PLL: Run, Ali, Run

We open with A being back.

Isn’t it obvious that the new A is Mona?? Are we supposed to think it’s someone else? If so, WHY?! What clues have told us that A is anyone BUT Mona?

“Why now?” Ali asks.

“That’s what we have to find out”-SPENCER, NO! Now it’s time to tell the cops! We know that Allison is alive and so NOW what’s holding us back from telling the cops?

Caleb is back and ever the voice of reason, he agrees with me! Tell the cops!!

I don’t understand why Aria never told the police that she killed Shauna anyways, it was SELF DEFENSE AND THERE WERE WITNESSES!!!! My god, the girl had a GUN in her hand! Now she looks guilty as f*ck!

“I would never take a life to cover up what you did!”-Ohhhh Spencer BURRRRNNNN! Your dad doesn’t love you that much!

So Spencer’s dad was ALLEGEDLY at the Lakehouse with Melissa the night Mrs. D was killed….but wouldn’t say doing what…..creeepyyyyyyy AND incesssssstttyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m telling you guys, Melissa and the dad have a Woody Allen-Soon Yi thing going on.

Wait A SNAPCHATTED Allison a video of burying her dead mom?!! Even for A that seems weird…also makes me think that Mona is definitely in on it! No wealthy (I assume A is a bazillionaire) adult in their right mind would use SNAPCHAT.

Ezra looks like a lovesick puppy….a 27-year-old lovesick puppy who misses his 16-17 year old prey…..so, erm, sweet?

Whoever this Bethany chick is, she must have HATED Mrs.D because look at the unflattering picture Bethany drew:

Wait, Alli’s dad left her alone for the night?! You think your daughter is DEAD, she comes back, your wife DIES, the house down the block blows up and yet you feel totally comfortable leaving your daughter home alone?!!? REALLY?! Dang Alli, guess your dad doesn’t love you that much….you can join Spencer in that club….

I don’t know how I feel about Caleb’s new sideswept Bieber-do….

Pretty Little Liars: Surfing the Aftershocks

We open on Allison’s mom’s funeral. They have used the word “buried” way too much in the first 3 minutes. I have counted 6 times and then stopped.  We get it. Her mom is dead and buried relax, k?

Spencer is being SOOOOOOO annoying. I wish Melissa would use her evil powers to do good and make her shut up.

Mona is the perfect “bad guy”…she’s just likable enough that we sorta like her, but soooo passive aggressive that we want to punch her. She might be the best thought out character on the show!

I forgot that Emily used to swim! Wow are we re-opening that story line? Huh, interesting (it’s not).

I ❤ Melissa! “Lot of matricide”–MATRICIDE!  She’s hilarious, a hoot if you will!

“Who do you think they’re more worried about, me or you?”-Spencer is SO MEAN to her sister! She has stolen TWO of  Melissa’s boyfriends/fiancees and then says that shit?  She needs to check herself.

“Blood is thicker than water…and it can also be very slippery”-Melissa says this ominously but I literally LOLed. Yes, Melissa, blood CAN be slippery I guess, in high volumes…but typically it’s more sticky than slippery, no?  Maybe I’m wrong. That quote was just too great!

OK I WAS RIGHT.: The funeral director thinks Hanna is Allison!  Early on in this blog I mentioned that the girls looked the same to me! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought so!

Damn Allison is still a super-bitch! WOW! “Oh that’s my friend Hannah. It used to be a little bit easier to tell us apart, didn’t it?”

That’s basically asking Hannah to confirm that she used to be fat! WHAT A BITCH! I’m with Melissa, these girls should have left Allison where she was.

In a flashback Mona says “Ever wonder what you’d look like on one of those fliers?”–I bet Mona’s thirst for attention and approval manifests itself by her fantisizing which glamour shot (c’mon, she’s definitely the in-the-mall-glamour-shot-feather-boa type) her family would use on the carton.

“When you sell a house, don’t you have to tell a new buyer about things like mold and termites and dead bodies?” -Do you? I am not sure.  I think you have to tell new buyers about termites because of the structural damage they pose, mold because of the health risk but dead bodies?  Unless the home’s foundation IS dead bodies, they don’t have to disclose that. BOOM, lawyered (drops mic and walks away…pauses wondering if she’s totally wrong about that. Shrugs, decides it doesn’t matter, continues walking away).

I’m confused as to the story line with Ezra–So if he WASN’T A, then why did he have all that shady stalking equipment?  To find out who A is? That’s still weird, right? Shouldn’t he just call the cops as the only adult in this situation?

“Ezra’s not a bad guy, Aria, he’s just a romantic”–Um having sex with a minor=bad guy definition. So, yeah, he is, Aria!

Hannah is having a lot of flashbacks and introspective moments! Wow!  I love this dialogue between her and Emily in the car about coming out and Hannah not being who she really is.

OK wait, is it just me or is there a LOT of sexual tension between Jason and Spencer?? Um, y’all are half siblings, chill out and put some ice on them burning loins, mmmmkay?

“If I didn’t give you the Alli-upgrade, who would you be?”- Mona should make that a service she offers, the Alli-Upgrade package, complete with bitchiness and an obsession with tacky clothes.

Whoa Spencer’s dad offers to give Allison a ride home in a creepy way…I would NOT get into his car!

Oh Spencer’s dad is being fought over by his daughters, Melissa vs. Spencer! Melissa says “Dad maybe we should tell her?” and the dad says “NO!”   I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE HIDING! MELISSA ISN’T REALLY HIS DAUGHTER AND HE AND MELISSA HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR! 

Don’t judge me, PLL made me this way! And look, don’t they look super guilty:

 

 

 

I’m struggling to understand why Aria is so upset about killing Shauna….I mean, it was self defense.  If she didn’t do it, Shauna woulda shot them all dead, no?  So why can’t she get past this?  I think the show is trying to convey that Aria is the most emotionally empathetic of the 4 (5 now?) girls but I’m also kind of over her wallowing.

 

Okay, that’s a wrap! We finish with Hannah dying her hair because she’s growing/changing as a person or something.

Pretty Little Liars: Free Fall

Aka Aria discovers the truth!  Ok, let’s start from the top!

This episode opens on Spencer in a dream sequence?? Nope, Spencer just slept at Ezra’s desk at school, obviously the more logical choice.

Ezra wants to tell Aria about his concerns about Spencer but he manages to make even a simple conversation sound as MOLESTY as humanly possible:  “Hey, Aria, I know youre going to history but I can write you a late pass. We need to talk“   Romance or rape, new drinking game for this show!

“She’s on amphetatimes…she’s a ticking time bomb and when she explodes I don’t want you to get hit by the shrapnel.”  This actually REALLY bothered me but not in the typical PLL-Total-Nonsense way, but in a more practical way.  As a teacher your job is to care about ALL of your students, not about your girlfriend-student getting hit by the shrapnel of your drug-addled student who’s really struggling!  I know, waayyyyyy too pragmatic of a complaint, I get it.

“I guess I’m willing to break the rules if it means helping Spencer”

1. See my comment above, he obviously does NOT care about helping Spencer (I know, I know, bigger picture he doesn’t care about helping Spencer because he’s A, but that’s a side complaint!)

2. He is willing to break the rules ALL THE TIME, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!  He slept with a 13-year old Allison, thought she got pregnant, tried to kill her, then created this A persona to lure 4 girls into being afraid of him, slept with ANOTHER underage student, got fired, rehired, bribed, and smashed a student’s car with a baseball bat.  HE BREAKS ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE IS A PSYCHOPATH!

Why is Toby looking goofier and goofier in every single episode?? Lookit:

“Maybe throw in a lasagna if you’re good and finish all your homework” Ok, let me be perfectly honest. I don’t know what Toby actually said.  I was passively listening at this point and heard that, and I tuned in when he said “if you’re good and finish all your homework.”  He could have said “Maybe throw in an upper-decker if you’re good.” and I would have reacted the same way.  Either way, he was trying to be cutesy/sexy and it really, really creeped me out.  

I find it repulsive when men try to play that dominant-daddy-teacher role like Toby is trying and, well, Ezra is ACTUALLY DOING.  It’s inappropriate in every single way possible.

Aria’s Brother: “I bet you were a cute baby”

Mona: “I had to wear corrective lenses as a baby”

Aria’s Brother: “that sounds adorable”

WHAT?!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!  Did Aria’s brother go to the school of Ezra-Creeping?!!? OR WORSE, does he think that baby Mona in corrective-lenses is adorable??  WHAT?! Just, no. I can’t even. UGH!

Oh Aria, all loyalty went out the window with one delirious, meth-induced rant from Spencer?  Not that im against Aria and Ezra breaking up but the way these two wax on and on about their undying love, I would not have thought an amphetime addiction by her friend would be the thing that breaks them up, ya know?

She finds one of Ezra’s journals in which hew wrote about Allison: “Lying was her oxygen…she could do it while she was laughing, she could even do it while she was kissing you.”

Wow, Ezra, for a writer, you suck at writing.

Annnnnnd Aria runs away!  “Aria, I know you’re out there! Why are you hiding from me?” Ezra shouts as he runs into the woods after her. I guess he’s done pretending to be normal.

1.       The best way to pretend you’re not suspicious of your boyfriend being a rapist/killer/psychopath is to act normal dude, don’t run into the woods screaming and panicking! PLAY IT COOL and call 911 under the kitchen table as he serves your underage ass wine.

2.       The best way to pretend youre not a rapist/killer/psychopath is to call Aria when you see she’s not home and just be like “hey babe, where are ya? I got dinner on the stove!”  NOT run into the woods screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!”

Also, Ezra’s home security system looks like a Leapfrog Learning Pad for children:

Ezra is saying he is a true-crime novelist writing about Allison.  He says he met her in college and she lied about her age and he believed her.

Have you TALKED TO a 13/14 year old?! No really, go talk to one. I will wait. Find your niece, nephew, cousin, sister, whatever. I’m waiting.

Did you do it??  Yeah. There is no way you could mistake her for a 20 year old, Ezra.  I can barely understand what teenagers are saying between their acronyms, slang, and pop-culture, let alone have an extensional discussion about the meaning of life.

THEN, THEN ARIA MAKES A NEW UGLY CRY FACE THAT RIVALS KIM KARDASHIAN AND DAWSON’S!

Spencer’s mom confronts her about her drug use and she says:

“You promised, you promised you wouldn’t go back to this….I can’t go through this with you again, I dont have it in me!” –WOW, SPENCER’S MOM?!  She is giving up on her daughter?!? Like 10000%  She’s saying she’s done trying. Maybe that’s why Spencer is so messed up, her own mother quits after 2 attempts at actual parenting. 

Maybe, just maybe, Spencer isn’t the worst, maybe she’s just a by product of absentee parents who just don’t love her enough.

PLL: Shadow Play

The episode opens with the girls snooping through Ezra’s office. And they find? Allison’s journal!

“My parents are out of town being lawyers.” Spencer says with contempt. Sorry, SPENCER, sorry that mom and dad have to pay the bills and make sure you have FOOD to eat! Ugh yeah, your parents are suuuuuch jerks! Jeebus!

“Emily, it’s all about the A-ness of things“…..which of course sounded like “anus” of things. HEEEE! BUTTHOLE JOKE! I love Hannah.

I know from previews that this episode is a film-noire episode, but is it going to be inspired by Spencer’s excessive, illegal substance abuse problems? Like she overloads on vyvanse and then hallucinates?

UPDATE: HOW DO I ALWAYS GUESS THE ANSWER?!?!

Either I’m super smart or this show is really easy to predict. I choose to believe the former.

Ugh I have already lost patience with this, these kids are barely good enough actors to handle speaking like modern-day teens, let alone adults in the 1940s in a film noire.

“I can pay for my own coffee,” Spencer says.

“It’s 15 cents, I’m good for it,” Ezra replies. I entered this amount in an inflation calculator in the hopes of catching the show in a huge mistake and mock it for the error. But alas, that 15 cents for a cup of coffee is on par with current times (2.50 now). Darn them for doing their research!

“All those pills, Spencer, not good.” Cool, brah, thanks for the advice. Toby is so smart.

I can’t tell if this is all part of Spencer’s fantasy or if the events are real, just dramatized by her drug-induced haze. This lighting and make-up shows that not everyone looks good in a red lip. And I’m not trying to be mean! I look awful with a red lip, so I feel for those girls who do, too. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see Alli looks the most stunning in this set-up!

“I’m not as used to walking the streets as Mona is.” HA! Hannah, even in the face of death, has a pun ready.

Aria: “I used to be a tomboy. I would spend more time in our tree in our front yard than in my bedroom”

Paige: “What changed?”

Aria: “When I fell in love for the first time. I lost all interest in tree-climbing. I guess you just grow out of it.”

WOW. Aria. WTF. Did you just imply that being athletic is a phase girls grow out of when they fall in love? OR WORSE, did you just tell Paige, who is gay and dating your friend, that being gay is a phase you grow out of? Aria is competing with Spencer for being the WORST and Aria is WINNING at it. Maybe I misunderstood, but I don’t think I did.

“I’m so tired of thinking, I just want to sleep!” Spencer cries. It’s 1940, women aren’t supposed to think, Spencer! Just sit there and look pretty, and try not to talk back to any men. (This is all said sarcastically, I do not endorse sexism)

Is the implication in this storyline that Allison is a stripper?? That’s so sad because that happens to runaways all the time! Furthermore, the underage stripping is a one-way ticket to sex-trafficking.

“You’re all the time talking about how you want the answer.” Toby, as someone for whom English was a second language, I judge you. That was the FOB-iest sentence ever, in life. I know this is film noire but c’mon, you’re not a French person trying to get a grasp on the English language!

On the plus side, Ezra’s eyes seem much less dead than during last week’s episode! Not saying that they’re full of joie de vivre, but noticeably less brain-dead! Maybe next week he will transition from not-dead to actually menacing? Or do we think this is the best Ian can do?

Pretty Little Liars-S03 E22-Will the Circle Be Unbroken?

WAIT, the episode opens with no one knowing where Spencer disappeared! Melissa says “You’re her friends!” In a VERY judgy tone for someone who has tried to kill their sister….Although Spencer DID steal all of Melissa’s boyfriends and fiancees so she DID kind of have it coming.

Spencer is in Radley as a Jane Doe. She’s speaking but won’t tell them who she is. She keeps smirking, ugh, it’s so annoying!  STOP SMIRKING, SPENCER, YOU DON’T POSSESS ANY SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE OTHER THAN YOUR IDENTITY!

Now Spencer is “playing cards” (looking though a deck of cards) in her room at Radley and comes across the Joker and stares at it knowingly. SPENCER, I know in your min you are a hipster-emo girl whom no one understand except for the Joker, but stop giving knowing glances to inanimate objects.

Spencer is in the common room of Radley when her Rosewood psychiatrist comes up behind her.  Spencer turns around and says “Olly Olly Oxen Free.”  

A hide-and-seek reference, Spencer? C’mon! Aren’t you tired of playing mysterious?  Isn’t it exhausting? Don’t you want to go back to being a know it all?  Am I tired of asking rhetorical questions?

OMG, mother-daughter eating disorders!  Hannah’s mom says “I just want a pretzel” while biting into a carrot.  Hannah looks at her mother disdainfully and says “just put some salt on it”.  I want this show to portray ONE HEALTHY PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP! JUST ONE, ABC FAMILY! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!

DETECTIVE WILDEN IS ALIVE!!

“All this time I thought you were being cruel…I didn’t know it’s because you’re unwell.” Spencer’s sister is NOT convincing me that she is innocent….

The doctors at Radley are giving Spencer “shot gun” antibiotics.  Hmmm, shoddy research PLL writing staff….shot-gun antibiotics are not recommended because that helps create the antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria!

“Somewhere in the past I had an ancestor with a flock up some mountain” -A Radley orderly named “Eddie Lamb”.  Now, I may be socially awkward but people don’t typically describe the origin of their name on first meeting someone, right??  I know the writers want to let us know his character is important but couldn’t they find a better way?? “SOMEWHERE IN the past AN ANCESTOR had a flock UP some mountain”???  So his name comes from ONE family member who didn’t understand how to raise sheep??  Cute.

“She’s not allowed visitors because they’re doing some sort of evaluation”–I can say this with authority because a psychiatrist is sitting next to me, THERE IS NO SITUATION where a psych patient’s friends wouldn’t be able to visit during visiting hours, unless they’re smuggling drugs or something.  So either the writers didn’t consult any real psychiatric professionals OR Hannah tried to smuggle meth. One of the two.  Let’s see how this plays out.

Meth. It’s meth.

Jk.

Spencer’s psychiatrist is talking about her patient, SPENCER, to Spencer’s friends….THAT VIOLATES HIPPA! THAT IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

“He’s a good teacher” Aria’s mom says about Ezra. WHAT. THE. FUCK. THIS MAN TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOUR 15-YEAR OLD CHILD! HE IS NOT A GOOD TEACHER IN ANY WAY!

A REAL Olympic Gold medalist is on PLL!!!! Missy Franklin!

This orderly is being all kinds of inappropriate with Spencer! Telling her confidential stuff, then asking her why she didn’t eat her pudding and THEN saying “Delayed gratification…shows patience”……DOES HE MEAN THE TAPIOCA PUDDING OR THE ONE BETWEEN SPENCER’S LEGS?!?!

Of all the rooms in Radley, Spencer is in the one MONA WAS IN?!?! Radley looks like a big building….AND THE DESK STILL HAS MONA’S ETCHINGS ON IT!

This place needs to be upgraded:

“There’s things about this situation that I haven’t been able to explain to her” Ezra says. Why hasn’t he been able to explain it to her? BECAUSE SHE IS STILL ON THE 5th GRADE READING LEVEL?!?! BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD?!?! OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!

OMG EZRA AND ARIA’S DAD ARE BONDING AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR COMMONALITIES–HAVING CHILDREN! EWWWWW!!!!!

Why is this former marine who is an order worried about his job security now telling Spencer CONFIDENTIAL SHIT?! YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB, MARINE!

WHAT. IS. ARIA. WEARING??!?! Does she now work the street corners?!

Aria is called into the principal’s office!!  The school is being responsible!! Ezra applied to be teacher in her district and the principal wants to make sure that there were no inappropriate things going on!  YAY! AN ADULT BEING RESPONSIBLE ON THIS SHOW!!!!

WAIT, SPENCER ISNT ALLOWED VISITORS but MONA CAN VISIT HER?!?! AND WITH A BOX OF TREATS WHICH COULD ALSO BE METH?! What kind of operation is Radley running?! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

And Spencer is in this “common room” so what would stop someone from saying they are visiting another patient and then just seeing her?

“If I killed [Toby], why would I want to talk to you?”  This sounds familiar….

“You’re not crazy, you’re as sane as I am” Mona says to Spencer. That’s as comforting as a wet willy….unless you’re into that, in which case, find another simile.

“All I want from you and your mother is that car” Detective Wilden said, his eyes as rapey as they have ever been.

Spencer’s monologue at the end is actually pretty heart breaking. BUT ALSO CONFUSING!  Spencer is hallucinating I think?

And the episode ends with “A” looking at what? Comic books? In an RV?? These glimpses into “A” reveal nothing except if A is not a peer, he/she is most certainly a pedophile.

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 5

1. Ezra’s ex is in the picture!  Aria is introduced as a former student.  “I thought the whole point of you working here was so that you didn’t have to introduce me as a former student.”

NO.  The whole point of him becoming a PROFESSOR is to ADVANCE HIS CAREER! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, ARIA!  Who are you, SPENCER?

2. SPOILER ALERT: Ian was found dead with a suicide note admitting to killing Allison.

And cue the drinking of tea from a mug with BOTH HANDS.  These girls are gonna be incapacitated by their tea.

3. Aria is pissed because at Ian’s funeral Ezra told her parents that he was there to support all his students instead of admitting his love for her.

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T DATE 16-YEAR OLDS!  They make everything about them, even at someone’s funeral!

3. At Ian’s funeral they show the Pretty Little Liars putting dirt on Ian’s grave.  That seems to be in poor taste, no?  These girls blamed Ian for killing Allison and did not stop until they found him dead (potentially murdered).  Having them put the dirt on his grave seems almost glib…..

4.  Allison’s brother has now said he was “out of it last summer” or “loaded last summer” 5 times in one episode.

We get it, you liked to get high!  You aren’t the first person to smoke pot! Jesus!

5. Caleb just brought Hannah take-out and a GIANT 3lb BAG OF ICE! “You know when guys buy girls ice, that’s not what they mean” Hannah says.

Please tell me that I missed something here.  Was it literally JUST FOR THE PUN!?

6. A leads the girls to the cemetery where A projects a video onto a mausoleum.  The girls look around frantically for the projector/source of the video.

Guys.  The projector is going to be ACROSS FROM THE VIDEO. BOOM. Problem solved.

Ugh these girls are so dumb sometimes, I cannot handle this!  Onto episode 6….

Pretty Little Liars Season 2 Episode 2

SPOILER ALERTS!

Ian might be alive and Melissa might be hiding him!

1. Aria is being passive aggressive with Ezra….again, being 16….actually, adults do that, too, so moving on…..

2. Ok, when I was in high school there were rules on what we could wear! Your shorts/skirts have to be fingertip length or two inches above the knee.

No tank tops, no spaghetti straps.

No clothing with holes in it, even intentional holes

No visible tattoos.

These kids have broken ALL of these rules! Even the tattoo one (I’m looking at you, Toby).

3. “ When I hide something, it stays hid“-Allison
My spellcheck got angry and tried to fix that sentence. Because when I talk English, I talk good.

4. OMG best scene ever below. Underage student making out with her teacher with YELLOW SCHOOL BUSES IN THE BACKGROUND!!! Soo, erm, romantic? Nope, creepy, sooooo creepy: