

“Mean girls stay mean.” Truer words have never been spoken (unless you count that time I was eating chocolate cake and screamed “CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST CREATION ON THE PLANET!“)

“I think my mom is still watching out for me.” Allison are you on CRACK?! That bitch hated you!

Why did Hannah have to run the Jack-in-the-box….alone….in the dark? Does she WANT to die of a heart attack?!!

Wait isn’t Toby a rookie cop?! Doesn’t he have a gun?! WHY DOESNT HE GUN DOWN THE KILLED ?! Stop using the flash on your SLR AND GUN THAT MAN DOWN!!

This episode ends with the most DISTURBING image in my a “family” show EVER! A teacher and his students (Toby being a past student) posing nearly nude for their lovers ALL TOGETHER?!! EWWWWW

PLL: The Silence of E Lamb

Why is everyone scared of Emily’s mom?

I LOVE HANNAH’S NEW PUNK ROCK LOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaa when Hannah reaches for Caleb’s fries he gives her a death stare. Gawd, Cale-ub, Hannah’s stressed, k? Don’t be so judgy about her eating a few fries! Ugh, MEN! #amiright?

Is it just me or is Caleb REALLY, like REALLY made up, right? Like too much foundation, guy-liner and bronzer. He looks super pretty, though!

“I just know you from what you left behind…like a tornado…“–Deep metaphor, Caleb. You should be a writer.

“Dad wants to sell the house. The house Melissa, this is our home.”- Spencer, I’m confused, can you clarify for me? What does dad want to sell?

Ohhhhhh Caleb brought over beers to celebrate being a rebel, he’s SOOOOOOOO BAAAADDD! Oh he also brought his perfectly made-up face! Just take a gander at his visage:
>

“What you gonna do little girl when you got no hands?”-Rhonda is pretty rad, I love her.

“Maybe you can have a headache in 2 weeks along with the cramps, am I right?”–HOW DOES EMILY KNOW HANNAH’S PERIOD CYCLE?!?!!

OMFG….So Aria is in Rhonda’s room and has to hide under her bed and Rhonda comes in and lays down on the bed and the directors made a point of showing how the bed bows and goes down a lot .  That’s really freaking mean!  WTH!  So Rhonda has curves, who cares! That is so mean to make a point of showing how the bed might crush Aria! ABC Family is becoming (more) very brass and insensitive!

This episode is ridiculous!  Emily’s mom is having all the TEENAGE girls over and she’s serving VODKA?! She’s serving HARD LIQUOR to minors??  WHAT PLANET are we on where that’s something that should be televised as cool??  Are we going to next show teens smoking and make it look “cool“?

And it’s not like Emily’s mom has been painted as a hippy a la Maya’s mom, or that she’s negligent.  So it’s just an ordinary mom serving hard liquor to kids.  Where’s the absinthe, ma??

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Allison is telling Hannah not to date Caleb so that Alli can have aaaallll her little minions all to herself!  What a wench! They should drop her.

Ohhhhhhh Caleb and Hannah kisssssssssss! WOOT! Guys, he’s acting super effeminate even when kissing Hannah!  What is going on with Caleb?!

“She was drinking”-Emily’s said.

“In front of your mom?!”-Aria asks, shocked.  Ummmm, Aria–EMILY’S MOM PROVIDED THE ALCOHOL!! Emily conveniently leaves that part out.

 

I’m confused as to why Hannah didn’t get the text.  Also, who’s engagement party invitation are we looking at, who are Zack and Ella and who is the person it’s addressed to, Pam Fields?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Pretty Little Liars: Thrown from the Ride

Hannah put black streaks in her hair? It looks kind of like cruella deville, right?

Wait weren’t the police called to the scene of shaunas death? Then why did Mona say she was transferred back to georgia? I’m confused (which should be the title of this show)

OMG is this guy playing Allison’s dad acting for the first time?!! He’s the worst! He’s acting like he’s talking to a 9 month old. Do you think the director is in the sidelines shouting at him “She’s 17! She’s not a newborn baby! Speak to her like a normal human being!”

Spencer’s parents are totes getting a divorce dude. Spencer’s mom slept on the couch.

“How much longer is our yard going to be a crime scene?!” #richpeopleproblems #rosewoodproblems

Who is this new swimmer girl? STFU new girl!

Ohhhh Emily ignored Allison’s call! Character development!

Mona is just STARING at the girls like a psychopath! By the way, this happens throughout the entire episode, nonstop.

“You need to take a psychological selfie”–Kids say the darndest things! AHAAHAHAH….no but really, is that how teenagers talk? Ugh.

Allison just signed her text to Emily as “-Allison”-

isn’t this supposed to be a girl in 2014? The only other people I know do that are my parents for whom English is the second language. So unless Allison’s character is now a 62 year old Persian man, I’m not buying it.

OH wait Allison’s dad is implying that she was raped! How is a wholesome family network like ABC Family going to tackle that? I hope better than they did the statutory rape story line……

Oh shaunas last name is Fring? Like GUSTAVO FRING FROM BREAKING BAD?!! CROSSOVER SHOWS! SPINOFF!

WAIT THERE’s A VIDEO FROM SHAUNAS FUNERAL?!! WHO POSTS VIDEOS OF FUNERALS?!!! IS THIS A THING NOW?! SOMEONE EXPLAIN!!!!

Paige is wearing a tank top and dang girl is FIT! Dem guns look great, git gurl!

There’s a tin of rat poison in the garage with the receipt conveniently taped to the side. The implication is gonna be that Allison’s mom was killed with the poison and oh my thank goodness the receipt is taped on the side so they can trace who bought it back to….my guess is Spencer’s dad!

“You have quite powerful lungs my lady!” Her doctor is gonna murder her, right? He’s gauging how to suppress the scream from those lungs, right? Right.

“Scoot down at the end of the table so I can take a better look at it.”  IS HE TALKING ABOUT HER PELVIC EXAM???

Oh wait he’s not, just a cut on her knee.  But still, this doctor sounds so creepy!!!!

“Hannah once you know something, you can’t unknown it….”–Spoken like a true teenager and not the 62 year old Persian man I was beginning to suspect you were.

Why does Spencer need to google if rat poison kills? Isn’t that pretty obvious??

Mona is my new favorite character, I think.

I feel like people don’t post videos of funerals for this EXACT REASON, because people on the internet get creepy and will just watch your loved ones in a casket on repeat like Aria.

What’s Ezra’s role in a of this? Are we cool with him now? But didn’t he pretended to not know who aria was at a restaurant when he had sex with her, even though he KNEW she was 15? So even though he’s not A, he’s still creepy as fuck right?! RIGHT?!!

Oh no! Hannah is going back to her Mona-stealing ways!!!!

Spencer cuts herself on a knife and I almost expect the boy to start foaming at the mouth and looking torn….I think I’m conflating vampire diaries with this show….

Allison shows Emily a child’s pink polka dot backpack and says with pride “my dad got it for me!”

Again, Allison’s dad not understanding that she’s not a child who needs a Lisa Frank backpack (but for real, Lisa Frank was the shit.)

Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Pretty Little Liars: Whirly Girlie

“Ali-are we in agreement?”-Spencer needs to friggin’ tone it down. Is she trying to get verbal confirmation, like she’s gonna enforce any of this if (when) Ali lies?

“I know who you are”-Detective BlahBlahWhoCares says. Yeah cause hes’ probably using her pictures as porn. DON’T JUDGE ME! THIS SHOW MADE ME THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A MONSTER—IT IS!

“Mom, she just wants to move on, okay? Yes, it was a nightmare but we need it to end!”-Why are these girls SO ANNOYED that their moms have questions about them running away and finding their friend who’s been dead and buried for 2 years? Like is it SO SHOCKING that you parents questioned your disappearance? Or your dead friend?

“Is Allison alive and in her house?”-Aria’s brother asks a VERY specific question–the kind of question that makes me think he wants to know for a specific reason, like, to stab her….at her house….

“We’re back in planet Allison…why is she still controlling us?”-Ohhhhhh methinks Spencer liked being the one in control…..

SO Spencer’s neighbor throws a roll of toilet paper out the window with a message to the girls on it. They act so scared and surprised and ask “who sent this?!” and their neighbor draws a question mark on the window in response.  The window has a LOT of condensation inside, by the way.  BUT ANYWAYS, I DIGRESS–> When the neighbor shut the door they act like all hope is lost.  Cant they knock on their neighbor’s door and ask again in the morning? That wasn’t a phantom neighbor, was it?

So Aria is woken up by a violin playing something Shauna used to play or something else stupid.  But here’s my thing–why doesn’t anyone else notice this? Why don’t her neighbors complain about the noise? Wouldn’t the HOA put a stop to this?

Why is Jason so angry?????  He watched Allison SLEEP?!?! Dude, again, maybe I’m watching Game of Thrones but is he gonna like….try to marry her?  Also, why doesn’t she tell her dad about this? He seems legit.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why is Toby’s hair slicked back??!

“I have to go home and change my underwear!”– The reason Hannah is the best character!

I don’t know if it’s the combination of his slicked back hair and pale skin, but I THINK, I’m not sure, but I THINK Toby is a vampire. 

“I don’t have to hide. You do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.”-So I get that Mona saying this is supposed to be a threat BUUUUUUT when you say that without a disguise and walk away, then can’t Allison turn around and call the cops?  Then the cops can deal with Mona’s threats and Allison doesn’t have to keep trying to act like a girl who is scared (she keeps blinking and fluttering her eyelashes as though THAT is what is going to convey to the viewer that she is afraid, not the ominous music).

MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER FINDS ALLISON’S DEAD MOM! Oh yeah, Ali’s mom is dead, y’all.

Here’s the new hero and my current favorite character, Pepe:

 

 

PLL: Cover For Me

We start this episode with Aria puking…please oh please tell me she’s pregnant!!!! Fingers crossed guys!!!

Why do Spencer’s parents insist on her going to in-patient psychiatric treatment or letting her do nothing at all??  Why can’t she see a therapist on a regular, weekly basis and combine that with medication to treat her addiction?  Why are her parents okay with letting her “try” it on her own first?!!?  That’s the sort of EXTREME parenting that leads to creepy adults or assholes.  You pick which one you think Spencer is.

Emily: “Shauna called me this morning”
Spencer: “FROM GEORGIA?!?!?!”  Spencer asks incredulously, as though Georgia was some foreign, third world country where cell phone service doesn’t exist.  Um, honey, we Georgians might be down south but damn girl, we got cell phones and friggin’ southern hospitality!!!!!!

Toby: “You look like crap”—Damn boy, your girlfriend is battling a drug addiction, was that necessary?

Ok, guys, Ezra is NOT just a journalist, he has charts and graphs with pictures of Allison. He has FILES of these girls in his drawers at home.  At BEST he’s a sex offender that should be registered with the state of…..what state is this show based in?  No really, I know it’s a small town in New England but what state??

Ok wait wait wait.  WHY does Ezra have an OLD SCHOOL tape player/recorder with Allison’s voice recorded?!   Really, I need to know? This thing is COMICALLY outdated, just look:

Like, wait, do y’all remember using those in the 80’s?  No? Probably not because if you are reading this then you are not old enough. WELL back in my day you had these things and the mic had to be held RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.  If Ezra REALLY recorded her voice on that monstrosity he would have had a mic held in front of Allison’s mouth and she, at 13/14 years old when he “dated” (read, RAPED) her she would have cried out something like “Oh em geeee dude, double-u tee efffff is thattttt?!”

So no, not buyin’ it, ABC Family.

Paige is being a manipulative bitch to Emily, I must say.  She’s threatening to tell the cops about everything unless Emily tells her the truth….because bribery always works to make a healthy relationship….followed by a manipulative bribe that’s actually a thinly veiled attempt to “protect” Emily
“I’m doing this for you Emily, because I love you so much”—– Um, huh? WTF?! Did you go to the Jonestown School of Manipulation!?!?!  Like, really, Paige is being a super crazy, controlling jerk.

Later she asks Emily nonchalantly about dinner plans.  Emily seems upset.

“Are we okay“-a confuses Paige asks later.  Is she really that stupid?? She thought she could manipulate her girlfriend into doing what she wants and continue having a normal relationship?! NO! YOU RUINED IT! YOU BASICALLY SHOWED EMILY THAT YOU ARE A CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE BUTT FACE! GO AWAY!

When Emily basically says they’re not okay, Paige screws Emily over by dropping info in a cop car…..Jerkkkkkkk!

Toby is spending his settlement money on bad hair styles and leather jackets, ughhhh TOBYYY WHYYYYY?!?!

So the episode wraps up with a family “intervention” including Toby and Spencer’s parents.  The thing is, all they do is stand up when Spencer walks in, and Toby says “You need help, Spencer”.

Spencer goes upstairs.  The end.
THAT’S IT? THAT’S ALL?? THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF THE INTERVENTION??!! Wanna know what I think?  They all hate Spencer as much as I do so they secretly WANT her to go away but want to appear to be trying!
The episode ends with A’s gloved hand reading Ezra’s book pages….ALWAYS A GLOVE!  I think A has leprosy and is embarrassed.  Poor A! It’s okay! There are more functional gloves than standard leather ones! It’s 2014! You can go out and buy some! I won’t judge your leprosy!

Pretty Little Liars-Hot for Teacher

Doesn’t the title of this episode sum it all up?

Wait Hannah’s hair is dark now?! When did that happen?  Oh well….

So Emily’s dad’s anemia caused heart-attack-like symptoms?  In the last episode her dad said he didn’t want to tell her and worry her but “something is wrong” and they were “running tests.”  So her dad’s doctors were so confused and confounded about a crazy, confused diagnosis of….Anemia?  I think Wren needs to come back!

“A played post office between my teeth”-So the surgery that A performed on Hannah was to put a note between her teeth?  Then why did she wake up with a bloody mouth?  This reminds me of the episode of Louis I once saw…..

Ezra is begging Aria to come to the cabin with him.  He says, “Aria….I-I thought we would be able to use this cabin.”

“…….as a dungeon for me to hide your chopped up body parts. Why are you acting so weird?”–Ok, so he didn’t ACTUALLY say that but that’s basically what he was TRYING to say.

Spencer is buying what I assume is Vyvanse or another stimulant.  What’s odd is that when the girl asks her for payment (50 bucks) Spencer acts like she expected a handout.  Spencer’s parents are BOTH wealthy attorneys.  The show has gone to great pains to show us how wealthy they are (Spencer did horseback riding, they have a private pool, a private pool house, etc etc etc), so why is she being so weird now?

She’s also OVERSELLING how suspicious she is of Ezra (as evinced by this picture below)

You know what I am noticing?? In these episodes Ezra’s face is clean-shaven.  I wonder if ABC Family realized how creepy his “love story” with a student is, so they’re trying to make him look younger?  This show started FOUR YEARS AGO and their characters are seniors now, meaning that when he and Aria started having sex, she was 14, 15 MAX, and at that point Allison had been dead for a year SO ALLISON WAS MAX 13 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE AND EZRA STARTED DATING AND ALLISON TEASED HIM FOR EATING PIE WITH BEER.

What is WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?!  I am DISGUSTED by the fact that ABC Family is GLORIFYING this shit.

Ezra is also getting OUT OF HAND controlling.  They are at the cabin, and Aria asks him to drive her home.  He says “Maybe being torn between me and your friends is not such a bad thing….I know it feels like you’re growing away from them but maybe it’s me and you growing closer. If this is going to last then you have to start thinking of me being the person you’re closest to….”

I’m sorry WHAT?! That is the most manipulative thing to say! NO, it’s NOT NORMAL for you boyfriend to want to be the ONLY THING ON THE PLANET.  It’s eerily codependent and not “cute” or endearing.

OMG OMG OMG EZRA’S “A-LAIR” IS IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS CABIN! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you can’t see in the picture below is that Ezra’s hand is in his pants:

OMG OMG OMG OMG EZRA IS WATCHING ARIA SLEEP! OMG OMG OMG EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ezra is the world’s worst liar. “I–I’m just…really….glad…you’re here?”–He LITERALLY said it in that intonation! The show, in effort to make him appear hollow, has either ASKED him to look vacant and brain dead or that’s the actor’s face and I’m just now noticing it.

“My head feels like it’s full of hot ice cubes!“–>This is why I love Hannah.  Because she says nonsense gibberish like that. That is not even a saying. Go ahead. Google it. I’ll wait.

…………………

Did you do it?  Yeah, when you google it, PLL links come up. Because it’s completely unintelligible like most things Hannah says.

OK, so Allison spends THOUSANDS of dollars trying to get places to stay and resources because she is on the run. When she calls Shauna from the payphone, we see her perfectly manicured nails dialing the buttons. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE she would have more money if she wasn’t getting gel manicures and getting blow-outs (her hair is freshly done).  THIS IS WHY 13-16 year old runaways should go to the POLICE when they are running from someone or something! Their brains aren’t developed enough to handle REAL LIFE problems, let alone CRAZY-WORLD-WHERE-REALITY-IS-SUSPENDED problems!

NEXT WEEK’S PLL IS ALL BLACK AND WHITE AND FILM NOIRE! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  ALSO, I CALLED WREN COMING BACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pretty Little Liars 2014

First, let me apologize for my delay in posting, 2014 has started on a VERY busy foot!

However, it does not mean that I am too busy for PLL!

Let’s recap the first 4 episodes of 2014 together.  It seems as though Spencer has decided that she needs to bully Hannah nonstop because, well, as I have said before, Spencer is the worst human being ever.

Hannah: “I have a theory.”

Spencer: “A what?”

(after Hannah explains her theory)

Spencer: “You’re right, that IS a theory”

Spencer is SUCH an asshole, I don’t know why these girls are still friends with her. Seriously. She is so condescending and rude.

Later on when Hannah is right about something else Spencer says “Wow, Hannah, yeah, youre 2 for 2.”

Spencer is a bully! Maybe Hannah has stockholm syndrome, where she’s been friends with this girl for so long she thinks she can’t find a better friend?  The poor girl!  Aria even tells Spencer in a later episode to LEAVE HANNAH alone!  Where is Melissa and why can’t she come back and kill Spencer’s character off??

Aria and Ezra have a little rendez-vous one-on-one and it goes down as creepily as you thought it would.

• “After you graduate and leave this place, I’d like to be the person you think I am“-CREEPIEST SENTENCE EVER.  To me, it’s the equivalent of saying “After you finish high school and I continue being a man in his late 20’s with a child who is only slightly younger than you, let’s continue this affair that we began when you were 15 and allow me to be the man your 15 year old mind thought I was, which was wholly unrealistic because you were, well FIFTEEN.“

Also, later in this episode, Aria wore these pants:

Yup. Those pants happened ^.

SPENCER’S DAD IS HERE! We haven’t seen him in FOREVER! OMG! He’s REAL! And he seems to hate Spencer as much as I do.

Mona is seducing/bribing Ezra! Yay! I don’t know why but this seriously makes me happy! It’s about time someone fucked with him.

      ZOMG MONA KNOWS Ezra is A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She KNOWS! OMG OMG!

• Mona “I’ve had to be, I mean, I’ve had a rather Dickensian life up until now. Fully of folly, grudges, false imprisonment, people thinking I’m one thing when I know“
• Um, NO 17 year old talks like that. An ACTUAL 17 year old would say something more like “I had, like, a really hard year. Like, it’s not even fair! I totally didn’t do anything wrong! Ugh, I can’t wait till I have my own car and my own place, then people can’t tell me what to do because I will be a grown up!“

Gross, Ezra has Aria in this little cabin and he’s talking about keeping the place to spend time with Aria there and he says, “We can have this place…It can be our secret.”

• That’s when I would RUN!. RUN, ARIA! He’s going to murder you

Caleb leaves Hannah after a very unnecessarily vague explanation.

Hannah starts crying and her mom sees her.  Hannah sobs “Is that how it works? They just leave.”

• This poor girl has NO solid male role models in her life, her mom is a thief who has been arrested more than once and her friend Spencer is a bully. She thinks that “this is how it works” with relationships, “they just leave”. Ugh poor girl! She needs a hug!

Wait, I just saw a commercial for RavenSwood and it said “Watch it live after Pretty Little Liars!“

Live?!?!  WAIT. IS THERE GOING TO BE A LIVE AIRING meaning that the actors will be acting LIVE AND THERE ARE NO CUTS?!  AMAAAZINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope that’s what they meant.

Emily is talking about how awful Allison was and she says, “Cruel would mean she cared what she was doing. I don’t think she did.”

I’m not sure that’s what cruel would mean….

cru·el

adjective \ˈkrü(-ə)l\

—used to describe people who hurt others and do not feel sorry about it

•     According to this^ it means a LACK of caring….

Hannah has this diary of Alli’s and apparently it’s full of awful things.  I don’t think these girls should hold their friend’s DIARY from when she was 14-15 to judge her!  If someone read my diary when I was 14 they probably would have thought I was a boy-crazy psychopath with an abnormal obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

____________

The next episode of 2014 opens on the girls getting ready to read Allison’s diary!

They are taking turns on who takes it home and reads it, which is weird, they could just read it together, but whatever.

Allison comes to Emily’s room in the middle of the night. And now we know that it’s not a dream, it’s really Allison.

• ………except somehow Allison comes to Emily’s room, has a conversation with her, then somehow puts Emily back to sleep in a spell that causes Emily to wake up with a JOLT and not know if Allison was really there. WTF?! THAT CAN’T HAPPEN! Unless Allison went to Harry Potter World in Orlando and learned some magic, in which case, she must have aced her Charms class.

God Ezra is so creepy.  Besides being A and following around a group of teenaged girls, sleeping with one of them, threatening them and obsessing over Allison, he’s also just sitting in his classroom on his laptop watching videos of Allison.  And we can’t see his hands. Just sayin’……

EWWWWWWWWWWW Ezra is at Hannah’s house, talking to her mom, offering to spend extra time with Hannah on school work, at her house. EW. EW. EW. How do parents NOT immediately reject this idea?!  If my daughter’s attractive young teacher came to my HOME and offered to spend extra with her, I would call the cops.  Maybe. Probably not. But I’d say NO!

Ok, the girls see in Allison’s diary that someone was called “cradle-robber” and now they are wondering if that is Allison was the older one in a sordid affair!

• Allison “died” at 15.  So if she was dating a guy younger than 14 or 13 then she was a sex offender as well, just a minor.  And given Allison’s history of dating older men, it makes sense that the “cradle robber” was HER older man. God these girls have TERRIBLE deductive skills.
• OMG, I was SO WRONG!  SPOILER ALERT!  Cradle Robber is HANNAH! and the aforementioned cradle that she was robbing was ARIA’S LITTLE BROTHER’S! EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

“Mediation? Litigation? How do you keep it all straight?” Spencer said to her attorney-dad.  Um. Aren’t you top of your class, Spencer? Yet SOMEHOW you can’t differentiate between the terms MEDIATE and LITIGATE?!  Listen, English is my second language and even BEFORE law school I knew the difference between those two words.  Spencer’s school needs to reevaluate the credentials they use to determine who is “top” of the class.  MAYBE, SPENCER, JUST MAYBE that’s why you didn’t get into your dream school!

Aria is going to break up with Jake! OMG!

He knows it’s coming.  He says “C’mon Aria, I can handle the truth.“

•  That’s a red flag for “I CANNOT handle the truth, I’m going to act calm and then I will lash out in a bad way! Don’t tell me!  Soften the blow!“

Hannah invites this new guy (I didn’t even bother listening for his name) to play pool with her….Isn’t she heartbroken about Caleb?? OH WAIT, I KNOW WHY! So we can have this obligatory shot:

 

Allison and Emily are gonna meet up tonight! Spencer is sooooooo jealous: “Wait why does she only want to meet with you?”

Get over it, Spencer! You suck!

Annnnnd later on what did Spencer do? RUIN the meet up! And dude, Emily is pissed. Honestly, this is the best acting I’ve seen from Shay Mitchell on this show.

Ohhhh Jake witnesses Ezra have a meltdown with a girl and hit her car! OMGEEEEE! OF COURSE HE DID!

• Why do I say that? So that Jake can tell Aria what he witnessed, and then Aria will say he’s making it up or exaggerating because Jake is mad about the breaek up, thus pushing the safe, age-appropriate choice further away and pushing Aria further into psycho-Ezra’s arms, which is EXACTLY what the writers want because that will make the blow of Ezra being A even MORE of a betrayal. Phew!
• Update: I was EXACTLY right. Gosh, I do LOVE being right.

Hannah’s mom takes her to a plate throwing “range”….it looks just like a gun range but instead of shooting guns, people put on goggles, get a lane, but instead of shooting a gun, they throw plates.  I googled this and guess what? It’s not a thing!  SHOCKER! SOMETHING ON THIS SHOW WAS MADE UP!??!!!

• Ok, wait, so Hannah’s at the dentist and A drugs her, injects her mouth with Novocaine and surgically injects something in her mouth. It is not made clear WHERE this foreign object was placed (i.e. gums, tooth?) but then later Spencer is able to remove it WITH TWEEZERS?!?!  So the surgical procedure that A did was to do what? And the blood on Hannah’s mouth?!
• ALSO, the note came out COMPLETELY CLEAN, NO BLOOD ON IT! UGHHHHHHH it makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS-A Is for A-l-i-v-e

WE ARE BACK IN ACTION!

After a painful hiatus, our favorite gang of statutory rapists, murders and teen spies and sluts is back!

Cold open, the girls lift open the trunk of the police car, only to find a dead pig. Scream!

Mona apparently knows how to dismantle a police car monitoring system, complete with a screwdriver she happened to have handy.  Because, ya know, what 16 year old who was committed against her will for insanity only to return to her high school as president of the debate team doesn’t? That’s what I thought.

Mona tells Emily that she made Emily strong, which pisses her off. Emily lunges halfheartedly towards Mona and as soon as Spencer says “Em-” she stops dead. THAT’S all it took to prevent Emily from bitch slapping her?!

A stern HALF name and she stops dead in her tracks?! It makes one think that she was never really committed to attacking Mona at all…….

SMH, Emily, you need to work on your follow though.

OMG I’M GETTING NAUSEOUS! THIS CAMERA KEEPS doing going around the girls in a circle, in what appears to be an attempt at cinematography but WILL end up with my dinner strewn on my laptop.

DETECTIVE RAPE-EYES IS DEAD!!! YAY!!!!!!!

OK, so apparently A has been hanging out in a trailer park, playing with kids and giving them dolls named after the girls.  This is creepy to me, NOT because of the dolls, not because A told the girls that her name is Allison, BUT BECAUSE a 16-17-year old is hanging out at a playground of the trailer park where she DOESN’T LIVE, giving little girls “presents” and becoming their “friend”.  This show has WAY TOO MANY age-inappropriate relationships.

“She’s like, Hannibal Lecter smart. If I learned anything from my mom, it’s to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.“–Hanna, let’s take a closer look at this statement, shall we?

1. Hannibal was a psychotic, cannibalistic and perceptive character who could point out one’s insecurities just by glancing at him.

Mona is a 16-year old girl on SSRI drugs, battling her everlasting bulimia and inability to cope with the oh-so hard ways of teen life in Rosewood, where high school attendance isn’t mandatory and no real life rules apply.

2. YOUR MOTHER?! HANNA! YOUR MOTHER HAD SEX WITH A COP, IN FRONT OF YOU, WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT, TO GET THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU DROPPED. Please, for the love of all that is A, stop taking her advice.

NO!

NO!

THIS IS STUPID! In an ALLEGEDLY SMALL TOWN IN NEW ENGLAND at a funeral of 60ish people, no one would walk in like this and ONLY get seen somehow by the four girls. NO.

NO, PLL. NO! SHAME ON YOU FOR ASSUMING WE ARE THAT stupid.

OH A LOCATION CLUE! THEY LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!!!!

There’s a hot new cop who looks like a hybrid of Adam Scott and Luke Wilson, but again, this cop has rape eyes.  Let’s place bets, which of the girls will he bone first?

I CALL HANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty Little Liars-S03 E21-Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Ahhh Spencer is going to tell the gang that Toby is working with Mona! ………….SHE DID IT!

So, I could be wrong, but I feel like Toby issn’t really working with Mona, but is pretending to so he can protect the girls.  OR, he’s evil. There’s always that.

Hannah’s mom is calling the hospital and her lawyer after hitting the cop with her car. Hannah somehow manages to convince her mom NOT to call the police.  In what fucked-up planet does the MOTHER of the teen give in to peer pressure?!?! WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE IS SHE SETTING FOR HER DAUGHTER?!  Someone needs to call DCFS ASAP!  And then take my acronyms away from me……

“If he loved me, he wouldn’t let me sit outside his loft crying for hours“– Well, that’s not true.  Also, you can’t blame Toby because YOU decided to melt-down in front of his rental and have bad coping skills with your relationships. Just sayin…..

Emily is so pretty. I don’t think I have said that on my blog, but she is just so damn pretty!

Aria storms into Ezra’s apartment with coffee and says “Hey babe!” only to be introduced to her peer, Malcolm.  Nope, not her peer, Ezra’s son.

Ezra just introduced Malcolm to Aria–THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE! Ezra! Jesus! Don’t introduce your son to your 16-year old fuck-buddy!

“I was hoping you could hang out for a little bit, get to know Malcolm“–Ezra, what the fuck? C’mon! I mean, I know being 16 she makes a great fuck buddy, jail-bait, AND a built in babysitter, but STILL, it’s too soon to introduce these children to each other! What if they get attached and then you decide to fuck someone more age appropriate? Your old should know better, Ezra. Shame on you!

Hannah and Emily are ransacking Toby’s apartment to search for clues.  They find a parking pass for Radley Sanitarium. This name for the mental hospital is a too-obvious reference to Boo Radley!  Are the writers trying to tell us that Toby is Boo, mysterious, quiet and seems on the outside to be bad but is secretly the hero?

Dude, with obvious references like this, I could be a writer on PLL, too!

OMG, there’s a montage of what’s supposed to be an adorable moment between Aria, Ezra and his son.  This is NOTHING BUT DISTURBING! Maggie seems unperturbed.  WTF?!  Alex Mack, you chemistry-lab-mutant-ass know better!!

AND NOW ARIA IS BABYSITTING FOR MALCOLM. Clearly no one on this show knows how to parent.

“Looks like someone’s been skipping their anger management class....but little tip on the orchids….make sure not to leave them in direct sunlight…I did once, they didn’t make it through the night”–Mona to Spencer.

There is so much wrong with that sentence.

1. MONA WAS IN AN INSANE ASYLUM AND IN A CATATONIC STATE, she is in NO PLACE to talk about management classes!!

2. If your orchids didn’t make it through the night when you left them in “direct sunlight”, again, at night, then maybe you don’t understand what direct SUNlight is, love….

“Detective” Wilden (the word detective is in quotes because this young ass psycho can NOT be a detective) is back! Or is he? Ominous glances are exchanged…..

Emily is asking her mom to file a missing person report on Toby. When her mom basically says that it’s not HER job at the police department to do that, it’s his family’s job, Emily vaguely replies “His family is away“.  Whatever happened to his family? Where did they go? Did it have something to do with his “blind” stepsister? Ack! My memory is failing me!

The dumb little brat, Malcolm, got injured on Aria’ watch! The writers are trying to imply that Aria is not qualified to care for a child BUT teenagers start babysitting at younger than that! Aria is AS qualified as anyone on Teen-Mom, which isn’t really saying much I guess…

OMG can we say they are dramatizing Malcolm’s fall? He scraped his MOTHER FUCKING CHIN. HIS CHIN. HE didn’t break anything, he CERTAINLY DOES NOT NEED TO BE AT A HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!! THE HOSPITAL? FOR A SCRAPE?!  Can we say ALARMISTS?!?!?!

Oh yay!  Someone left the recording of Detective Wilden threatening Hannah’s mom in her garage! I don’t know if this is supposed to be a threat but it’s actually great because it proves that Hannah’s mo, was acting in self defense!

Oooof, Aria is kicked out of Malcolm’s hospital area for not being “immediate family”….burn!

Spencer followed Mona to what appears to be a campsite with (SPOILER ALERT) Toby’s dead body.  Mona cries out “He’s dead” and runs away! Spencer chases after Mona’s voice! SO MUCH ANXIETY!!!!!! Spencer, get her! GET MONA! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

WAIT, Spencer stops to take a cry-break. CRY??! MOURN LATER, CHASE MONA DOWN NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Aria’s mom is “sad” for her because she says she doesn’t know how to help Aria with her “situation”.  Here’s how you can help, PIPER, DON’T LET YOUR HIGH SCHOOLER DAUGHTER DATE SOMEONE WITH AN 8-YEAR OLD CHILD.

Aria might break up with Ezra because of Malcolm. THANK GOODNESS. THIS WOULD BETHE WISEST THING TO DO. And in that sentence “wise” is subjective to the world of Pretty Little Liars.

These girls need to start carrying TAZERS with themselves! Or MACE! SOMETHING TO PROTECT THEMSELVES! JESUS.

WHY DID HANNAH TRY TO DESTROY THE EVIDENCE OF HER MOM ACTING IN SELF DEFENSE?! WHY DID HER MOM LISTEN TO HER?! THIS IS WHY MINORS AREN’T QUALIFIED TO MAKE BIG LIFE DECISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHH!

Someone vandalized Emily’s car and left her a package in it, and she calmly opens it without calling 911 or filing a police report?!  Whaaa?

WAIT, HOW did Hannah get Detective Wilden’s car to the lake? Did she DRIVE it there?!  AND NO ONE NOTICED?!  OR REALLY, WRITERS OF PLL??

Hannah’s mom is trying to justify her hit and run to her, “her” being Hannah, her teenaged, impressionable daughter.  That’s SUPER healthy (she said, with a bitchy amount of sarcasm in her voice).

IS SPENCER DEAD????  Wait no, she is jut crazy.  She is found by hikers in the woods in a catatonic state.

NEXT TUESDAY: No one can find Spencer! I don’t know why she can’t just say who she is to the mental hospital…….ah well, that’s for NEXT WEEK’s recap!!