PLL: Charlotte’s Web

Whoa, why is everyone making Aria feel shitty about getting back to work?? Hannah needs to pull back the attitude!

Aria probably did something with Ezra and is trying to flee by making work an excuse.

WAIT EMILY’S DAD DIED!?!?! OH shit! I didn’t realize that! I am guessing it was referenced last episode with that military thing in their window but I did not know what that was.  God I thought previous episodes of this show were dark, but this season is real and dark.

Hannah’s man is British? Ohhhh intrigue! His accent is awful, is this actor american??

Update: He is not British! He’s Australian.

OH I was right, Aria DID sneak out to see Ezra! I knew it! I don’t know why I am so impressed with myself as though I solved the ending of True Detective Season 1, but I am proud of myself!

Did anyone cringe when Allison said grace at the table? Yikes, that was so awkward….

Ohhhhh what did Emily have an appointment for at Hollis? For her pill addiction? Fingers crosseed! The show’s creator said:

“It’s a big part of her storyline. What she’s hiding is definitely her biggest storyline of the season. It’s one big secret tied into two secrets. Two of her secrets are folding into the giant, bigger secret.”

Let me lay out the cards now, I think Emily has diabetes and is trying to hide it from her mom to protect her!

Did Caleb and Spencer hook up?? Or will they? OR BOTH!?

Shit y’all, Ezra is DARK. Between Ezra, Emily’s dad, Emily’s addiction/illness, Charlotte’s murder, and Sara this season is dark AF! What is happening? Do teen girls like this new season? I feel like it’s less relatable than prior seasons.

HANAH deleted evidence before hopping into bed with her Aussie-Not-British-Beau! I mean I guess it’s not evidence yet but it will be! That was cute when you were 17 Hannah, but you’re 22 now so you really, really need to think about the consequences of your actions (getting charged as an adult will suck a lot more than as a minor).

OMG MELISSA IS BACK NEXT EPISODE! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Melissa is my fav! Spencer is the worst and I cannot wait to have her back to give it to Spencer for totally boning (or trying to bone) Caleb!

 

PLL: Out Damned Spot

Cmon, now the titles are just gibberish!

Do the writers even try anymore?! No, I know, the answer is no. Why do I bother asking? BECAUSE, I expect growth from everyone, including, might I add, these characters who have been in high school for 5 years…

Um why is everyone taking Emily’s cookies? And not in a sexual sense, they are literally taking cookies from her! They’re going to give her an eating disorder…..which might actually be a new plot twist.

WHAT IS IN THE COOKIES?! Mike (Aria’s rarely seen brother) came to the blood drive to steal cookies?! I guess plot twists are getting few(er) and far(ther) in between.

WHO IS THIS GUY that Aria is copying off of? Did they pick him up off of Jump 21 Street?!!? HE’S A NARC! HE’S AT LEAST 34!

Update: After writing this I looked him up, he was born in 1988 so fine, I concede that he’s not in his early 30s, he’s in his late 20s….

I have never heard of someone being denied financial aid.  Even my friends whose parents were extremely wealthy received financial aid. I know Rory didn’t get financial aid but that made sense, her mom got a huge chunk of money from her inheritance, that shows lack of need.

THE OUTFIT! GUYS! ON BARN GUY! JUST, ARG, JUST LOOK:

Acid washed cut-off denim vest over a camouflage hoodie….ack!

TALIA IS MARRIED!?!?! TWIIIISTTTTT!  See, young Emily, this is what happens when you date an ADULT, they might be secretly married!  Date your own age….actually, that goes for ALL of you young ladies! And while I’m at it, COVER UP! You’re going to school, not work at a brothel!

Sorry, I needed  say that.

Of course Spencer had to fall into this new, crazy-eyed man’s arms and feel something. Let me remind you that she and Toby are STILL together, they never officially broke up! You’re not Ross and Rachael, you cannot push those boundaries and think it will be okay!

27-year old high schooler looked at Aria’s texts when ever-so-slowly handing over her phone….a move that I have actually pulled quite often (sorry friends, family, etc to whom I have done this)….seeing it acted out I realize that it’s not quite as smooth as I thought it was.  I need a new snooping-move….but back to the show.

Dr Horton from Days of Our Lives (aka Hannah’s dad) is BACK! YESSSSSS!  His aged and weathered face is a reminder of both my own age and mortality in general.

See, this is why my dad should have taught me to drive a manual car, because then I could chase my little brother who is stealing blood from the blood bank to (I assume) sell to vampires at the local Rosewood sleazy-bar! That should be a new show! The spinoff! They can call it Ravensblood (RIP RavenSwood).

WAIT, IS MIKE ACTUALLY DOING UNDER-COVER-BIKER-PORN!?  Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous that Aria will find out! And it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility with this how.

melissahastings@ptmaisls.com ?! THAT is her fake email? That sounds like an older, foreign person (I can say that, I’m foreign…actually sounds like my mom) asking about checking email–“I vant to check emails, yes? Much like?”
Ahhh I think I have to send it an email, right!?

Okay done, email sent! Maybe Melissa will answer! Update: The email bounced back, BOOOO!

Ezra: “My parents…didn’t think I’d amount to much”

Hannah: “How’d it turn out”

Ezra: (what I wish he said) “Well look at me! I was on a great career track until I knowingly lied and took advantage of my 15 year old student, got a job teaching at university only to be demoted and never being able to hold a steady job, all due to ONE mistake–boning a veritable child for funsies. LEARN from my mistakes, Hannah! Have sex with people your own age!”

Also, not to sound like a total square but carrying blood around in your pocket is very unhygienic, Mike.  You don’t know what these girls have!

“You are like the queen of not helping!“-Spencer is 1000% a FRENEMY! Shut up, Spencer, at least Hannah got into college (buuuuurrrnnnnnn!)

So now A is a millionaire, blood spatter analyst, DNA expert master manipulator. Just making sure we all understand.

Ahhh we end with a preview of Hannah’s dance routine for the pageant! Yayy! Until next week!

 

 

PLL: The Silence of E Lamb

Why is everyone scared of Emily’s mom?

I LOVE HANNAH’S NEW PUNK ROCK LOOK!!!!!!!!!!

Whoaaaa when Hannah reaches for Caleb’s fries he gives her a death stare. Gawd, Cale-ub, Hannah’s stressed, k? Don’t be so judgy about her eating a few fries! Ugh, MEN! #amiright?

Is it just me or is Caleb REALLY, like REALLY made up, right? Like too much foundation, guy-liner and bronzer. He looks super pretty, though!

“I just know you from what you left behind…like a tornado…“–Deep metaphor, Caleb. You should be a writer.

“Dad wants to sell the house. The house Melissa, this is our home.”- Spencer, I’m confused, can you clarify for me? What does dad want to sell?

Ohhhhhh Caleb brought over beers to celebrate being a rebel, he’s SOOOOOOOO BAAAADDD! Oh he also brought his perfectly made-up face! Just take a gander at his visage:
>

“What you gonna do little girl when you got no hands?”-Rhonda is pretty rad, I love her.

“Maybe you can have a headache in 2 weeks along with the cramps, am I right?”–HOW DOES EMILY KNOW HANNAH’S PERIOD CYCLE?!?!!

OMFG….So Aria is in Rhonda’s room and has to hide under her bed and Rhonda comes in and lays down on the bed and the directors made a point of showing how the bed bows and goes down a lot .  That’s really freaking mean!  WTH!  So Rhonda has curves, who cares! That is so mean to make a point of showing how the bed might crush Aria! ABC Family is becoming (more) very brass and insensitive!

This episode is ridiculous!  Emily’s mom is having all the TEENAGE girls over and she’s serving VODKA?! She’s serving HARD LIQUOR to minors??  WHAT PLANET are we on where that’s something that should be televised as cool??  Are we going to next show teens smoking and make it look “cool“?

And it’s not like Emily’s mom has been painted as a hippy a la Maya’s mom, or that she’s negligent.  So it’s just an ordinary mom serving hard liquor to kids.  Where’s the absinthe, ma??

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Allison is telling Hannah not to date Caleb so that Alli can have aaaallll her little minions all to herself!  What a wench! They should drop her.

Ohhhhhhh Caleb and Hannah kisssssssssss! WOOT! Guys, he’s acting super effeminate even when kissing Hannah!  What is going on with Caleb?!

“She was drinking”-Emily’s said.

“In front of your mom?!”-Aria asks, shocked.  Ummmm, Aria–EMILY’S MOM PROVIDED THE ALCOHOL!! Emily conveniently leaves that part out.

 

I’m confused as to why Hannah didn’t get the text.  Also, who’s engagement party invitation are we looking at, who are Zack and Ella and who is the person it’s addressed to, Pam Fields?!?!?! SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<br /

PLL Halloween Special!

I wonder if you need a permit to have a party on a graveyard? Or permission from the family members of the deceased? Either way, it seems uber-disrespectful to the dead. These mofos are ASKING for a ghost haunting!

There are lots of allusions to twins in this episode, are the writers trying to tell us that Allison IS dead but her twin is alive (or vice versa)?

EMILY DECIDED TO MAKE THIS FACE:

Caleb is on a bus to Ravenswood but there’s a problem: the bus is clearly from 1970.

Some girl sits next to him and asks “Have any gum?”

Caleb- ” I do, in my car”– USELESS fucking answer, Caleb! That’s like saying “I do, in the store, after I buy it…”

BTW, dude this Miranda girl needs to check herself, if I was the old dude in the back and some young little bitch tried to steal my chips while I was asleep, I’d straight up shiv her, no joke.

So coincidentally Miranda also grew up in foster care and is going to Ravenswood to find her “uncle”. Caleb decides to weigh in with some safe advice:

“You’re crashing someone’s life with a cannon ball and there might be an explosion”
Cool metaphor, bro.

These girls go into a mausoleum to find Allison! Good idea! That’s not disrespectful to the family of the dead at all!

And of course there’s a secret entrance to a house that, just by looking at the layout of the graveyard, cannot be closer than 2-3 miles away but somehow can be walked to in moments.

“Help me” is ominously written on the wall of the mausoleum in what appears to be blood.

Hannah, in an attempt to contract HIV, takes off her glove to touch the human fluid and SNIFF IT!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!

So more boring, kitschy-scary stuff happens and Hanna is locked in an old-school phone booth, while Miranda saves her.

Flash forward 2 minutes and Hanna is now invested in Miranda 2 seconds after meeting her, inviting her over and shit.

Gawd, way to seem desperate Hanna! Play a LITTLE hard to get! Yeesh!

“It’s an open invitation” says Hanna to Miranda when they hug goodbye. Someone’s been listening to too much Selena Gomez.

They get back to Rosewood, WITH EZRA WHOM WE KNOW IS A, and we end the episode with the girls FINALLY CONFRONTING:

 

ALLISON IS ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty Little Liars-Getting Caught Up!

Is it just me or is this show becoming more and more like a daytime soap opera?

Between the egregious product placement, LONGGGG commercial breaks, and poor acting by attractive people, I feel like it’s 1999 and I’m watching Passions, wondering if the crazy yet stunning Theresa will ever win Ethan over…..And I am sure 90% of you don’t get that reference but if you do, kudos because it’s a wacky one!

Aria’s flavor of the week looks like a Channing-Tatum-wannabe but somehow even WORSE of an actor and awkward screen-presence. He keeps bumbling around the screen shirtless, dramatically raising his eyebrows more than necessary and attempting to smirk but instead it looks like the grimace of someone who ate too much protein and is now constipated.

SORRY, that was a lot.  My issue is that this show had poor acting and excessive soap-opera feel to begin with. Why add more?!  It literally PAINS me to watch some of these people attempt to act.

OH THEY MENTIONED EMILY’S BIRTHDAY! SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW IS ACTUALLY AGING! I wonder if they will tell us how OLD she is?!

Jenna is found floating in a lake, eyes open like the dead. But she’s not dead. Which begs the question- why were her eyes open?!!!?!

Ok wait what?! Jenna was hit in the head, presumably by A, in a way to INTENTIONALLY prevent her from remembering something about A?!  THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE! YOU CANT JUST KNOCK SPECIFIC MEMORIES OUT OF SOMEONE’S BRAIN! 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:

WREN IS BAAACK! Apparently working full-time at Radley. He is SO lucky that he was able to complete medical school, start his residency in psychiatry apparently, AND FINISH IT in the matter of 4 years. He completed 8-10 years of education and work in 4.  Thank GOODNESS he lives in this magical fake world where stupid, unreasonable and illogical shit happens.

Emily is staying at Allison’s house in her old room?!?!? WTF?!?!!

“Sorry it’s so chilly, furnace is acting up.” Allison’s mom says.  WHAT COUNTRY DO THEY LIVE IN THAT THEY NEED A FURNACE IN AUGUST!?!?!?!

EZRA ISN’T MALCOLM’S DAD! OMG! ZOMG! Malcolm is WHY he and Aria broke up! Will they get back together?! BUT WHAT ABOUT HER DOE-EYED NEW MAN-CANDY!?!?!

There’s a pretty brown chick on the show!

Allison’s mom is nuts and I am 89% sure THAT SHE IS A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m SERIOUS! She is wackadoodle enough to be A and she has access to all of Allison’s stuff so she could have learned all the girl’s secrets!

This ancillary storyline about Toby is getting old and I don’t care! Weird sheet music? Meh. It’s REALLY not compelling.

Spencer’s mom is talking to an unrepresented potential criminal defendant……. annnnnnd threatens to have her put behind bars…….”I have ways to see to it that you rot in a cell until your hair turns grey“–> LADY, you putting your career in jeopardy over a 16 year old girl. Now we know where Spencer gets her (lack of) PRIORITIES from!

Yeah guys, A is TOTALLY Allison’s mom! I REALLY THINK IT’S HER!

Allison’s mom knew she hung out with CC, a college co-ed?!  WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW YOUR 14-year OLD DAUGHTER TO HANG OUT WITH A 20-YEAR OLD!?!?!? DONT YOU QUESTION WHY A 20-YEAR OLD WOULD NEED A 14-year OLD FRIEND!?!?!! THAT IS SO INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Pretty Little Liars-FACE TIME

“If I dressed like that in high school, my dad would have had a stroke.”-Nurse and later Dr. Cruz from Nip/Tuck, aka the new cop in town.

“A big lie gives you something to hang on to, trouble starts when you shave the truth and it gets all twisted up.“-Hanna, what?? No seriously, what?!!  ALL OF YOUR LIES HAVE WORKED AGAINST YOU!!!!!!!!

“I’m not jealous!” Spencer exclaims, her voice FULL of jealousy.

Emily’s 12-year old doctor is SO stupid. Seriously guys.  I can’t even type out all the ways he is stupid.

“Why don’t you come over anymore?” Malcolm asks Aria. Kid, she came over twice, one time which she may or may not have neglected you and sent you to the ER. Chill out.

Toby tracks down his mother’s psychiatrist and demands to know the truth of his mother’s suicide.

OMG HIPPA VIOLATIONS! HIPPA VIOLATIONS! HE CAN’T TELL TOBY THIS INFORMATION! I EVEN GOOGLED IT TO BE SURE!

Ohhhh this guy is crazy and demented. I get it. No HIPPA violations, he is crazy.

Spencer is cuntily narrating her sister falling into her trap.  UGH I HOPE Melissa is A and out to get Spencer.

Ok, the girls are filming Melissa, at what appears to be dusk, and from what appears to be about 20 feet away from her outside the window.  AKA in the real world these girls are in PLAIN SIGHT OF MELISSA. SHE WOULD SEE THEM AND RUN OUTSIDE AND BE LIKE.

“Spencer you little slore, stop filming me!” And then she would smack Spencer in the mouth for being a bitch.  That’s what I wish happened. But no, Spencer somehow goes unnoticed.

More Allison Masks! ROWS AND ROWS OF ALLISON MASKS! WHAT COULD IT ALL MEAN!!??!?

“I didn’t have the heart to destroy them. I mean, look at them, she’s beautiful.” Says the mask-maker.  Dude, she was a 14-year old CHILD, you keeping dozens of moldings of a child’s face and obsessing over how beautiful she was makes you a creepy old pedophile, NOT an artist.

Ok, this episode is done and HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE LEARNED:

DETECTIVE WILDEN HAD A CANADIAN PASSPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otherwise, this episode was completely useless. The editors at ABC Family can delete this episode from its archives and there would be no holes in the storyline.

Pretty Little Liars-Cat’s Cradle

“Is it weird to be jealous of your mom’s love life?” Aria says. That sounds like something Spence would say. About being jealous of her sister’s love life. Before kissing her sister’s fiancee(s).

Piper‘s boyfriend looks 20 years younger than her, which says a lot because Piper has aged SO well!

“Hey guys what’s this?” Hanna asks about a mask they find in Alli’s stuff.

“That ain’t no cuddlebone” Spencer replies.

What does that mean? Is it cuddlebone or cuTTlebone? Did I hear wrong? Also, Spencer saying “aint” makes me uncomfortable.

Melissa is threatening Spencer and I like it. I hope Spencer understands why her sister is probably plotting her murder.

Spencer is using a site called “Phone Lookup Doctor” to find this phone number the parrot keeps chirping. Upon googling this, I have found that “Phone Lookup Doctor” is not, in fact, a real website. Well played, PLL, I have googled something nonsensical again, due to your show.

Aria is at Jake’s apartment watching movies, on a date. How old is this guy? He has his own place, pretty fancy, on his own. So we know he is a college graduate, successful, and well paid. AKA too old for 17 year old Aria, n’est pas? Although, I have been known to be an old fashioned hag when it comes to people dating minors who are still in high school.

OMG Emily’s doctor is 12 years old, fresh faced, and CANNOT ACT!!!!

How can is it possible that Spencer can’t find a town associated with this phone number the bird is singing? Isn’t that what an AREA CODE is for? To tell what AREA a caller is from?

Emily’s mom just manhandled her bruised arm/shoulder! I’m calling DFCS!!!

OMG there is a chart in police headquarters and ALL THE GIRLS are on it! Does this mean that they are all implicated in Wilden’s death?! DOES PLL END WITH THE GIRLS ALL IN PRISON LIKE SEINFELD!?!
OMG these girls must have HATED Allison.  Last week Hanna swore that the parrot sqwaking sounded like Allison and this week Emily and Aria insist that this monstrosity looks exactly like Allison:

“It’s Allie….She must’ve modeled for it” Emily says ominously…..

THAT hideous excuse for a mask looks NOTHING like Allison.  Poor girl can’t have her vanity, even in death.

I love Toby but honestly, his storyline about his mom is just not grasping my interest given the other drama that’s going on.  How can I deal with seeing Spencer’s sister again, Dr Horton from Days of Our Lives (I know, I’m dating myself, also Dr. A from Passions), Emily’s pill-popping, Hanna’s mom being a murder AND caring about his mom!!!!!!!! It’s TOO MUCH, I TELL YA, TOO MUCH!

Oh, Spencer is now telling Toby that his mom didn’t kill herself because of the angle of the jump? I didn’t know your name was DEXTER MORGAN, SPEN-SIR! UGH Shut up! You are 17, go back to high school!

WAIT, I was making a joke about family services earlier in this blog, but SOMEONE at Emily’s school called FAMILY SERVICES on her mom!

OMG! THERE’S A SOCIAL WORKER INVOLVED.  If only family services worked that quickly, aka in a couple of hours. That would be great, but unfortunately reporting abuse is not that easy.

Apparently, the studio that made a mask of Allie’s face now has a molding of Emily AND Melissa’s faces? That’s not creepy (yes it is).

“Do you suppose other sisters have as much trouble getting along as we do?” Melissa asks. Only other sisters who make out with their future brothers-in-law, Melissa. Unfortunately, you got the shit end of that deal.

“You once asked me, if it came down to protecting you or somebody else, somebody I loved, what would I do? What if I asked you, if you had to choose, what would you do?” She asks Spencer. Spencer hesitates and doesn’t answer. And THAT, readers, is why Spencer is the worst.

 

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS-A Is for A-l-i-v-e

WE ARE BACK IN ACTION!

After a painful hiatus, our favorite gang of statutory rapists, murders and teen spies and sluts is back!

Cold open, the girls lift open the trunk of the police car, only to find a dead pig. Scream!

Mona apparently knows how to dismantle a police car monitoring system, complete with a screwdriver she happened to have handy.  Because, ya know, what 16 year old who was committed against her will for insanity only to return to her high school as president of the debate team doesn’t? That’s what I thought.

Mona tells Emily that she made Emily strong, which pisses her off. Emily lunges halfheartedly towards Mona and as soon as Spencer says “Em-” she stops dead. THAT’S all it took to prevent Emily from bitch slapping her?!

A stern HALF name and she stops dead in her tracks?! It makes one think that she was never really committed to attacking Mona at all…….

SMH, Emily, you need to work on your follow though.

OMG I’M GETTING NAUSEOUS! THIS CAMERA KEEPS doing going around the girls in a circle, in what appears to be an attempt at cinematography but WILL end up with my dinner strewn on my laptop.

DETECTIVE RAPE-EYES IS DEAD!!! YAY!!!!!!!

OK, so apparently A has been hanging out in a trailer park, playing with kids and giving them dolls named after the girls.  This is creepy to me, NOT because of the dolls, not because A told the girls that her name is Allison, BUT BECAUSE a 16-17-year old is hanging out at a playground of the trailer park where she DOESN’T LIVE, giving little girls “presents” and becoming their “friend”.  This show has WAY TOO MANY age-inappropriate relationships.

“She’s like, Hannibal Lecter smart. If I learned anything from my mom, it’s to keep your friends close and your enemies closer.“–Hanna, let’s take a closer look at this statement, shall we?

1. Hannibal was a psychotic, cannibalistic and perceptive character who could point out one’s insecurities just by glancing at him.

Mona is a 16-year old girl on SSRI drugs, battling her everlasting bulimia and inability to cope with the oh-so hard ways of teen life in Rosewood, where high school attendance isn’t mandatory and no real life rules apply.

2. YOUR MOTHER?! HANNA! YOUR MOTHER HAD SEX WITH A COP, IN FRONT OF YOU, WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT, TO GET THE CHARGES AGAINST YOU DROPPED. Please, for the love of all that is A, stop taking her advice.

NO!

NO!

THIS IS STUPID! In an ALLEGEDLY SMALL TOWN IN NEW ENGLAND at a funeral of 60ish people, no one would walk in like this and ONLY get seen somehow by the four girls. NO.

NO, PLL. NO! SHAME ON YOU FOR ASSUMING WE ARE THAT stupid.

OH A LOCATION CLUE! THEY LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!!!!

There’s a hot new cop who looks like a hybrid of Adam Scott and Luke Wilson, but again, this cop has rape eyes.  Let’s place bets, which of the girls will he bone first?

I CALL HANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!