The Gloves Are On

“We’re here to chill not spill“-Hannah those two things go hand-in-hand, m’dear!

Um Sara is at the spa chillin’, too!

How stupid is Hannah, she deleted the exact recordings that were necessary, now her mom might lose her job and the police are looking into this! Ahhhh! Hannah you are so dumb. For real.

Silver jag? Didn’t Mad Men teach us that Jaguars are shitty cars?

Wait Spencer suddenly has a desire to tell the truth?  ALL she has done for 4 years is LIEEEE and now suddenly she be like “nah i’m good, imma be unnecessarily honest, tnx”

“I know you like to shop out of other people’s carts….maybe you’re more comfortable with lying than you think”-MELISSAAAAAA IS BACK and Spencer just got rekt.

Spencer IS the worst and Melissa knows better than anyone how much Spencer likes other women’s men!

“Ezra there’s some horrifying images”-Aria on the contents of Ezra’s thumb drive. Um. What? Where is this going? Is Ezra a pedo now? How horrifying can the images be?!  ARIA YOU BETTER HAVE SCREENSHOTTED THAT SHIT!

“Ezra likes small women get a grip!“-So are we getting a clue as to those horrifying images….

This is what Aria found on Ezra’s thumbdrive:

“I think you need to relax”-Reporter says this to Spencer, truer words have never been spoken.

“I’ve heard of inner-circles but leaving your daughter out, that’s cold.”-This reporter is my favorite, after Queen Melissa of course!

WHA?! Emily spent ALL THE MONEY her dad left her!? And now Emily is donating her eggs!? SHIT IS HEAVY! Like this is legit stuff people consider when they go broke. Wow. I can’t decide if I am proud of the show for keeping this situation real or disappointed because my expectations are fantasy-level-unrealistic. What’s next, Emily finding out ways to refinance her leftover student loans? Signing up for obamacare?

Lucas is lying a lot for Hannah, despite his poor automotive choice he’s a good guy!

“Honest? You are not asking me to change your grade you are asking me to confess to murder.“-Ezra, changing grades isn’s exactly cool either, bro.

I love that when Ezra yells at the women who intruded into his home accusing him of murder, they act incredibly victimized and scared. Like really, what did y’all expect?

Wait but really, did Ezra just confess to killing Charles/Charlotte or is he saying he’s just happy that she’s dead??!

AHHHHH SPENCER AND CALEB?! NOOOOO! GROSS! NOOOOOO! WHY IS HE CARESSING HER!?!?! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

PLL: Charlotte’s Web

Whoa, why is everyone making Aria feel shitty about getting back to work?? Hannah needs to pull back the attitude!

Aria probably did something with Ezra and is trying to flee by making work an excuse.

WAIT EMILY’S DAD DIED!?!?! OH shit! I didn’t realize that! I am guessing it was referenced last episode with that military thing in their window but I did not know what that was.  God I thought previous episodes of this show were dark, but this season is real and dark.

Hannah’s man is British? Ohhhh intrigue! His accent is awful, is this actor american??

Update: He is not British! He’s Australian.

OH I was right, Aria DID sneak out to see Ezra! I knew it! I don’t know why I am so impressed with myself as though I solved the ending of True Detective Season 1, but I am proud of myself!

Did anyone cringe when Allison said grace at the table? Yikes, that was so awkward….

Ohhhhh what did Emily have an appointment for at Hollis? For her pill addiction? Fingers crosseed! The show’s creator said:

“It’s a big part of her storyline. What she’s hiding is definitely her biggest storyline of the season. It’s one big secret tied into two secrets. Two of her secrets are folding into the giant, bigger secret.”

Let me lay out the cards now, I think Emily has diabetes and is trying to hide it from her mom to protect her!

Did Caleb and Spencer hook up?? Or will they? OR BOTH!?

Shit y’all, Ezra is DARK. Between Ezra, Emily’s dad, Emily’s addiction/illness, Charlotte’s murder, and Sara this season is dark AF! What is happening? Do teen girls like this new season? I feel like it’s less relatable than prior seasons.

HANAH deleted evidence before hopping into bed with her Aussie-Not-British-Beau! I mean I guess it’s not evidence yet but it will be! That was cute when you were 17 Hannah, but you’re 22 now so you really, really need to think about the consequences of your actions (getting charged as an adult will suck a lot more than as a minor).

OMG MELISSA IS BACK NEXT EPISODE! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Melissa is my fav! Spencer is the worst and I cannot wait to have her back to give it to Spencer for totally boning (or trying to bone) Caleb!

 

PLL: FrAmed

“Charles gave me his frosting. How does that turn into vicious?” #AwkwardIncest!?

I mean, the writers knew what that sounded like, right?! Yikes.

“You just met the guy, he sure is asking a lot of questions“-Ezra, I don’t think you know how babies are made. Clark, while quite handsome, is not secretly Charles in blackface, I cannot imagine the show going THAT far. Actually….

The actor who plays Lorenzo is TOO OLD TO KISS ALLISON! Ahhhh! His IMDB doesn’t show his DOB, and type the question in google and apparently that question is a top hit! HOW OLD IS THIS MOFO?!

TWIST!: There are TWO As!  Again….I am still not convinced that Charles is A, remember when Ezra was A?

Anyways, there are two and one has a feminine physique! A woman!

The dinner at Carlo’s before prom conversation sounds like the most authentic. teenage conversation on this show! Emily even talks about “twinkle lights” at this restaurant.

Rhys is very….50 Shades of Lame….and the actor is not listed in the credits for the episode.  Does this mean that Rhys has some bigger role and the show runners don’t want viewers too hot on the trail! He looks kind of like Jason, too!

ALSO, the character’s name-Rhys Matthews–there’s an actor named Matthew Rhys, is there a connection or has this show made me a total conspiracy theorist??

I love how he ends the meeting with a message, “I need a holding’s report!” That’s a very Christian Gray nonsense-business-babble way to speak to inform viewers that this man is very important.

AHHHH ARIA ASKED EZRA TO PROM–Wow student asking a teacher to prom….I need to find more synonyms for awkward, guys.

Clark is lying! He’s hiding something!

“I grew up in a bilingual household”-GOOD FOR YOU, LINDA TANNER! NOT EVERYONE HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY SO QUIT YOUR HUMBLE-BRAGGING!

“Your little pink fist“-Tanner, chill out! Ick!

CLARK! CLARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHADY MOFO! (imagine me screaming at the TV because that’s exactly what I did).

Lorenzo and Allison’s argument disturbs me because his face so clearly shows that he’s not 20 or even close. THIS SHOW NEEDS TO MAKE SOME CHANGES! These age gaps are not endearing or something to aspire to, they are displays of power by older men (and once a woman) with younger, vulnerable women.  Soapbox speech done.

PLL: She’s No Angel

We open with a strange girl who is filthy and in some sort of basement performing ballet that is very reminiscent of Sia’s music video for Elastic Heart. VERY similar dance. I wonder if it’s the same dancer. 

UPDATE: I was right! It is her!!!! It’s Maddie Ziegler!!

OMG Spencer’s open mouthed chewing is SO GROSS! Maybe it’s my mysophonia but that brief exaggerating chewing intended to show us how anxious Spencer is was the worst 10 seconds of TV!

“My mom just got back from Curves“–Spencer’s mom works out a gym that super popular in the late 90s?!!

Okay Sara is totally fake-talking on the phone! I don’t buy it! Her parents are probably dead!

Ew Spencer talking about/implying her horny teenaged sex with Toby is creepy.  The writers are telling us she’s on a stimulant (adderall or something), but don’t those drugs make you LOSE your appetite? Or is it the weed she bought? 

This show needs to STOP with the May/December romances. Hell, the May 1982/December 1996 romances! Lorenzo is clearly MUCH older than Ali and, I know I sound like a broken record but, ITS CREEPY! No more! Please, ABC Family! Just give us more age-appropriate love interests!

Why is Emily SO hell bent on protecting Sara over Aria?! Her obsession with helping Sara is clouding her judgement!

Why doesn’t Aria just ask to borrow the picture because she thinks she knows the person in it rather than steal ALL of Clark’s work?!!

Oh wait are those weed-cookies?? Is that why she wouldn’t share with Hannah? I’m so confused about the significance of these freaking cookies! 

Update: I looked at Twitter and those cookies are in fact weed cookies. And she left them with another recovering addict to throw away for her, thereby tempting him instead of herself! How selfish!

Is it just me or did makeup use too much brow filler on Emily:

  
EMILY DO NOT BE THE STEREOTYPE AND GET A JAPANESE TATTOO! Haven’t you ever seen the buzzfeed on exactly that?!

Sara is like an anxious little squirrel! Emily needs to let her go!

WHY IS EVERYONE ACCEPTING CHARLES AS DEAD?! They all thought Allison was dead for YEARS, then Mona and now Charles?! Y’all know he’s not dead, right?!!

The ending scene of A brushing a wig on a tennis ball is supposed to be eerie but it’s HILARIOUS:

  

PLL: Don’t Look Now

Wait MEGA PLOT HOLE FROM THE START- how did the DeLaurentis family moved here after Alli was one when Alli’s mom had an affair that created her older brother Jason??

“I noticed you’ve been taking pictures the last couple of days”–Chad Lowe, c’mon, you are NEVER HOME!

“When my mom said you could spend the night she meant sleep“–No, Hannah, you’ve met your mom. She meant you should do other things!

In Spencer’s flashback she’s clutching her body covered in blood–they were in the bunker for 3+ weeks, makes sense that they incorporate some reality into the show, menstrual cycles and all.

WAIT SPENCER IS STRAIGHT UP DUMPSTER DIVING.

For such a smart girl, Spencer is NOT practicing good dumpster diving hygiene!

OMG, wait the two people that could help (Allison’s great aunt and mom) are dead–SEANCE TIME!

Aria lying to her dad and feeling entitled to do so is SO FRUSTRATING–can she not imagine what he went through?! Her parents thought she was dead!!! DEAD! This is not the time to be angsty-teen!

Why are they cutting the scene with Chad scolding Aria, Toby scolding Hannah and Emily’s mom just chatting about weird-o Sara together as though they are all connected??!?!!

They straight up lied to Jason and told him he hallucinated his BROTHER! HIS BROTHER! THAT IS BAD PARENTING! NO WONDER HE WAS DOING DRUGS! HE HAD TO DROWN OUT THE MEMORIES!

Ohhhhh the editor got LAZY! Look at this poor photo-shopping of childhood Allison and Jason:

OMG I love this note Charlie left Aria: “You’re my doll, bitch”-it sounds endearing and kitschy! Like #bitcheslovedolls or something!

I knew producers would work Aria’s real-life-haircut into the storyline!

I love Emily’s 90’s grunge look! Look at her versus Rayanne from My So Called Life! Basically twins #blessed

What if the tombstone is a symbol and sure, it’s been there a long time, but THEY NEED TO DIG UP THE BODY to PROVE IT’S HIM!  Why are they stopping Hannah?  WE NEED DENTAL RECORDS!

Are Sara and Emily going to kiss?!

Did Hannah and Caleb just break up!? AHHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT-Charlie was put in Radley because Alli’s negligent dad left her alone upstairs as an 11 month old while he went outside to grill. That;s what I heard.

PLL: Songs of Experience

Wait MEGA PLOT HOLE FROM THE START- how did the DeLaurentis family moved here after Alli was one when Alli’s mom had an affair that created her older brother Jason??

Has anyone else noticed that both Aria and Hannah got lobs this season? I wonder how production felt about that….remember Jessica Biel and the 7th Heaven haircut that production/writers had to turn into a storyline because it was so drastic? Or FELICITY? No? Oh that’s right, because you were born in 1996 unlike me….

EMILY HAS A BURNER PHONE!? What high school student on earth, particularly one whose parents BOTH work for the government (remember her mom works/ed for the police department) can afford to buy BURNERS?!

“Did you think I looked feral?” Sara asks Emily. LookED?! YOU LOOK FERAL!

Wait now Emily is making french toast for this new girl who has bunked with her against her will!

I love that the show is making a clear and concerted effort to make Ezra look younger! I wonder if this has anything to do with that time Lucy Hale went on TV saying the “Ezria” thing creeped her out….

  
“Unmess him up“? Really, Spencer? I bet if Hannah said that you’d admonish her!

Ezra is being SO CREEPY this episode! Now he’s impersonating a doctor?! He also asks the person on the phone for the person’s name, DOB, and SSN.  The fact that this EDUCATOR does not know that hospitals cannot just give out information of any patient

“Are those boys all from church?“–This quote. I will just let you laugh this one out.

Lorenzo is saying that Allison should be a soccer coach based on her passing a ball wearing a wedge??

Emily and her mom’s banter is making Sara jealous. If only Sara had seen them last episode fighting over Emily’s usage of firearms….

There’s some WEIRD sexual tension between Jason and Spencer…am I the only thing sensing this?!

WHO IS MISTER BISCUIT!?

ANDREW WAS RELEASED?! I’m sorry but the DA chose not to charge him because he had alibis for 2 of the DOZENS of incidents (including being at the scene when the girls were found, police tracing everything back to his truck, desire for getting the girls back in his manifesto, etc)?! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

“Other towns have nice toxic dumps. Rosewood has you.”-Andrew what is a NICE toxic dump? Is this in contract to a BAD toxic dump?

“That’s what Charles wanted us to know–that there was a point where we would [hurt each other].“-Deep story, Spencer, but what does this mean for you guys? Will Charlies stop now because you came to that oh-so-wise conclusion? Prolly not, k?

Sara’s haircut is very Some Kind of Wonderful! I love it!

Spencer throwing her suffering in her concerned mother’s face is SO frustrating! Let’s put ourselves in her mother’s shoes: Her daughter said she would go to school and you find out she skipped, was gone all night and her alleged kidnapper was released–She has a right to be worried!  Spencer, don’t be a jerk.

I wonder why they gave Charlie up for adoption? I bet Charlie is Jason’s HUGO!!!!!!!!!!

Has anyone else noticed that both Aria and Hannah got lobs this season? I wonder how production felt about that….remember Jessica Biel and the 7th Heaven haircut that production/writers had to turn into a storyline because it was so drastic? Or FELICITY? No? Oh that’s right, because you were born in 1996 unlike me….

EMILY HAS A BURNER PHONE!? What high school student on earth, particularly one whose parents BOTH work for the government (remember her mom works/ed for the police department) can afford to buy BURNERS?!

“Did you think I looked feral?” Sara asks Emily. LookED?! YOU LOOK FERAL!

Wait now Emily is making french toast for this new girl who has bunked with her against her will!

I love that the show is making a clear and concerted effort to make Ezra look younger! I wonder if this has anything to do with that time Lucy Hale went on TV saying the “Ezria” thing creeped her out….

  
“Unmess him up“? Really, Spencer? I bet if Hannah said that you’d admonish her!

Ezra is being SO CREEPY this episode! Now he’s impersonating a doctor?! He also asks the person on the phone for the person’s name, DOB, and SSN.  The fact that this EDUCATOR does not know that hospitals cannot just give out information of any patient

“Are those boys all from church?“–This quote. I will just let you laugh this one out.

Lorenzo is saying that Allison should be a soccer coach based on her passing a ball wearing a wedge??

Emily and her mom’s banter is making Sara jealous. If only Sara had seen them last episode fighting over Emily’s usage of firearms….

There’s some WEIRD sexual tension between Jason and Spencer…am I the only thing sensing this?!

WHO IS MISTER BISCUIT!?

ANDREW WAS RELEASED?! I’m sorry but the DA chose not to charge him because he had alibis for 2 of the DOZENS of incidents (including being at the scene when the girls were found, police tracing everything back to his truck, desire for getting the girls back in his manifesto, etc)?! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

“Other towns have nice toxic dumps. Rosewood has you.”-Andrew what is a NICE toxic dump? Is this in contract to a BAD toxic dump?

“That’s what Charles wanted us to know–that there was a point where we would [hurt each other].“-Deep story, Spencer, but what does this mean for you guys? Will Charlies stop now because you came to that oh-so-wise conclusion? Prolly not, k?

Sara’s haircut is very Some Kind of Wonderful! I love it!

Spencer throwing her suffering in her concerned mother’s face is SO frustrating! Let’s put ourselves in her mother’s shoes: Her daughter said she would go to school and you find out she skipped, was gone all night and her alleged kidnapper was released–She has a right to be worried!  Spencer, don’t be a jerk.

I wonder why they gave Charlie up for adoption? I bet Charlie is Jason’s HUGO!!!!!!!!!!

PLL: Out Damned Spot

Cmon, now the titles are just gibberish!

Do the writers even try anymore?! No, I know, the answer is no. Why do I bother asking? BECAUSE, I expect growth from everyone, including, might I add, these characters who have been in high school for 5 years…

Um why is everyone taking Emily’s cookies? And not in a sexual sense, they are literally taking cookies from her! They’re going to give her an eating disorder…..which might actually be a new plot twist.

WHAT IS IN THE COOKIES?! Mike (Aria’s rarely seen brother) came to the blood drive to steal cookies?! I guess plot twists are getting few(er) and far(ther) in between.

WHO IS THIS GUY that Aria is copying off of? Did they pick him up off of Jump 21 Street?!!? HE’S A NARC! HE’S AT LEAST 34!

Update: After writing this I looked him up, he was born in 1988 so fine, I concede that he’s not in his early 30s, he’s in his late 20s….

I have never heard of someone being denied financial aid.  Even my friends whose parents were extremely wealthy received financial aid. I know Rory didn’t get financial aid but that made sense, her mom got a huge chunk of money from her inheritance, that shows lack of need.

THE OUTFIT! GUYS! ON BARN GUY! JUST, ARG, JUST LOOK:

Acid washed cut-off denim vest over a camouflage hoodie….ack!

TALIA IS MARRIED!?!?! TWIIIISTTTTT!  See, young Emily, this is what happens when you date an ADULT, they might be secretly married!  Date your own age….actually, that goes for ALL of you young ladies! And while I’m at it, COVER UP! You’re going to school, not work at a brothel!

Sorry, I needed  say that.

Of course Spencer had to fall into this new, crazy-eyed man’s arms and feel something. Let me remind you that she and Toby are STILL together, they never officially broke up! You’re not Ross and Rachael, you cannot push those boundaries and think it will be okay!

27-year old high schooler looked at Aria’s texts when ever-so-slowly handing over her phone….a move that I have actually pulled quite often (sorry friends, family, etc to whom I have done this)….seeing it acted out I realize that it’s not quite as smooth as I thought it was.  I need a new snooping-move….but back to the show.

Dr Horton from Days of Our Lives (aka Hannah’s dad) is BACK! YESSSSSS!  His aged and weathered face is a reminder of both my own age and mortality in general.

See, this is why my dad should have taught me to drive a manual car, because then I could chase my little brother who is stealing blood from the blood bank to (I assume) sell to vampires at the local Rosewood sleazy-bar! That should be a new show! The spinoff! They can call it Ravensblood (RIP RavenSwood).

WAIT, IS MIKE ACTUALLY DOING UNDER-COVER-BIKER-PORN!?  Maybe that’s why he’s so nervous that Aria will find out! And it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility with this how.

melissahastings@ptmaisls.com ?! THAT is her fake email? That sounds like an older, foreign person (I can say that, I’m foreign…actually sounds like my mom) asking about checking email–“I vant to check emails, yes? Much like?”
Ahhh I think I have to send it an email, right!?

Okay done, email sent! Maybe Melissa will answer! Update: The email bounced back, BOOOO!

Ezra: “My parents…didn’t think I’d amount to much”

Hannah: “How’d it turn out”

Ezra: (what I wish he said) “Well look at me! I was on a great career track until I knowingly lied and took advantage of my 15 year old student, got a job teaching at university only to be demoted and never being able to hold a steady job, all due to ONE mistake–boning a veritable child for funsies. LEARN from my mistakes, Hannah! Have sex with people your own age!”

Also, not to sound like a total square but carrying blood around in your pocket is very unhygienic, Mike.  You don’t know what these girls have!

“You are like the queen of not helping!“-Spencer is 1000% a FRENEMY! Shut up, Spencer, at least Hannah got into college (buuuuurrrnnnnnn!)

So now A is a millionaire, blood spatter analyst, DNA expert master manipulator. Just making sure we all understand.

Ahhh we end with a preview of Hannah’s dance routine for the pageant! Yayy! Until next week!

 

 

PLL-Ehhhhh

“I know why he joined the police force-I encouraged him”-Um Spencer, you most certainly did not! Did you forget when you told him “You cant up and be a cop!“   Oh, you don’t remember?  Good thing I do and good thing I documented it! You 10000% discouraged him!

 

“That’s pretty passive aggressive”-Spencer says about Hollbrook being back in town. I sometimes wonder if people know what passive aggressive means.  A detective coming back to town is not passive at all, and if it’s at all aggressive it’s just that, no passivity there.  Sorry, Spencer, but yet again, you are wrong!  I don;t know why I am on a big anti-Spencer kick today…..

This new guy is a CREEP! Does anyone else feel like he’s sporting a comb over that producers are using to make him look young and hip when he’s secretly 43??  Look at this guy’s face and hair! He’s definitely over 40!

Spencer is so fucking bossy, YOU go talk to Leslie b*tch! Quit telling Hannah what to do!

Spencer is sitting there bossing Hannah around, telling Aria what to do, and b*tching  about how she’s so annoyed that she got into a bunch of colleges, boo freaking hoo! I really dislike Spencer, the writers have made her the least likable character on this show.  How are we supposed to feel bad for a girl who comes from money, gets what she wants and gets into a bunch of awesome colleges while her friends’ lives are falling apart?

“Most girls have trouble keeping two thgouhts in their mind at the same time, but Mona was thinking every second”—WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE F*CK!?!?!? This Leslie chick is straight up sexist and that comment is insulting! It makes me think of Leslie Knope’s hunting snafu.

“How does anybody get together with anybody?”–Deep thoughts brought to you by Emily.

So this creepy new guy…let’s call him Father Time. Father Time created this machine that lets you listen in on conversations across the coffeeshop.  How much shall we bet that A will use this device to 1. listen to the girls or 2. mess with them?

Father Time: “If you were really impressed you’d buy me coffee…” Spencer giggles coquettishly. That is NOT okay! This guy just got paid by Ezra (he said $200) and he’s living in their family’s carriage house and he’s asking HER to buy HIM coffee?  IS CHIVALRY SO DEAD THAT MEN NO LONGER AT LEAST PRETEND TO SPLIT THE BILL?!?!?

Is Aria’s brother threatening to kill her?? “Be careful going home through the woods,” he says in a tone that tells the view he is not at all concerned about her safety!

“Barking up the wrong henchman”- Mixing metaphors there, Hannah!

Pretty Little Liars: Fresh Meat

First of all let me apologize!  I was travelling for work this week (yes, I have a real job outside of this blog) and my hotel room did not have ABC Family! Imagine my horror!  So this delay will not become a habit, I assure you!

Toby in his cop uniform, when asked where his from, says “Rosewood PD.”  No, Toby, to quote Spencer a few bitchy episodes ago, you can’t just up and be a cop!

Hannah got into a billion colleges! Yay!

Ezra is planning an opening of something, I didn’t pay close attention, but he’s stressing his high school student out by texting her about this event, and honestly, being irresponsible by distracting her while she’s at school.  I’m not, however, surprised. Her 25-year old boyfriend boned her when she was a 15-year old freshman (KNOWING she was 15 at the time) then he clearly does not care about her academics.  MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT GETTING INTO COLLEGE, ARIA! MAYBE IT’S NOT A FOR ONCE, MAYBE IT’S YOU!

Emily and Paige have “grown apart” in ONE EPISODE?!

Wait, WHAT is the name of the college that Hannah is going to visit?  BELLA? BALLARD?  BELLAR???  I think that they are intentionally garbling it so that we have a hard time understanding them, that way we cannot verify the facts.   Or I have hearing problems.

Toby found his “family knife” in the woods….Someone reading this please help me…WHAT THE FRACK IS A FAMILY KNIFE?!  Especially one with missing parts?!?!  THIS IS NOT A THING!

And this crack team of Caleb, Spencer and Toby decide to not take ANY action with the knife?

And this opening thing is for a BOOKSTORE! I seeeeee! Some guy with a beret works there…and his beret is not ironic….

Emily is going to CATER THIS EVENT!?!?!  AND EZRA ASKS ANOTHER CREEPY QUESTION: “Do you even take home-ec?”  No, EZRA, your high school student’s friends are not in that course, why? You considering teaching it so that you can rape some more kiddos?  Cool story, bro.

Ok so I may have become addicted to the podcast Serial (which I am listening to a SECOND time around) but when Hannah’s mom gets a call from Allison?  It totally reminded me of the Serial opening “This is a Global-Tel link prepaid call from Adnan Syed an inmate at a Maryland Correctional facility”  

It also reminds me of the SNL Parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjidkNvN-Ps

Why is Hannah walking around campus carrying a teddy bear??  Is she feeling lonely, separation anxiety?

I see the tour guide wearing a Ballard sweatshirt but when I google it I found a day-school: “Pupils are admitted to Ballard School, from the ages of 18 months to 16 years (Nursery to Y11).”  Annnnd it’s in the UK…. So are we assuming that Hannah is going to a nursery in England because that would be a KICK ASS spinoff show– “Posh Little Liar-Hannah Goes Brit!” etc etc, I can’t think of anything else right now.

Spencer: “You could have told me before I got carpet bombed with angry texts”  So I had to google this particular phrase and it means “a large aerial bombing done in a progressive manner to inflict damage in every part of a selected area of land.”  Call me rational, maybe one of few rational people who watches this show, but that seems excessively dramatic….

Wow Aria’s letter to the college about Ezra is hilariously accurate, she DID squander her youth with an older man and she DID make herself an outsider by doing so!  Thank GOODNESS! All it took was getting rejected from college to get her to understand!

Okay wait Spencer and Caleb think A will find a way to get the knife back to them….but I thought that they were convinced that Allison was A? So then who are they afraid of?

OMG OMG IS CALEB GONNA DIE!?! And where the heck did Spencer go off to??  Where did she just wander off to all alone?!  CALEB NEEDS HER!  Shit, if he burns alive in a kiln, this show will be seriously freaking DARK!

So this admissions dean that is Ezra’s ex thinks that Aria and Ezra broke up and Aria is worried Ezra will find out she let the woman think that?  Girl, if Ezra really cared about you then he would let you continue that lie! You can pretend that you got back together AFTER you got in!  Am I trying too hard to rationalize this nonsense?  I think yes….

I like this new caterer girl! And she appears to be rocking Nene Leakes’ “cold shoulder tunic”.

OMG HANNAH’S MOM AND ALLISON’S BROTHER MAKING OUT EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ohhh A left Aria an ominous email that she sent to the dean of admissions at Talmadge? Oh so now A can hack into university emails and uses those personal emails to blackmail HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? So A, as I have said before, is a millionaire psychopath?!  Cool.

CAN HANNAH’S MOM NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THAT TOWN?!

 

PLL: A Dark Ali

A has now somehow paid (I’m assuming paid, right? That’s how voluntary sentences work?) this guy to lie and say he was the one who did the fictitious kidnapping?  HOW MUCH MONEY DOES A HAVE??

Ezra being A made the most sense because he had the Fitzgerald or whatever bullshit name’s family money!  Now I am confused!

If I were Allison I would just say “yup, that’s the guy!” He’s clearly getting paid by A, it’s time to call A’s bluff!

Aria hands her depressed mother a plate of food that she ceremoniously presents as “You’re favorite-pesto and mozzarella!”

She then hands her mother something that is most certainly NOT pesto and mozzarella-it’s some sort of thin, measly sandwich with a side of grapes and chips.  Aria needs a cooking lesson if she thinks that’s peso and mozzarella anything

 

 

I love Melissa! She’s awesome!

Wait Aria says “The truth doesn’t amount to much when it’s coming from a bunch of liars.”-Aria, that’s just not true. Don’t hurt your brain trying to think too hard, but when you have witnesses and the dead person is clutching a weapon at the crime scene, you should be okay.

CHAD LOWE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYY!

What the frack is this random scene of the Hannah and Mona watching each other while singing scales? Why does Mona give Hannah a knowing look like she’s saying “oh yeah, biotch, my scales are soooooo swol, yours need to lift and get more swol.” –That’s what the look said, right?

Why did this guy attack Allison just to cut her on the leg and nothing more?  I’m so confused!

ALSO, is the show implying that this man once raped her????

So wait, now that Aria believed Hannah, Hannah is no longer boozy and suddenly she’s totally okay?  That’s a dramatic upturn in a downward spiral.

Wait what does Allison’s dad do for a living? He drives a nice car! MAYBE HE IS A?!

Ohhhhh Emily is “so done with you,” Allison! Ohhhhhh buuuuuurnnnnnn biotch! DONE! Your biggest advocate is DONE with you!

Now it’s Caleb’s turn to give the after school special talk. He also had a “Bacon calzone”. WTF is a BACON calzone?! Isn’t bacon a breakfast or BLT meat?!  Huh. I can’t decide how I feel about that.

SPENCER IS THE VOICE OF REASON!  Not gonna lie, I don’t hate Spencer this episode.

FINALLY these girls are doing the smart thing and cutting ties with Allison! They should have done this from the beginning.

What? Allison paid Cyrus to make the confession? What? Cyrus is implying that they had consensual sex? WHAT?! Is this Allison’s twin?  I’m SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, Melissa is making some confession, who cares, WHY DO I STILL WATCH THIS SHOW?!