The Gloves Are On

“We’re here to chill not spill“-Hannah those two things go hand-in-hand, m’dear!

Um Sara is at the spa chillin’, too!

How stupid is Hannah, she deleted the exact recordings that were necessary, now her mom might lose her job and the police are looking into this! Ahhhh! Hannah you are so dumb. For real.

Silver jag? Didn’t Mad Men teach us that Jaguars are shitty cars?

Wait Spencer suddenly has a desire to tell the truth?  ALL she has done for 4 years is LIEEEE and now suddenly she be like “nah i’m good, imma be unnecessarily honest, tnx”

“I know you like to shop out of other people’s carts….maybe you’re more comfortable with lying than you think”-MELISSAAAAAA IS BACK and Spencer just got rekt.

Spencer IS the worst and Melissa knows better than anyone how much Spencer likes other women’s men!

“Ezra there’s some horrifying images”-Aria on the contents of Ezra’s thumb drive. Um. What? Where is this going? Is Ezra a pedo now? How horrifying can the images be?!  ARIA YOU BETTER HAVE SCREENSHOTTED THAT SHIT!

“Ezra likes small women get a grip!“-So are we getting a clue as to those horrifying images….

This is what Aria found on Ezra’s thumbdrive:

“I think you need to relax”-Reporter says this to Spencer, truer words have never been spoken.

“I’ve heard of inner-circles but leaving your daughter out, that’s cold.”-This reporter is my favorite, after Queen Melissa of course!

WHA?! Emily spent ALL THE MONEY her dad left her!? And now Emily is donating her eggs!? SHIT IS HEAVY! Like this is legit stuff people consider when they go broke. Wow. I can’t decide if I am proud of the show for keeping this situation real or disappointed because my expectations are fantasy-level-unrealistic. What’s next, Emily finding out ways to refinance her leftover student loans? Signing up for obamacare?

Lucas is lying a lot for Hannah, despite his poor automotive choice he’s a good guy!

“Honest? You are not asking me to change your grade you are asking me to confess to murder.“-Ezra, changing grades isn’s exactly cool either, bro.

I love that when Ezra yells at the women who intruded into his home accusing him of murder, they act incredibly victimized and scared. Like really, what did y’all expect?

Wait but really, did Ezra just confess to killing Charles/Charlotte or is he saying he’s just happy that she’s dead??!

AHHHHH SPENCER AND CALEB?! NOOOOO! GROSS! NOOOOOO! WHY IS HE CARESSING HER!?!?! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

PLL-Game On, Charles

Yesterday should have been the day I posted this, but I am traveling for work and I mixed up my time zones so I missed the airing 2 nights ago.  Still on a work trip and in a rental car, I spent the better part of last night lost trying to find my way back to the hotel.  So now I am FINALLY POSTING a BELATED RECAP to the SUMMER PREMIERE!  Why was that in call caps? I don’t know! I know nothing, Social Snow.

At the top we start with a press conference starring Ali begging for privacy.  Did the reporter just say FOURTEEN girls???! Did A steal more?! DID I MISS SOMETHING?!

A few things off the bat struck me.  When Hannah uses the word “facetiously” Emily says “Wow Hannah, that’s an eleven letter word”.

I must be missing something because 1) that’s a really unnecessary and snide comment to make when you’ve been in this man-made prison for 3 weeks! 2) Emily’s math is NOT that good! I don’t buy it!

During the scene where the girls wake up undressed I hope you all were as creeped out as I was because WHO THE FRACK UNDRESSED THEM!? The girls seemed unperturbed by their lack of clothes and simply checked their bodies for wounds evidencing organ harvesting.  They were not concerned at all about Charlie’s Josh Duggaresque actions!

I want to know what the girls see when they go into their own rooms.  From looks on their faces and their reactions, the witnessed something graphically disturbing.  Maybe they saw their parents….nope, not gonna think about it! Moving on…..

ANDREW CAMPBELL is the prime suspect?!  Remember last season when I said he might be A? Oh you don’t remember? Good thing I hyperlinked it HERE FOR YOU! I called it! #PWNED

I don’t know who I just owned by predicting something so predictable but it felt good to say it. Now the question is, if he IS A, is he really Charlie or is he working WITH Charlie? Or is he fronting the money?

OMG THESE GIRLS ARE SO DUMB! SO MANY idiotic things happen that make me think they really have no sense of self preservation!

So they get into Charlie’s lab and instead of looking for internet access, phone, landline something to signal for help, they decide burning his stuff in the enclosed space in which they are standing would be a good idea. Nevermind, the carbon monoxide! Screw suffocation! Let’s “mess” with Charlie! Then Emily, realizing Charlie didn’t care, was like “let’s throw a blanket on the fire!”

Emily, you should have thought of that before! Between your letter counting off the top of your head, your college acceptances, and your killer dance moves,  you should be the one to stop the girls from doing stupid things. Or dance your way out!

At this point in the episode I’m waiting for them to die.  THEN Spencer holds a doll up to the camera and says “Give us Mona back!”

GIVE US MONA BACK!? You finally have a tool to bribe your captor, the one who has control of your life and you use it to ask him to BRING ANOTHER CAPTIVE BACK!? Why not ask for your freedom?!! ASK FOR YOUR FREEDOM YOU STUPID GIRLS!

This other person in the dungeon, we later find out is Sarah Harvey, I was convinced it was Charlie in a wig….whoops!

The ending was surprisingly revealing! We got to see the girls reconnected with their significant others and Mona…stand alone awkwardly!  So is it safe to assume that Aria and Andrew are over? Probably not, remember when we thought Ezra was A and then they got back together? Yeah, with this show ANYTHING can happen!

UPDATE:  I was not the only one who heard “fourteen” instead of “four teen girls”! Apparently this was something a lot of people heard but rest assured, she said FOUR teen girls.

Pretty Little Liars: Over A Barrel

Do these girls go to school?  Maybe the reason Aria didn’t get into college is because these girls are always at coffeeshops or trying to solve murder mysteries!  GO STUDY! Do something related to your academics!

Where is this coffeeshop that coffee is only FIFTY CENTS?!  Is it 1991 again!?  I want coffee shops to only charge 50 cents!

Okay, the register printing Aria’s letter? I mean, are we even going to discuss this? Or should we just file this in the “stupid things that would never happen” folder a la Days of Our Lives when Marlena was possessed by the devil.

Wait the chick that Ezra hired to cater his party is now working at Emily’s coffeeshop?!?! Or did Ezra buy the entire coffeeshop and I missed it because apparently he owns it now?

Johnny is going to live in the barn and he pays his rent in coins….cool…he also looks like a character from Buffy circa 1998 with that short sleeved plaid shirt over his long sleeved shirt.

Also, the new tenant says to Spencer “So your boyfriends a cop?” and she replied “Yeah…he wasn’t always….”

Huh? Of course he wasn’t always a cop, no one was “always” their professional career…was that worth saying? That was such an awkward way to end the scene! Spencer says that, shoves her hands into her pocket and the scene lasts another second or two, then cuts abruptly.

Pastor Ted is back and has to meet with Hannah? Ohhhh is she going to tell on her mom for sleeping with Jason DiLaurentis?!

Jason looks creepy/weird as hell with a beard….what is going on with his facial hair??!

“You’re talking about 1017 aren’t you, that smell, ugh! They ought to do something about it, it’s really unsanitary!” That is the writers’ way of weaving a random 3rd party, Mrs. Horowitz, to tell Spencer that basically there’s a dead body in that unit.

#WhatsInTheBarrel just flashed on the screen! I have seen enough Breaking Bad to know what a yellow suit and a barrel mean! DEAD BODY IN ACID IS WHAT IT MEANS!

“So she’s either pickled or dissolved?” Caleb asks…..I don’t know about you guys but I am a very visual person and maybe it’s because I am battling a stomach bug but I gagged a LOT when he said that….barf….AHHH now I can’t get the image of pickled Mona out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHOCOLATE BROWNIES AND PIZZA AND 30 ROCK RERUNSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hannah’s mom is kind of a hoe…no judgement but dating a pastor and cheating with your daughter’s friend? Hoe, fo sho.

So we see Aria’s contact card with Ezra’s name and number….

Who else out there called that number?  Just me? K, cool, just so you know it’s an ATT directory service number, nothing exciting haha!